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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

It's the NBA. They're Free Agents. Where They At? -TOMP

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeed. You will be missed. By this guy. Greatly.


So, it's that time of year. The summer is on, there are no sports worth watching and the NBA draft is over. Time to find out where the real talent lies. If there's one thing that the NBA knows, it's that Free Agents make or break a team like David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar.

The plan here is to sort out the real ballers in free agency this year. Not just what they bring to the table, but where they want to end up, versus where they will actually end up. Many will tell you this is nearly impossible to predict. I'm here to tell you, I know it all. Lets get this list started....

Number 1:

Carlos Boozer & Mehmet Okur

What they bring to the table? Absolutely nothing. Both pussied out of entering free agency. You know what we call that? A Shaun Livingston. I'm talking career ending injuries this season.

Where they should end up? Okur would have been a brilliant fit with the Charlotte Bobcats. Under reaching, tons of potential and that bitch ass, 'I should have gotten that call' face.

Boozer, gee. "If the Pistons don't sign me, I'm screwed." Yeah, you douchebag. Enjoy fucking over the Jazz like you did Cleveland. You can't make money if you don't try asshole.

Where they will end up: Nowhere. They're in Utah, opting out of effort. Enjoy the tight women and weak beer. It's like prohibition. Only for eternity.


Number 2:

Hedo Turkoglu

What he brings to the table? Well, he does bring you versatility to 3 starting positions. Despite BG beliefs, the guy can actually play the 1 or 4 to a decent degree of effectiveness. 3 point shooting, consistency and validation of the ugliness of the Turkish race is what he's loaded with.

Where he should end up? Orlando really is a good spot for this guy. They have one real ball handler and an assload of three point shooters who can barely rebound. They've got the pieces together now, and Hedo has been part of the Magic (pun intended). It would seem that they'd be an offensive powerhouse if he stuck around. Although, he could opt for more money, go to Sacramento, and be working as a blackjack dealer for the Maloofs in under 5 years. Promise, baby, promise.

Where he will end up: Portland. Guess what, Hedu. No one wants to pay some dude $10 million who can't really play a single position. SUCKA!


Number 3:

Ben Gordon

What he brings to the table? Streaky shooting, a crappy attitude and a bench player

Where should he end up? Please, Gordon has got Knicks/Run & Gun written all over him.

Where he will end up: What better way to compliment 4 guards that you already have then to bring another cocky prick to the table. Congratulations Joe Dumars & the Detroit Pistons. Allen Iverson 2.0, only he tries less, produces more and plays just as good of defense. I can't fucking wait.


Number 4:

Trevor Ariza & Lamar Odom

What they bring to the table? These two have a lot of similarities, such as three point shooting, athleticism, match up difficulties, smart defensive play and a real feel for the game. The problem? One tries, and the other tries when he eats candy.

Where should they end up? Both should end up back in LA, to assure the championship team still has it's fire for the 09-10 season.

Where they will end up: Well, Ariza guaranteed himself big money, and you gotta think the Lakers are gonna want someone who got better throughout the year to compliment the dominant Gasol/Bynum inside game, and Trevor looks like their man. Then there's Lamar. Hey, at least URI got on the map for a little while, right? Enjoy some terrible team with a lot of free money. You tried as hard every night as Tim Donaghy.


Number 5:

Anderson Varejao

What he brings.... Oh, wait. We don't discuss a no talent ass clowns that cost LeBron his 2nd title in 3 seasons? My bad, the D-League awaits. Or the Ringling Brothers. Go fuck yourself.


Number 6:

Rasheed (don't you fucking look me over) Wallce

What he bring to the table? How about everything? Shooting, defense, rebounding, three pointers, an absurd low block game, free throws and oh, the most loved personality (amongst teammates) in the league.

Where should he end up? San Antonio has 'Sheed written all over it. Veteran leadership, a solid team and an amazing coach. You know what 'Sheed loves? Kicking ass, taking names and winning. The only place where he can be a dynamically effective starter and have a legit shot at a championship is the Spurs.

Where he will end up: It's destined that 'Sheed will join the Celtics. He knows I'm his biggest fan, he opted to come to Detroit and win the 'Stons a fucking sweet championship (God, that was sweet), and he without a doubt is ready to finish his years in front of my eyes. With KG and The Truth, I just can't see a reason why this wouldn't be the great show on Earth. Signing a one year deal is the route to take, so he can play with little Rajon and facilitate the rest of the team with his awareness. Oh, and you know who 'Sheed loves? KG. Lets fucking make it happen.


Ok, Here Are Some Other Douchebags to Keep Your Eye On:

Ron Artest (seriously, this guy has skills. Huge fan.), Channing Frye, Antonio McDyess, Chris Anderson, Marquis Daniels (another diamond in the rough), Grant Hill (37 years old and top 20 in PER for SFs. No reason not to sign him), Ronald 'Flip' Murray (great role player, not sure why you wouldn't sign him), Joe Smith, Brandon Bass, Bobby Jackson, Rodney Cardney, Jason Collins, Rasho Nesterovic and Juwan Howard.


If You Thought That Was Bad...

Charlie Villanueva, Drew Gooden, Sean May, Robert Swift, Dahntay Jones, Sheldon Williams (Candace will make more), Desmond Mason, Wally Szczerbiak, Gerald Green and Miki Moore.




Tuesday, June 23, 2009

TDF Caption Contest- BG

"This takes hide the sausage to a whole new level"
"I'd like to dine with that swine, then hit her from behind"

Monday, June 22, 2009

ESPN is Delusional - BG


This is a joke. Whoever voted "No" on this poll is a fucking moron and ESPN poll makers are morons for even giving people a choice. Even Yankee fans are pissed that Dice-K is going on the DL. It's frightening to know that Crack is the number one import of Idaho and Delaware.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

ESPN: Continues To Creep Out Many -TOMP



Seriously. What is the deal here?

No Tiger? No Problem. The US Open Live. -TOMP



Alright, it's 2:10, Tiger's +3, it's not looking good for him. Lucky for us, Phil's on a mission to save Amy's Ta-Tas, so we've got that working for us. I'm accompanied by Grandpa Hagan and Michael 'Mustang' Roche. Let's do this.

2:13-Phil for par, he's really got his eyes on the prize today, but I expect nothing but a Winged Foot implosion. Amy's nervous.

2:16-Chris decides to get up. There's a Coastal Flood Advisory in Farmingdale, NY. I'm gonna go ahead and say that can't bode well for anyone today.

2:18-Our first Crack joke of the day. It's only a matter of time before "Spread your cheeks, and lift your sack" becomes the saying of the tourney. We're at commercial, by the way.

3:16-Phil's trying to redeem himself off the shitty drive. Killer backspin approach shot. He's dancin' close to the hole.

2:20-We've just been informed that Ortiz has hit his 6th home run of the year. The HGH eye drops strike again.

2:21-Barnes (our current leader) for birdie. He shorts that one like a girl trying out for QB on a football team.

2:22-Tiger for birdie. He blows it, still at +3. We've just been informed that something "just isn't clicking." No shit. He's 13 back, "He's got this." -Gpa Hagan

2:23-Tiger hits the Par 3 with a 6 iron. Tiger's dancing like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. 7 feet, max.

2:25-Ricky Barnes is having his, "coming out party." Thanks NBC, I'll call LGBT.

2:31-Tiger's up for birdie again. Lets see him sink that shit. BOO YA!!!!! Tiger at +2. Damn right, that's what he's used to.

2:31-Ricky Barnes is playing quite a round of golf. Just nailed a ball a bit off the green, but he's kept his cool. It's impressive.

2:33-Hunter Mahan just sank back to back birdies, and is till over 5 back. Barnes has got a stranglehold on the field.

2:34-If you're bored, heckle.

2:37-"That's what you call straight." -NBC. There sure is a lot of sexuality related comments in today's broadcast.

2:40-Barnes is feelin' the heat now, complete choke job driving on 10.

2:42-Barnes save a stroke, they found his ball in the swamp.

2:48-Tiger's up for eagle. NBD. Excellence is the only thing going through his mind. AHHHHH, misses it by inches, the birdie will be a cake walk, we'll assume Tiger's at +1.

2:49-Barnes is the singing in the rain trying to figure out how to get his shank out of the jungle. Takes his sweet ass time. Christ, nails right onto the green. Should be able to get away with losing no more than 1 stroke. This guy will choke, I can feel it.

2:57-Lucas Glover decides to hit the only birdie of the day on 10. He's 4 back of Barnes. Too bad this is only the third round.

3:00-Barnes: Back in the Bush-The Anne Heche Story.

3:02-Phil with back to back birdies, 8 back of the lead. Mickelson's on the hunt.

3:03-A sneaky comeback from the Goose. He's at -1, tied with Phil.

3:06-Phil went for it. It didn't go well.

3:11-Glover sinks a pretty birdie. He's got a deadset look in his eye. I like his chances, "a born winner."

3:12-David Duval continues to fall off the golf map...

3:13-Tiger's got another long putt. He needs this.

3:14-Tiger continues to miss the long ones.

3:27-Barnes has his first 3 putt of the Open. This baby is getting closer & closer.

3:35-Duval with some signs of life. Pitch right near the hole.

3:36-WOW! Phil hits a long one on the green. Amy's ta-tas have jumped for joy.

3:43-Dice-K to the DL. There's a lot of happy Sox fans right now.

3:43-The crowd can't stop cheering for the ta-tas husband.

3:47-Phil blows a big birdie. Harsh.

3:51-Tiger misses another putt to get back in this. Total snooze fest happening for round 3 at Bethpage.

4:01-Phil nails another birdie to close out the 3rd. Clearly, he is the hot commodity going into tomorrow.


This seems like the day is pretty much wrapped. We'll get an update up when the the 4th day is in the record books.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tail Between His Legs- BG


Well Tiger was cruising along at even par, but fell apart in the last four holes like Jean Van de Velde in '99 at Carnoustie. He finished with a four over, 74. Luckily for Tiger this was just the first round and if he can shoot a 66 tomorrow morning and get it to even, he should be ok. I cannot have a repeat of Winged Foot in '06, Tiger. Get it together, make the cut, and take it home. Stay tuned because TOMP will be conducting the first ever TDF Golf Diary on Sunday.


"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Just Another Night at Friendly Fenway! - BG

In case your locked in a basement, Josef Fritzl style, last night was the 500 consecutive sellout at Fenway Park. That is a little over 6 seasons if you break it down. Brad Penny got his 100th win, Papi continues to excel with his HGH eye drops, and Jacoby Ellsbury made up for a first inning brain fart and crushed a homer into the right field seats. The best part of the night was when Bobby Orr emerged from the Green Monster to greet fellow Canadian Jason Bay. Bay is a huge hockey fan and a surprise from one of the greats, capped off a great win. Just another night in Boston.

"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Nostalgia -TOMP




I could have sworn I knew someone who had this shirt when Dice-K got signed...

Wake Me Up When It's Over- BG


I cannot do it anymore. When I switch over to the Red Sox games at 7 pm and see the D-Bag above is pitching, I change the channel faster than a 14 year old who is watching porn when his mom walks in. I cannot find the button fast enough. Daisuke Matsusaka has taken over the "Human Rain Delay" title from Steve Trachsel. I think I'd rather watch Julio Lugo take infield practice for 3 hours. Last season was the strangest 18-3 season I have ever seen. Did anyone feel confident in any of his big game starts or playoff starts? NO. If you say yes, your lying. This season he is 1-4, 31 IP, 51 FUCKING HITS, with a 7.55 ERA. He also averages 100 pitches every 4 2/3 innings. Opponents are batting .372 against him, with an OBP of .431. We cannot trade him because he is worth an asinine $104 million and gets pampered with more perks than Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian combined.

The Red Sox brass HAS to do something. They have John Smoltz foaming at the mouth to come up and pitch. The Sox have Brad Penny, who gets better and better with every start. He is now consistently up at 96-97 mph and locating really well. Then the Sox have Clay Bucholz who is bending the minor leagues over and would gladly kill Dice-K for another shot in the majors (It's a win-win for me) Realistically, if Clay had just gotten his act together last year, this would not be an issue. However, he shat down his leg in 15 starts last year and earned the "He's not ready yet" title. He's also a bit of a pre-madonna who complains about being in the minors and sort of looks like a transvestite with the hair he is rockin'. Right now Clay is on the proverbial back burner.

The Sox cannot go to a six man rotation. That would throw Beckett and Lester off and they just got back on track (except for Beckett's hiccup the other day, but he really didn't throw that badly). They need to sit Godzilla down and say,

"Look, you had to go play for your Japanese National Team in the WBC, a.k.a Worthless Baseball Crock. We understand that because if you didn't, they would probably lop off your right arm and banish you. Eventhough most fans in Boston love how that sounds right now, John Henry just stupidly got married and now he only has half of his money. We cannot just pay you and say sayonara, no more pitchy pitchy for dicey dicey. Now, you are back in a real country, America. You play for a real team, the Boston Red Sox. You are going to do this our way and we do not think your ready. You can do one of two things. You can go to Florida and go through an extended spring training. We will make up an injury, put you on the DL, and you just have to go down there and throw to a bunch of hacks. Get your arm ready, slay some floridian women, and we will see you in a month. OR you can be buried to mop up duty in the bullpen and spend your time being heckled with racial slurs by Papelbon and deal with him constantly making fun of you because "The Throw In" Okajima has turned out much better than you have. And he makes $7 million less a year than you do. What do you think?"

His response will look something like this, "私がひどいことを知っていて、私をマイナーリーグに注文してください" And it's over with.

Bring up Smoltz. If he fails, bring up Bucholz. If they fail, bring up Michael Bowden. If all else fails, go get Benihana, stick him in the starting rotation, and try again. Please just stop the misery NOWWW!

"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

No Respect -TOMP




You know who constantly gets shat on for seemingly no reason other than success? Stan Van Gundy. That's right, the guy who looks like Ron Jeremy and dresses like he should be in Miami Vice (speaking of which, I can't believe I found an image of him in a shirt & tie. Crazy, right?).

Currently on Disney.co... I mean, ESPN.com, there is a Sports Nation poll questioning whether SVG is actually an asset in coaching his team. I'm happy to say, that 80% of America thinks he is, but why is this such a frequent question?

I've watched SVG take the reigns on two different teams, and with each one, he's brought them from zero to super hero. Literally. How often do you coach two different teams highlighted by the fact that their budding super stars are dubbed as super humans (Flash & Superman)? Not a whole lot. Both teams were very different from one another when SVG decided to impose his will, lets travel back in time...

The Heat. Pre-Shaq. Remember those guys? Super underrated team in the last decade that could have made a real splash if they gave it one more year. Rafer Alston, Dwyane Wade, Caron Butler, Lamar 'The Candy Man' Odom and Brian Grant. You know what that sounds like to me? A winning combination. Also, keep in mind that this was while Alonzo Mourning was getting a kidney transfer from his own cousin, these guys had all the pieces. Maybe Alston was a little too And 1-ish at this time, but you had three guys capable of playing 3-4 different spots on the court with Wade, Butler and Odom. Plus, a decent center who could get you boards in Grant.

So, SVG brings these guys to the playoffs, which was impressive in its' own right (despite being in the Eastern Conference), and surprised the crap out of the Hornets, who had the LA Clippers version of Baron Davis. Big time play, aspiring players and a lot of potential. So, you'd think that they'd have a shot of doing even more the next year, right?

Wrong, Motha' Fucka'. Just ask Pat Riley.

Pat decides that these guys all blows ass, and options to trade, oh, like, 7 players to LA to acquire Shaq. Now imagine being SVG. You've just impressed the entire league by coming onto the scene, but instead of working to add 1 or 2 more pieces to a competent team, your boss decides to fire them all and bring in the Closer, and I'm not talking about Kevin Bacon's wife.

So, here's what your left with. Shaq & Wade. Ok, they're amazing, no argument there, but look at everyone else. This easily could have been the Cavs for the last 5 years with guys like Haslem, James Posey, a 40 year old Gary Payton, a defensively inept Jason Williams and 1 good kidney Alonzo Mourning.

SVG's like, alright, "Time to take care of business." Busts through the regular season without breaking a sweat, and gets all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals. Now, mind you, he's made an improvement on last year's team with a much better Wade and an overweight Diesel, that looks ready to tip over. They lose to the 'Stons, who go on to lose in 7 to the Spurs in the Finals. Wow, that sounds like some serious top talent that the Heat went up against.

Wrong, again. Pat's got something else to say.

The bastard just fires Van Gundy, coaches the team, and they win the luckiest title in the history of time, being like one of 3 teams to come back from an 0-2 deficit with a little help from Tim Donaghy.

So, did Pat Riley really do anything so surprising? The literal difference here is he won one more game than SVG, beating the 'Stons in 6. Shocker? Not really, Wade played out of his mind.

Now, SVG is out on the street, and the Magic are thinking about hiring Billy Donovan, but he chicken shits his pants and scrams, leaving the Magic to "settle" with SVG. What happens? Well, the team starts to improve, with the #1 pick in Dwight Howard, and they make it to the playoffs, only to get beat out by the 'Stons.

What does management do? Do they trade the entire team for Kobe Bryant? Nope, they decided to add a few key pieces with guys like Turkgolu and Pietrus, and do even better. Make it to the second round, only to lose the 'Stons again. Well, shit. SVG must blow, right? His team improves again, time to can the guy. Oh, wait, the Magic have some sense, make an absurd deal for the free agent, Rashard Lewis (which doesn't seem so nutty right now, does it?) and look what the team does. They get the 3 seed in the playoffs, and improve once again making it to the Eastern Conference Finals to meet up with the Cavs.

Here's where the story takes another turn, as Shaq (I'm fat and suck) O'Neal decides to call out SVG for crumbling into a pile during crunch time. Well, I saw SVG bitch slap the fuck out of the LeBrons, do the unthinkable and make the NBA Finals.

But still. It's not enough. Is SVG really the man for the job? Why do they shoot so many threes? Is Rashard Lewis' goatee real? Does SVG really have a 14 inch dong? It's gotten to the point where its borderline unreasonable to question the dude. Face the fact that Howard is nowhere near the superstar that Wade became (the year after SVG got canned) as a top 5 baller, and he's surrounded by 3-4 three point shooters at a time. That's how the team works. I know it's odd, and sounds like the plan for a Villanova like NCAA squad (who made the elite 8, which I was there to see. WITNESS), but shit, this isn't how things worked in Miami. Remember the Heat?The only guy who could shoot a consistent three ball on that team was James Posey.

You don't have to think that SVG is a great coach, but just look what he's done over his last 5 years of head coaching experience. Is that not EXACTLY what you want out of a new coach? He may get batty on the sideline, but this Magic team could easily be up 2-1 right now, and the series still has two straight games left. I know it's a long shot, and that there have only been two teams to win all three of those Finals home games in a row... Shit, who were they...???

Oh, that's right, the '04 'Stons and the '06 Heat.

Shit comes full circle like that, don't you love it?

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The PGA & WTA Just Had Simultaneous Orgasms -TOMP



In case you missed it, Tiger Woods & Roger Federer decided to turn on their games and dominate their sports. Since tennis for Europeans, we'll go on to golf.  Tiger decided a final day comeback would be the best approach coming into next week's U.S. Open, and freaked the fuck out of Jimmy Furyk, Davis Love III and Jonny Byrd.  7 under with a 65. Wow. Put your O-Face's on, because that was sensational.  You know who hit every big putt/shot they needed to? Tiger.  You know who all blew lead opportunities after the 14th hole?  Jimmy, Davis & Jonny.  They got fucking tiger slapped.

An additional shout-out to Davis Love for shitting his pants on national television.  An 8 on 16?  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I could get an 8.

Good to see Tiger with his mo-jo going into next week's major at Bethpage.  Lets hope its just as competitive as the Memorial.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Last Women Standing!- BG

Here at The Dome Factor one of the things we pride ourselves on, is our ability to reach out and lend a hand to those in need. That said, one of our loyal followers approached us and asked if we would help get his girlfriend Lisa, on the right, elected into the coveted last remaining spot for the Washington Wizards dance team. In return, if she was elected, all we asked for were C's and Pistons tickets when they play the Wiz at the Verizon Center. If things go really well there is a possibility of a night on the town with the whole dance team and Deshawn Stevenson, but negotiations are still in progress. So CLICK HERE and VOTE FOR LISA!

"And Vanessa Hudgens, who stared in a brave documentary about an all gay high school!" - Andy Samberg