The Dome Factor

Bill Russell: Chicken Soup For The NBA Big Man's Soul

2009-10-29T02:43:00.004-04:00

Meet the NBA's Dr. Phil. Bill Russell gets a one on one opportunity with the former swimmer, Tim Duncan. You'll probably recall some similar interview from last season with everyone's homeboy, KG.

I'm waiting for a weekly podcast.

Look Familiar?

Just When I Was Excited For The Return Of The NBA...

2009-10-29T02:42:00.002-04:00

...I saw this.

Oh My God.

2009-10-22T03:10:00.001-04:00

NFL Thoughts & Frustrations

2009-10-18T14:12:00.003-04:00

Going through the NFL games today, here are some of the things I have been able to pick up on throughout today's action.

-Eli Manning Sucks.

I called this one a little while back, and now the Giants are finally playing a decent team, and oh, look they're getting their asses handed to them. As I type, the Saints have just gone up 27-10.

Annoying Giants' Fan: Waaaahhhhh, look at Eli. He's been dynamite in every other game.

My Counter: False. He only played half the game versus the Raiders, and there were 2 pick 6s in that Cowboys game, so don't try and sell me on this Eli Manning is one of the best in the league right now. Four of their five wins came against these teams: Redskins, Buccaneers, Chiefs and Raiders. Oh, what's their combined record? 3-17. Real solid, right? Please note the Cowboys have won that same number of games, and arguably could/should have taken victories home in the Giants and Broncos opportunities.

-I'm Sick of the Redskins

Can someone please explain what happened in the offseason that changed this team that much? I mean they weren't great my any means, but they won games and put up numbers on teams. Clinton Portis is about as effective from the backfield as nature's speed bump, the manatee.

Well, Jason got benched, and Clinton bursted for his career long carry. How things change.

-Josh Cribbs Is Whatever Offense The Browns Have

Pay this guy already. I wonder how comparable the situations are between Oakland & Cleveland. I mean at least it's nice to live in Oakland, right?

Notre Dame Football is (Still Not) Back! A Follow Up

2009-10-18T14:10:00.002-04:00

So, the game may have come down to 4 plays within the USC 10 for Jimmy Clausen and the boys, but I'm perfectly fine with where I left my assessment. My laptop battery was dying, and the cord was outside in my car.

Notre Dame Football is Back! The USC, ND Live Blog -TOMP

2009-10-17T16:26:00.008-04:00

...from the 2nd quarter on...

In case you missed the first quarter, there was a Matt Barkley touchdown pass through a coverage on par with Lions defense, and was soon followed by a Notre Dame fake field goal that led to a rush TD. Epic stuff.

I'm still trying to get over how the east coast was unable to watch most of the Texas, Oklahoma game due to the feed in from the UConn, Louisville match up from the Big East Network. Isn't it bad enough that the NC State, BC game is being aired after that?

14:54-Barkley nearly throws the 1st & 10 pick. Shades of Jimmy Clausen circa, 2007.

14:46-Joe McKnight rips a 20 yd run on a sweep play. It has been confirmed that McKnight is still ONLY a junior, despite the odd feeling that he has been there since the Reggie Bush era.

13:50-Another 24 yd up the gut run. Notre Dame reaffirms that they are terrible on defense.

12:44-Three more points for USC. Disappointing to say the least. 10-7, Trojan men.

11:51-Notre Dame's best player, Jimmy Clausen is now 3/9 for 20 yards. Please note that the kick holder, Eric Maust, who threw the ball on the fake field goal back in the first quarter is 1/1 for 25 yards. NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL IS BACK!

10:14-We've just been informed that Matt Barkley is in the same spot now Clausen was back in '07, as true freshman starting for their programs. The biggest similarity here seems to be how bad both of these two blew as freshmen. Jimmy's freshman year he completed 56% of his passes for 7 TDs and 6 INTs for 1254 yards. Sounds like a Heisman guy to me! I'll take Chad Henne with his 25 TDs, 2700 yards and a trip to the Rose Bowl.

8:22-USC nearly fumbles, painting a horribly misleading image that the Irish are playing effectively. Their best player is Matt Barkley. Put in Mitch Mustain already. While we're waiting for the refs to confirm that this was not a fumble, I highly recommend watching the below video for an idea of when one has had too much:

7:24-The score is now 13-7, Trojans. I'm convinced I'm watching the 2 worst big name qbs in the nation. I have no clue what 3 plays the Irish allowed USC to run to get that close to the end zone.

Commercial-Saw VI!!! Lost your lunch recently?

Commercial-SNL is on tonight. It is also exclusively sponsored by Bud Light Golden Wheat. I was appalled with Bud Light Lime. I think this has gone too far.

5:34-Notre Dame bursts for back to back explosive ways. Looks like back to back blown USC coverage. They'll bounce back.

3:17-Notre Dame blows the drive and punts. Good to see them back in stride.

1:45-Holding on USC. Intentional Grounding on USC, thanks Matt Barkley. Oh, and almost a fumble from Barkley. The #1 QB coming out of high school in the nation!

:56-USC punts to Golden Ta(in)te. I think the punter just made the play of the game somehow catching a one hopped snap. Yeah, it has been that kind of half.

HALFTIME-Arkansas is beating Florida 10-7? Where is God's personal touch?

11:13-Clausen completes a pass to a WR that looks exactly like Jeff Szmardgia. Where do they find these guys?

7:29-Finally. A decent big TD play. Lovely swing pass to one of the 7 Top 10 rated WR recruits on USC for 6. 20-7 USC. It aint lookin good for the Irish.

(FL)2:59-God's second born throws a giant 77 yd TD pass. 13-10, Gators.

7:15-Jimmy Clausen was just delivered a sack lunch. Ouch.

5:18-Clausen nails Tate with a bomb. That was absurd. Super awkward celebration ensues. Jimmy really needs to work on those moves.

3:45-So, now Barkley delivers an amazing throw on 3rd and 8. The QBs have turned it on in the 2nd half. 1st and goal USC.

2:35-Another TD. 27-14, Trojans.

13:33-McKnight with the TD for USC. I'm calling it. It's over.

The Way It Was -TOMP

2009-09-17T01:32:00.003-04:00

I can't Help but agree with Chad Ford on this one. The first NBA experience I had was watching Jordan and the Bulls go at it with Barkley's Suns, and for the love of God it was just amazing to see. Little did I know that this would be the short end of the tenure for the NBA's greatest player.

The next two years greatly shaped my sports viewing life as I lived just outside of Houston from '92-'95. That left me to experience the end of Jordan's first run and the back to back Clutch City titles featuring "The Dream, who was ironically the number 1 pick in Jordan's draft" as the Bulls were no longer in the picture.

The era felt like it was lacking, The toughness was gone, that I've seen so much of through ESPN Classic games. Note, that those games featured the Bad Ass Pistons of the 80s who lost their flair after '91.

Regardless, I was able to witness Jordan's return (as 45) back in '96 and there really hasn't been a more incredible comeback in the history of sports.

Following that. 3 more rings. Boom. You can't help but wonder what would have have happened if he hadn't been suspended for gambling in '94 & '96.

A sad story indeed.

Death of a Legend

2009-09-15T08:48:00.002-04:00

The holder of such legendary names as James Dalton, Johnny Castle, and Bodhi has finally lost his battle with cancer. He beat the shit out of pancreatic cancer for a year and a half, when most normal men last only 3 to 6 months. Swayze was way past his prime in terms of producing classics such as Roadhouse, Dirty Dancing, Red Dawn, and Point Break, but those movies will be watchable forever. RIP 1952-2009.

"Pain Don't Hurt"

ESPN Likes To Tell Jokes

2009-09-12T04:06:00.002-04:00

Come On....

Go Blue!!!!

A Summary Of The Bears' & Broncos' Offseason

2009-09-12T03:43:00.002-04:00

Finally -TOMP

2009-09-12T01:19:00.009-04:00

"Found this DeadSpin user comment hilarious based on eerily similar coaches and lieutenants. Just for note, you should check out Google Images to see the most common movie poster, but do yourself a favor and don't watch it. I mean, even a nun gets raped. Yeah, I'm serious. Oh, God. There's a sequel coming out too. With Nic Cage. FML" -TOMP

Football is back, and I've been so busy absorbing in what's happened over the last week that I haven't been able to compile my thoughts together until now. In no particular order, here are my random points of discussion following the conclusion of the first week of the NCAA and going right into the first week of the NFL season.

1.) You may recall some rant nearing the end of March Madness referring to the highlight of the tourney having to do with me seeing Duke get their asses kicked at TD Bank(North) Garden. Well, some things have changed since then. You will find their 2nd tier overrated benched point guard, #3 (clearly labeled in this past post), may have pulled a crazy move and transferred to 'Cuse, only to be named the starting quarterback of the team after the first week of practice.

Needless to say, this in was only one of the many factors that made this the worst sports associated summers of my sort of short life. Well, had to bite the bullet last week and watch 'Cuse play on national TV in their season debut vs. the Golden Gophers. Now, I don't feel like digging through the records to find all of the nationally televised Syracuse football games from the last 5 years or so, but I can pretty much guarantee the record is about 2-9. Assuming those numbers are accurate, you know one came from last year's Notre Dame upset.

Now, you may call to mind that analysts were calling this one of the worst defeat/collapses of all time, but seeing as how Notre Dame is one of my least favorite things of all time (Note, that Dan has moved on to smaller and lamer things), and that win alone made up for a lot of disappointments over the last few years. So, by my count, Greg Paulus plays for Syracuse now because somehow 'Cuse beat up the Irish last fall. Don't question my logic, you know it's too coincidental to be a coincidence.

Bottom Line: Paulus impressed me. He had that stupid over confident look on his face and played well almost all game. I'll forgive him for that INT targeted for the 1 Orange player surrounded by 5 Gophers for the simple reason that I've played Madden and NCAA Football enough times to know that the risk is worth it. It was a tough loss, but the fans were fucking stoked and you could hear it the entire game. The defense had this rejuvenated charge where they carried themselves around like they fucking owned the place. They didn't looked scared, content or like they were about to shit their pants. It was the 'Cuse I picture Keith Bulluck going to. They may not win a ton of games this year, but they're certainly going to be a lot more fun to watch. And when have you heard this much chatter about 'Cuse football on ESPN Radio, .Com and TV? It's good to see.

2.) Speaking of Bulluck the Titans and Steelers has a little song and dance on Thursday to kick off the NFL season. How was it? Fucking awesome. If you missed the first half, it was just a bunch of 275 lbers crackin' skulls and nailin' the bajesus out of each other. Troy Polamalu was playing just out of his freaking mind for ever play he was in there. It just sucks that he had to be a member of the Bob Sanders club and be injured every other game. Those two are so fucking sha-nasty. I'm sick of them being injured. Can we let the guys who already kick ass pop some 'roids and.or HGH to get back quicker? I'd be happy about that. Some Papi HGH eye drops at the very least. Moving on, it was a good game where the Titans still pound on D and the Steelers are showing how lame their O-Line still is. Oh, and that guy, LaMarr Woodley, went to Michigan. NBD.

3.) I'm sick of the Colorado Buffalo. Dan Hawkins sucks, and his son sucks even more (64 pass attempts vs. Toledo!!!). Why is the Big 12 North STILL a huge joke? Honestly, it's annoying. Sure, Nebraska's always going to have that 20-25 ranking, but they'll always get bitch smacked by a higher tier team. Outside of them? The division is about as consistent as herpes. One day you think you're outbreak free (OMG-Mizzou lost in the Big 12 Championship, Kansas is winning a BCS Bowl and Nebraska beat Michigan in a bowl game!) and the next you're breaking out like a teenager seeing his first Molly Ringwald movie (see: the 2009 season).

4.) Look, the Cowboys have some wide receiver and cornerback issues, but they're going to be fine. They had the most sacks in the league last year, Ware and James back, Newman is the fucking man but they will miss the shit out of Chris Canty. Domination should ensue Sunday vs. the Buccaneers. I eagerly await the match up.

5.) Aaron Rodgers, Michael 'The Burner' Turner, Clinton Portis, Steve Smith (Carolina), Wes Welker, Santonio Holmes, Jonathan Stewart, Greg Olsen, Leon Washington, Fred Jackson, Kevin Walter, Josh Morgan, David Garrard, Ryan Longwell, The Eagles D and the Pats D. What do these NFL players/groups have in common? They're about to win a 2nd straight fantasy title for The Ho. C. Seriously, no one stands a chance.

I'm just happy the league is back on.

54: Full Tilt, Full Time

2009-08-31T10:21:00.005-04:00

A sad, but proud day in New England. Tedy Bruschi, the American Hero, is calling it a career after 13 years with the New England Patriots. I was not surprised when I heard the announcement yesterday because even by Tedy's own admission, he felt old. He was old, but he was also one of the faces of the Patriots' Dynasty. No one put in more effort on and off the field than Tedy Bruschi. Tedy wasn't a superstar, but a star and a playmaker. In his book, he said that when it is time, he will go out on his own terms. He gets to do just that. He will be missed.

(Hey Brandon Marshall, you ass-hat. This is how a real football player acts. He doesn't act like an eight year old girl, who's mom won't buy them the latest Hannah Montana DVD. Go beat up another girlfriend, because you sir, are a PUSSY.)

Thank You, Ozzie

2009-08-26T14:50:00.010-04:00

Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie. After a fortunate bounce off home plate and a line drive off Mike Lowell's glove, you had the lead. Later on, the Red Sox blacked out for two ABs and giftwrapped 1st and 3rd with no outs. Dye pops up, Ass Jockey Pierzynski has the worst at bat in the history of modern civilization, and strikes out, then Alex Rios comes up. Francona takes Okajima out because Rios is a righty and brings in Delcarmen (righty). Instead of pinch hitting with FUTURE HALL OF FAMER JIM THOME, he elects to stay with Rios. This would be fine if Rios was tearing the cover off the ball. He is barely above .200 right now with his new team and was just thrown overboard because he is $60 million of dead weight. To say he is "pressing" right now would be a bigger understatement than saying Jeffrey Dahmer was disturbed. Delcarmen puts a slider on a tee and Rios....POPS UP! Thank you, Ozzie. Bay hits a dong and the rest is history. Hopefully Wake wins tonight.

I'm Lost

2009-08-25T13:23:00.006-04:00

Snipes, Swayze, and Leguizamo in drag and the 2009 Red Sox, equally as confusing (Ok maybe not Leguizamo). If Jose Contreras had a semblance of a brain, he would have let Konerko field that ball and the Sox probably lose that game. Who knows? Just another very weird game in a even weirder season. And now the Sox just picked up Billy Wagner. It the words of TOMP, "I hope that noodle arm comes with some marinara sauce." Last time the Sox picked up a washed up closer (See: Gagne, Eric), they won it all. If that happens, I guess it's, thanks for everything, Julie Newmar.

Man Your Battlestations!

2009-08-21T09:41:00.016-04:00

(Quietly my favorite Sox-Yankees moment of the last few years. Mike Lowell leveling Cano in the middle of the base paths breaking up a double play. What this doesn't show is that he ran over the catcher an inning later. Doesn't get any better than Mikey Lowell)

It has been awhile since I have written about the Red Sox. Half of it is because I am lazy and I have really let TDF down lately. But the other half is because I really do not know what to say about them. I watch every game and it seems like they are always doing one thing extremely well and one thing extremely bad. For example, Tuesday's game against the Blue Jays. They are hitting the cover off the ball, but Beckett and the bullpen would have faired better if they just put the ball on a tee. It was atrocious. This season is more perplexing than Caster Semenya. All that aside though, the last two games, they seem to have pulled it together. Everything has been clicking and just in time for a huge series with the Yankees.

I am not going to sit here and do the position comparisons because the Yankees trump the Sox in just about every category, except the bullpen and that is virtually a tie. Instead I will provide a preview for each game.

Game 1: Brad "I Don't Have An Out Pitch" Penny, goes up against Andy "Nobody Cares That I Cheated Cause Roger Clemens Is Such An Arrogant Fucking Moron" Pettitte. This pitching matchup undoubtedly favors the Evil Empire. The kids from Peabody have curveballs that would baffle the Yankees hitters more than that thing Penny lofts up there. It is amazing Fat Brad gets away with what he does, which isn't much because I don't think he has given up a soft hit all year. If Penny can chug through five or six innings without the Yankees reenacting their version of Hitler's Blitzkrieg, the Sox will have a fighting chance because their lefties, career-wise, have CRUSHed Andy Pettitte. Ortiz, .370, JD Drew, .375, and Ellsbury .417. Just for good measure, righties, Bay, .444, Youk .360, Lowell, .333. I am not going to break down the Yankees numbers against Penny because they have not had enough ABs and if they did it would be on par with fielding %. I'm talking REAL UGLY.

Game 2: Junichi Tazawa vs A.J. Burnett. Burnett sucks in Fenway Park, but he is going up against Tazawa who looks like he could be pitching for the Japan Little League and no one would bat an eye. The only good news for the Sox, there is no Mano-a-Mano factor with Burnett like there was last week when Josh Beckett was on the bump. No way Burnett goes into this start thinking "Oh man, gotta out-pitch Junichi Tazawa, that guy doesn't give an inch, neither can I!!" I do not know what to make of this game because there are a lot of factors. Thanks to Hurricane Billy Boy, there are gonna be rain delays, and also, the game is the Fox Game of the Week which means it will be 7 hours and last into the night. The Aflac "I Want To Rip My Ear Ears Off" Moment of the game will come when Tim McCarver tries to break down Junichi Tazawa's motion/pitches. "Junichi Tazawa has an un-orthodox delivery and throws a curveball. What is an un-orthodox delivery and a curveball? It's when he winds up very unusually and then throws a pitch called a "curveball", down and away from right handed hitters!"...At that time, you will hear Joe Buck yell out "BARTENDER!!" and I will be snuggling up next to a grenade and pulling the pin. That is about as much a preview as I have because this game is fucked.

Game 3: Last Tuesday aside, you have two of the best pitchers in baseball going Sunday night. Josh Beckett vs C.C. Sabathia. This has all the makings of a classic showdown and a mistake by wither pitcher could end up costing them the game. Except for the "soothing sounds" of Joe Morgan, this game should be extremely enjoyable to watch. CC has not pitched well in Fenway Park in years past, including multiple colossal choke jobs in the playoffs. But this is a different year and he is with a MUCH better team. Beckett has dominated the Yankees this year and no doubt will be back in sync after Tuesday's debacle. Especially because I think that Francona rolls out Tek to catch him for this game (IF healthy). The key to a Sox win will be to take advantage in the first two innings. Establish a lead early, because once CC settles in, forget it, he is going 8 and handing the ball to Mo. I like my chances if it's 3-0 Sox in the third inning with Beckett on the mound for a big game.

I don't like to make predictions, but I think the Sox take two of three here. The main problem in the last series (aside from the Penny game), was that their bats were colder than Hillary's whispering eye. Now they are Alba Hot. In these games a lot of it comes down to the last couple of at bats and being at home with the crowd at their back, I like the Sox to win the series. God I hope I am right.

(Side Note: If you haven't been watching Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Bengals, you are missing out. The un-intentional comedy is off the charts. From OchoCinco coining new catch phrases, to an inside look at Tank Johnson's home, to police officers coming in and telling them what they can and can't do off the field, it's just priceless. I kept waiting for the camera's to uncover an AK-47 and a pound of weed from Tank's humble abode. This is all going on while serious music plays quietly in the background and its being narrated by that guy with the monotone voice. The first practice Marvin Lewis has them playing Tug of War. Like REAL Tug of War. You watch this and realize why the Bengals are The Bengals.)

Seriously, You Can't Make This Shit Up

2009-08-19T01:54:00.002-04:00

Another Loss for the Raiders?

2009-08-18T23:02:00.003-04:00

I mean really, another guy I've NEVER heard of? and I thought the Giants had problems...

(Insert Gun in Mouth)

2009-08-18T11:32:00.003-04:00

Apparently, according to a TDF source, Brett Favre is about to sign with the Vikings. I think I was more surprised when Adam Lambert came out of the closet and that guy basically smoked pole on stage for 3 months. I guess "Brokeback Mountain" themed camping trips in tight Wrangler jeans, were getting old for Brett Favre. Brett Favre just continues to tarnish his legacy and this will officially alienate the only people who ever liked him anyway, Packers Fans. This would be like Tom Brady going to the Jets.

He will fail this year and when he does, it will just add to his downfall. Our source also told me that ESPN's Ed Werner and Chris Mortenson were seen making out and jerking each other off as Brett boarded a plane in Mississippi. I bet Peter King will do a whole special edition of the Monday Morning Snooze Fest entitled "Brett Favre is back, I just creamed in my Latte." He will talk of how he sexted Brett Favre a picture of himself in a purple Vikings thong holding a big metal axe.

My point is that the national media coverage will be nauseating as usual and maybe Brett will even shed another tear. I don't even know why I am wasting my god damn breath on this, so I'm done. I hope the Vikings don't win a game. Oh and Greg Paulus is Cuse's new QB and the Sox are in pergatory. I cannot wait for September 14th.

Michael Bay Movies. Worse Than This Summer's Offseason?

2009-08-18T03:01:00.001-04:00

What Next? FML.

2009-08-18T01:07:00.003-04:00

Seriously?

Just Another Day In The Life Of Eli Manning

2009-08-14T01:27:00.002-04:00

Yeah, what's the deal?

Oh, Boy-The Preseason

2009-08-14T01:14:00.003-04:00

I don't know what's more offensive. The Cowboys not scoring a single touchdown following Mr. Romo's departure from the field, or the fact that I have no idea who a single player is that scored a TD for the Raiders.

Vick To The Eagles

2009-08-13T23:30:00.002-04:00

Fuck. This does not bode well.

Somebody's Closer

2009-08-13T23:17:00.002-04:00

Guess who's on the hunt? Damn right, Tiger Woods, bitches. He decided to save everyone the drama and took the lead after day 1. Don't be surprised to see him at 11 under by the end of tomorrow.

The New York Giants: Officially Ready to Suck for the Next Six Years

2009-08-05T11:40:00.005-04:00

Well, the New York Giants look ready to concede the NFC (B)East over to the highest bidder from the 'Boys, Birds or 'Skins. They officially signed Eli Manning (Jamoke Face, USA) to a 6 year, $97 million deal, making him, oh, one of the highest paid players in the entire league.

I just did a quick run down of the numbers. Passing TD Titles? Zero. Passing TD Titles? Zero. Records Broken? Zero. Pro Bowls? One, the same amount as Derek Anderson. Super Bowls? Ok, one, but that's only because there wasn't a single holding call, and the luckiest catch ever was completed (Thanks again Rodney Harrison, if there was a good time to cheap shot a guy, I'm pretty sure that was it).

Sure, Eli has had some decent numbers, but lets not overlook the fact that it was done with the presence of the Giants' all time leading receiver in Amani Toomer (who just signed with the NFL Senior Tour Corps on the Chiefs, along with Bobby Engram & Mike Vrabel) and one of the taller, more talented guys in the league Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the foot. On a side note, is it not bewildering how all MSU WRs eventually fuck themselves over one way or the other with their tenure in the NFL? Really, outside of Muhsin Muhammad, I don't think there has been one that didn't fuck themselves royally.

So, lets see who the Giants have playing some WR this season, I just crunched the numbers for career totals with this bunch of unprovens and shitheads. All receivers combined have caught a whopping 155 passes and accumulated a horrifying 1,717 total yards. Remember, these are CAREER numbers for Ten players (three are rookies, but I could care less)

But what about the Tight Ends? Guess what, it does not get any prettier. 110 receptions and 1,256 yards. Career numbers, for everyone on the team.

Yup, this is finally the year where everyone remembers that Eli's a little bitch with Archie Manning for an agent. I'm predicting an IR move around week 12 to save a little face, and watch David Carr, the human sack machine, re-emerge as a potential starter for 2010.

Love it. See you with a Top 10 draft pick in '10 NY.

"If we're going to be meeting sophisticated people, we need to start acting with class, we cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes!"

If The 2009 Celtics Want America To Puke In Their Mouths, It's Working

2009-08-04T12:30:00.002-04:00

Source: "Victor Martinez to the Sox"

2009-07-31T14:36:00.002-04:00

Sources at The Dome Factor have just learned that the Red Sox have a deal in place for Victor Martinez. The deal does NOT include Clay Buchholz OR Daniel Bard, rather the key piece in the deal is Justin Masterson. If this is true, nice job Theo! Apparently this deal is closer to happening, than Amy Winehouse is to dying, so stay tuned.

Red Sox Make Offer for Halladay!

2009-07-28T16:44:00.005-04:00

According to Yahoo! Sports Gordon Edes, the Red Sox have offered Clay Buchholz, Michael Bowden, and The Pride of Portsmouth, RI, 19 year old Ryan Westmoreland for Roy Halladay. Pull that mother fucking trigger! This is a no brainer. Buchholz looks and acts like a scared little boy who just got out of Neverland Ranch anyhow. Please let this happen. (Throw in Jed Lowrie and have the Jays toss in Marco Scutaro too, Come on Theo!)

No No NOO!

2009-07-22T15:08:00.003-04:00

Ok guys, where is Ashton? Is this punk'd? I mean this is not what the Red Sox need. Adam LaRoche is an average player AT BEST, on a shitty NL team. He is a homeless man's J.D. Drew. Ya. There has to be another move. If there is not, I am convinced that Theo loves hoarding white guys, who love hunting and goofy facial hair. I think thats cool and all and I myself would love to kill a ten point buck one day, but it's about winning championships.

Second half outlook tomorrow, stay tuned.

Vacation Time!

2009-07-21T15:34:00.003-04:00

The Dome Factor Staff has been on vacation and is now getting back on track. We apologize to TDF Nation, posts will resume shortly, I am still cleaning the sand out of my ears. Patience is a virtue.

Wake Gets the All Star Nod!

2009-07-06T11:15:00.008-04:00

Welcome to the 2009 National Spelling Bee! Kavya Shivashankar, can you spell, professional, unselfish, and class-act?? If you don't get this right, you will be locked back in your ABC shaped cage in the murky basement with the latest edition of Webster's for the next 6 months. Now, here it is in a sentence...If there was ever an example of a professional, unselfish, class-act baseball player or person, Tim Wakefield would be it.

Ok, that intro was a little bit overdone, but I couldn't be happier for Tim Wakefield right now. The man is 42 years old, will probably be the Red Sox all time wins leader when it's all said and done, and now he gets his first All-Star nod. This was a slightly controversial pick because despite his league leading 10 wins, his numbers are not typical "all-star quality" (This also just adds to Joe Maddon's resume as another class-act). Congrats to Wake and I think they should be able to fly George Kottaras out to the game too, because George has filled in seamlessly in his rookie season catching for Wake.

"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

Sheed To The Cs

2009-07-05T21:48:00.001-04:00

You'll be seeing a lot more of this. Congratulations on getting the missing piece for the 2010 title.

Joey Chestnut: American Hero

2009-07-05T15:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Japan,

Look familiar?

With Love,

-The U.S.A.

Air McNair? Say It Aint So -TOMP

2009-07-05T15:13:00.003-04:00

Note, this was the closet picture I could find of McNair doing his trademark TD celebration

Like most, I was shocked to hear about the shooting of Steve McNair. What struck me the most was how great a player he was and I never seemed to realize it. McNair was the guy who did all the cliche tough guy actions, that make or break an NFL player, particularly a quarterback. Whether you needed a guy with six injuries to captain the offense, someone to lead that comeback with two minutes to go or pull a draw play on 4 & 3; McNair was your guy.

Here's to a rough couple of weeks for celebrity death.

The 2010 Celtics' Roster Is Coming Together Nicely

2009-07-02T09:47:00.004-04:00

You know when you have a half Japanese baller on your summer league team; good things are bound to happen.

What A Great Trio

2009-07-01T19:52:00.006-04:00

You know good things are happening at the Congressional Pro-Am

It's the NBA. They're Free Agents. Where They At? -TOMP

2009-06-30T21:55:00.008-04:00

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeed. You will be missed. By this guy. Greatly.

So, it's that time of year. The summer is on, there are no sports worth watching and the NBA draft is over. Time to find out where the real talent lies. If there's one thing that the NBA knows, it's that Free Agents make or break a team like David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar.

The plan here is to sort out the real ballers in free agency this year. Not just what they bring to the table, but where they want to end up, versus where they will actually end up. Many will tell you this is nearly impossible to predict. I'm here to tell you, I know it all. Lets get this list started....

Number 1:

Carlos Boozer & Mehmet Okur

What they bring to the table? Absolutely nothing. Both pussied out of entering free agency. You know what we call that? A Shaun Livingston. I'm talking career ending injuries this season.

Where they should end up? Okur would have been a brilliant fit with the Charlotte Bobcats. Under reaching, tons of potential and that bitch ass, 'I should have gotten that call' face.

Boozer, gee. "If the Pistons don't sign me, I'm screwed." Yeah, you douchebag. Enjoy fucking over the Jazz like you did Cleveland. You can't make money if you don't try asshole.

Where they will end up: Nowhere. They're in Utah, opting out of effort. Enjoy the tight women and weak beer. It's like prohibition. Only for eternity.

Number 2:

Hedo Turkoglu

What he brings to the table? Well, he does bring you versatility to 3 starting positions. Despite BG beliefs, the guy can actually play the 1 or 4 to a decent degree of effectiveness. 3 point shooting, consistency and validation of the ugliness of the Turkish race is what he's loaded with.

Where he should end up? Orlando really is a good spot for this guy. They have one real ball handler and an assload of three point shooters who can barely rebound. They've got the pieces together now, and Hedo has been part of the Magic (pun intended). It would seem that they'd be an offensive powerhouse if he stuck around. Although, he could opt for more money, go to Sacramento, and be working as a blackjack dealer for the Maloofs in under 5 years. Promise, baby, promise.

Where he will end up: Portland. Guess what, Hedu. No one wants to pay some dude $10 million who can't really play a single position. SUCKA!

Number 3:

Ben Gordon

What he brings to the table? Streaky shooting, a crappy attitude and a bench player

Where should he end up? Please, Gordon has got Knicks/Run & Gun written all over him.

Where he will end up: What better way to compliment 4 guards that you already have then to bring another cocky prick to the table. Congratulations Joe Dumars & the Detroit Pistons. Allen Iverson 2.0, only he tries less, produces more and plays just as good of defense. I can't fucking wait.

Number 4:

Trevor Ariza & Lamar Odom

What they bring to the table? These two have a lot of similarities, such as three point shooting, athleticism, match up difficulties, smart defensive play and a real feel for the game. The problem? One tries, and the other tries when he eats candy.

Where should they end up? Both should end up back in LA, to assure the championship team still has it's fire for the 09-10 season.

Where they will end up: Well, Ariza guaranteed himself big money, and you gotta think the Lakers are gonna want someone who got better throughout the year to compliment the dominant Gasol/Bynum inside game, and Trevor looks like their man. Then there's Lamar. Hey, at least URI got on the map for a little while, right? Enjoy some terrible team with a lot of free money. You tried as hard every night as Tim Donaghy.

Number 5:

Anderson Varejao

What he brings.... Oh, wait. We don't discuss a no talent ass clowns that cost LeBron his 2nd title in 3 seasons? My bad, the D-League awaits. Or the Ringling Brothers. Go fuck yourself.

Number 6:

Rasheed (don't you fucking look me over) Wallce

What he bring to the table? How about everything? Shooting, defense, rebounding, three pointers, an absurd low block game, free throws and oh, the most loved personality (amongst teammates) in the league.

Where should he end up? San Antonio has 'Sheed written all over it. Veteran leadership, a solid team and an amazing coach. You know what 'Sheed loves? Kicking ass, taking names and winning. The only place where he can be a dynamically effective starter and have a legit shot at a championship is the Spurs.

Where he will end up: It's destined that 'Sheed will join the Celtics. He knows I'm his biggest fan, he opted to come to Detroit and win the 'Stons a fucking sweet championship (God, that was sweet), and he without a doubt is ready to finish his years in front of my eyes. With KG and The Truth, I just can't see a reason why this wouldn't be the great show on Earth. Signing a one year deal is the route to take, so he can play with little Rajon and facilitate the rest of the team with his awareness. Oh, and you know who 'Sheed loves? KG. Lets fucking make it happen.

Ok, Here Are Some Other Douchebags to Keep Your Eye On:

Ron Artest (seriously, this guy has skills. Huge fan.), Channing Frye, Antonio McDyess, Chris Anderson, Marquis Daniels (another diamond in the rough), Grant Hill (37 years old and top 20 in PER for SFs. No reason not to sign him), Ronald 'Flip' Murray (great role player, not sure why you wouldn't sign him), Joe Smith, Brandon Bass, Bobby Jackson, Rodney Cardney, Jason Collins, Rasho Nesterovic and Juwan Howard.

If You Thought That Was Bad...

Charlie Villanueva, Drew Gooden, Sean May, Robert Swift, Dahntay Jones, Sheldon Williams (Candace will make more), Desmond Mason, Wally Szczerbiak, Gerald Green and Miki Moore.

TDF Caption Contest- BG

2009-06-23T08:39:00.002-04:00

"This takes hide the sausage to a whole new level"

"I'd like to dine with that swine, then hit her from behind"

ESPN is Delusional - BG

2009-06-22T10:14:00.003-04:00

This is a joke. Whoever voted "No" on this poll is a fucking moron and ESPN poll makers are morons for even giving people a choice. Even Yankee fans are pissed that Dice-K is going on the DL. It's frightening to know that Crack is the number one import of Idaho and Delaware.

ESPN: Continues To Creep Out Many -TOMP

2009-06-21T21:10:00.001-04:00

Seriously. What is the deal here?

No Tiger? No Problem. The US Open Live. -TOMP

2009-06-21T14:10:00.024-04:00

Alright, it's 2:10, Tiger's +3, it's not looking good for him. Lucky for us, Phil's on a mission to save Amy's Ta-Tas, so we've got that working for us. I'm accompanied by Grandpa Hagan and Michael 'Mustang' Roche. Let's do this.

2:13-Phil for par, he's really got his eyes on the prize today, but I expect nothing but a Winged Foot implosion. Amy's nervous.

2:16-Chris decides to get up. There's a Coastal Flood Advisory in Farmingdale, NY. I'm gonna go ahead and say that can't bode well for anyone today.

2:18-Our first Crack joke of the day. It's only a matter of time before "Spread your cheeks, and lift your sack" becomes the saying of the tourney. We're at commercial, by the way.

3:16-Phil's trying to redeem himself off the shitty drive. Killer backspin approach shot. He's dancin' close to the hole.

2:20-We've just been informed that Ortiz has hit his 6th home run of the year. The HGH eye drops strike again.

2:21-Barnes (our current leader) for birdie. He shorts that one like a girl trying out for QB on a football team.

2:22-Tiger for birdie. He blows it, still at +3. We've just been informed that something "just isn't clicking." No shit. He's 13 back, "He's got this." -Gpa Hagan

2:23-Tiger hits the Par 3 with a 6 iron. Tiger's dancing like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. 7 feet, max.

2:25-Ricky Barnes is having his, "coming out party." Thanks NBC, I'll call LGBT.

2:31-Tiger's up for birdie again. Lets see him sink that shit. BOO YA!!!!! Tiger at +2. Damn right, that's what he's used to.

2:31-Ricky Barnes is playing quite a round of golf. Just nailed a ball a bit off the green, but he's kept his cool. It's impressive.

2:33-Hunter Mahan just sank back to back birdies, and is till over 5 back. Barnes has got a stranglehold on the field.

2:34-If you're bored, heckle.

2:37-"That's what you call straight." -NBC. There sure is a lot of sexuality related comments in today's broadcast.

2:40-Barnes is feelin' the heat now, complete choke job driving on 10.

2:42-Barnes save a stroke, they found his ball in the swamp.

2:48-Tiger's up for eagle. NBD. Excellence is the only thing going through his mind. AHHHHH, misses it by inches, the birdie will be a cake walk, we'll assume Tiger's at +1.

2:49-Barnes is the singing in the rain trying to figure out how to get his shank out of the jungle. Takes his sweet ass time. Christ, nails right onto the green. Should be able to get away with losing no more than 1 stroke. This guy will choke, I can feel it.

2:57-Lucas Glover decides to hit the only birdie of the day on 10. He's 4 back of Barnes. Too bad this is only the third round.

3:00-Barnes: Back in the Bush-The Anne Heche Story.

3:02-Phil with back to back birdies, 8 back of the lead. Mickelson's on the hunt.

3:03-A sneaky comeback from the Goose. He's at -1, tied with Phil.

3:06-Phil went for it. It didn't go well.

3:11-Glover sinks a pretty birdie. He's got a deadset look in his eye. I like his chances, "a born winner."

3:12-David Duval continues to fall off the golf map...

3:13-Tiger's got another long putt. He needs this.

3:14-Tiger continues to miss the long ones.

3:27-Barnes has his first 3 putt of the Open. This baby is getting closer & closer.

3:35-Duval with some signs of life. Pitch right near the hole.

3:36-WOW! Phil hits a long one on the green. Amy's ta-tas have jumped for joy.

3:43-Dice-K to the DL. There's a lot of happy Sox fans right now.

3:43-The crowd can't stop cheering for the ta-tas husband.

3:47-Phil blows a big birdie. Harsh.

3:51-Tiger misses another putt to get back in this. Total snooze fest happening for round 3 at Bethpage.

4:01-Phil nails another birdie to close out the 3rd. Clearly, he is the hot commodity going into tomorrow.

This seems like the day is pretty much wrapped. We'll get an update up when the the 4th day is in the record books.

Tail Between His Legs- BG

2009-06-19T14:02:00.003-04:00

Well Tiger was cruising along at even par, but fell apart in the last four holes like Jean Van de Velde in '99 at Carnoustie. He finished with a four over, 74. Luckily for Tiger this was just the first round and if he can shoot a 66 tomorrow morning and get it to even, he should be ok. I cannot have a repeat of Winged Foot in '06, Tiger. Get it together, make the cut, and take it home. Stay tuned because TOMP will be conducting the first ever TDF Golf Diary on Sunday.

"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

Just Another Night at Friendly Fenway! - BG

2009-06-18T08:43:00.006-04:00

In case your locked in a basement, Josef Fritzl style, last night was the 500 consecutive sellout at Fenway Park. That is a little over 6 seasons if you break it down. Brad Penny got his 100th win, Papi continues to excel with his HGH eye drops, and Jacoby Ellsbury made up for a first inning brain fart and crushed a homer into the right field seats. The best part of the night was when Bobby Orr emerged from the Green Monster to greet fellow Canadian Jason Bay. Bay is a huge hockey fan and a surprise from one of the greats, capped off a great win. Just another night in Boston.

"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

Nostalgia -TOMP

2009-06-16T23:53:00.003-04:00

I could have sworn I knew someone who had this shirt when Dice-K got signed...

Wake Me Up When It's Over- BG

2009-06-16T09:46:00.012-04:00

I cannot do it anymore. When I switch over to the Red Sox games at 7 pm and see the D-Bag above is pitching, I change the channel faster than a 14 year old who is watching porn when his mom walks in. I cannot find the button fast enough. Daisuke Matsusaka has taken over the "Human Rain Delay" title from Steve Trachsel. I think I'd rather watch Julio Lugo take infield practice for 3 hours. Last season was the strangest 18-3 season I have ever seen. Did anyone feel confident in any of his big game starts or playoff starts? NO. If you say yes, your lying. This season he is 1-4, 31 IP, 51 FUCKING HITS, with a 7.55 ERA. He also averages 100 pitches every 4 2/3 innings. Opponents are batting .372 against him, with an OBP of .431. We cannot trade him because he is worth an asinine $104 million and gets pampered with more perks than Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian combined.

The Red Sox brass HAS to do something. They have John Smoltz foaming at the mouth to come up and pitch. The Sox have Brad Penny, who gets better and better with every start. He is now consistently up at 96-97 mph and locating really well. Then the Sox have Clay Bucholz who is bending the minor leagues over and would gladly kill Dice-K for another shot in the majors (It's a win-win for me) Realistically, if Clay had just gotten his act together last year, this would not be an issue. However, he shat down his leg in 15 starts last year and earned the "He's not ready yet" title. He's also a bit of a pre-madonna who complains about being in the minors and sort of looks like a transvestite with the hair he is rockin'. Right now Clay is on the proverbial back burner.

The Sox cannot go to a six man rotation. That would throw Beckett and Lester off and they just got back on track (except for Beckett's hiccup the other day, but he really didn't throw that badly). They need to sit Godzilla down and say,

"Look, you had to go play for your Japanese National Team in the WBC, a.k.a Worthless Baseball Crock. We understand that because if you didn't, they would probably lop off your right arm and banish you. Eventhough most fans in Boston love how that sounds right now, John Henry just stupidly got married and now he only has half of his money. We cannot just pay you and say sayonara, no more pitchy pitchy for dicey dicey. Now, you are back in a real country, America. You play for a real team, the Boston Red Sox. You are going to do this our way and we do not think your ready. You can do one of two things. You can go to Florida and go through an extended spring training. We will make up an injury, put you on the DL, and you just have to go down there and throw to a bunch of hacks. Get your arm ready, slay some floridian women, and we will see you in a month. OR you can be buried to mop up duty in the bullpen and spend your time being heckled with racial slurs by Papelbon and deal with him constantly making fun of you because "The Throw In" Okajima has turned out much better than you have. And he makes $7 million less a year than you do. What do you think?"

His response will look something like this, "私がひどいことを知っていて、私をマイナーリーグに注文してください" And it's over with.

Bring up Smoltz. If he fails, bring up Bucholz. If they fail, bring up Michael Bowden. If all else fails, go get Benihana, stick him in the starting rotation, and try again. Please just stop the misery NOWWW!

"Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."

No Respect -TOMP

2009-06-10T21:20:00.005-04:00

You know who constantly gets shat on for seemingly no reason other than success? Stan Van Gundy. That's right, the guy who looks like Ron Jeremy and dresses like he should be in Miami Vice (speaking of which, I can't believe I found an image of him in a shirt & tie. Crazy, right?).

Currently on Disney.co... I mean, ESPN.com, there is a Sports Nation poll questioning whether SVG is actually an asset in coaching his team. I'm happy to say, that 80% of America thinks he is, but why is this such a frequent question?

I've watched SVG take the reigns on two different teams, and with each one, he's brought them from zero to super hero. Literally. How often do you coach two different teams highlighted by the fact that their budding super stars are dubbed as super humans (Flash & Superman)? Not a whole lot. Both teams were very different from one another when SVG decided to impose his will, lets travel back in time...

The Heat. Pre-Shaq. Remember those guys? Super underrated team in the last decade that could have made a real splash if they gave it one more year. Rafer Alston, Dwyane Wade, Caron Butler, Lamar 'The Candy Man' Odom and Brian Grant. You know what that sounds like to me? A winning combination. Also, keep in mind that this was while Alonzo Mourning was getting a kidney transfer from his own cousin, these guys had all the pieces. Maybe Alston was a little too And 1-ish at this time, but you had three guys capable of playing 3-4 different spots on the court with Wade, Butler and Odom. Plus, a decent center who could get you boards in Grant.

So, SVG brings these guys to the playoffs, which was impressive in its' own right (despite being in the Eastern Conference), and surprised the crap out of the Hornets, who had the LA Clippers version of Baron Davis. Big time play, aspiring players and a lot of potential. So, you'd think that they'd have a shot of doing even more the next year, right?

Wrong, Motha' Fucka'. Just ask Pat Riley.

Pat decides that these guys all blows ass, and options to trade, oh, like, 7 players to LA to acquire Shaq. Now imagine being SVG. You've just impressed the entire league by coming onto the scene, but instead of working to add 1 or 2 more pieces to a competent team, your boss decides to fire them all and bring in the Closer, and I'm not talking about Kevin Bacon's wife.

So, here's what your left with. Shaq & Wade. Ok, they're amazing, no argument there, but look at everyone else. This easily could have been the Cavs for the last 5 years with guys like Haslem, James Posey, a 40 year old Gary Payton, a defensively inept Jason Williams and 1 good kidney Alonzo Mourning.

SVG's like, alright, "Time to take care of business." Busts through the regular season without breaking a sweat, and gets all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals. Now, mind you, he's made an improvement on last year's team with a much better Wade and an overweight Diesel, that looks ready to tip over. They lose to the 'Stons, who go on to lose in 7 to the Spurs in the Finals. Wow, that sounds like some serious top talent that the Heat went up against.

Wrong, again. Pat's got something else to say.

The bastard just fires Van Gundy, coaches the team, and they win the luckiest title in the history of time, being like one of 3 teams to come back from an 0-2 deficit with a little help from Tim Donaghy.

So, did Pat Riley really do anything so surprising? The literal difference here is he won one more game than SVG, beating the 'Stons in 6. Shocker? Not really, Wade played out of his mind.

Now, SVG is out on the street, and the Magic are thinking about hiring Billy Donovan, but he chicken shits his pants and scrams, leaving the Magic to "settle" with SVG. What happens? Well, the team starts to improve, with the #1 pick in Dwight Howard, and they make it to the playoffs, only to get beat out by the 'Stons.

What does management do? Do they trade the entire team for Kobe Bryant? Nope, they decided to add a few key pieces with guys like Turkgolu and Pietrus, and do even better. Make it to the second round, only to lose the 'Stons again. Well, shit. SVG must blow, right? His team improves again, time to can the guy. Oh, wait, the Magic have some sense, make an absurd deal for the free agent, Rashard Lewis (which doesn't seem so nutty right now, does it?) and look what the team does. They get the 3 seed in the playoffs, and improve once again making it to the Eastern Conference Finals to meet up with the Cavs.

Here's where the story takes another turn, as Shaq (I'm fat and suck) O'Neal decides to call out SVG for crumbling into a pile during crunch time. Well, I saw SVG bitch slap the fuck out of the LeBrons, do the unthinkable and make the NBA Finals.

But still. It's not enough. Is SVG really the man for the job? Why do they shoot so many threes? Is Rashard Lewis' goatee real? Does SVG really have a 14 inch dong? It's gotten to the point where its borderline unreasonable to question the dude. Face the fact that Howard is nowhere near the superstar that Wade became (the year after SVG got canned) as a top 5 baller, and he's surrounded by 3-4 three point shooters at a time. That's how the team works. I know it's odd, and sounds like the plan for a Villanova like NCAA squad (who made the elite 8, which I was there to see. WITNESS), but shit, this isn't how things worked in Miami. Remember the Heat?The only guy who could shoot a consistent three ball on that team was James Posey.

You don't have to think that SVG is a great coach, but just look what he's done over his last 5 years of head coaching experience. Is that not EXACTLY what you want out of a new coach? He may get batty on the sideline, but this Magic team could easily be up 2-1 right now, and the series still has two straight games left. I know it's a long shot, and that there have only been two teams to win all three of those Finals home games in a row... Shit, who were they...???

Oh, that's right, the '04 'Stons and the '06 Heat.

Shit comes full circle like that, don't you love it?

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

The PGA & WTA Just Had Simultaneous Orgasms -TOMP

2009-06-07T21:11:00.002-04:00

In case you missed it, Tiger Woods & Roger Federer decided to turn on their games and dominate their sports. Since tennis for Europeans, we'll go on to golf. Tiger decided a final day comeback would be the best approach coming into next week's U.S. Open, and freaked the fuck out of Jimmy Furyk, Davis Love III and Jonny Byrd. 7 under with a 65. Wow. Put your O-Face's on, because that was sensational. You know who hit every big putt/shot they needed to? Tiger. You know who all blew lead opportunities after the 14th hole? Jimmy, Davis & Jonny. They got fucking tiger slapped.

An additional shout-out to Davis Love for shitting his pants on national television. An 8 on 16? Really? Are you kidding me? I could get an 8.

Good to see Tiger with his mo-jo going into next week's major at Bethpage. Lets hope its just as competitive as the Memorial.

Last Women Standing!- BG

2009-06-01T10:54:00.005-04:00

Here at The Dome Factor one of the things we pride ourselves on, is our ability to reach out and lend a hand to those in need. That said, one of our loyal followers approached us and asked if we would help get his girlfriend Lisa, on the right, elected into the coveted last remaining spot for the Washington Wizards dance team. In return, if she was elected, all we asked for were C's and Pistons tickets when they play the Wiz at the Verizon Center. If things go really well there is a possibility of a night on the town with the whole dance team and Deshawn Stevenson, but negotiations are still in progress. So CLICK HERE and VOTE FOR LISA!

"And Vanessa Hudgens, who stared in a brave documentary about an all gay high school!" - Andy Samberg

A Hat Fit for a King!- BG

2009-05-27T08:41:00.003-04:00

I know that are racing fanbase on this website is probably non-existent (Except for our fantasy NASCAR league, which I am currently dominating). Anyway, my father went to the Indy 500 last weekend and was sitting in Richard "The King" Petty's luxury palace for the race. He called it a "lifetime experience". Whether you like racing or not, going to the Indy 500 with a police escort to your seat would be pretty sweet....Talk about a sharp dressed man!

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!" - Brennan Huff

YES!

2009-05-26T23:46:00.003-04:00

Oh, man. So close to a Magic upset. Lovin' it.

There's Magic In The Air -TOMP

2009-05-26T19:42:00.006-04:00

If there's one thing I've learned during the playoffs, it's that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sure, the Cavs ended up as the number 1 seed and breezed their way through the first two rounds, and made it 8-0 to the conference finals. This is the same team it has been with the addition of a streaky shooter who's super shaky in the playoffs. The way I see it, the lack of experience on Mo Williams' side combined with the absolute crap on the rest of the roster equals another early exit for The LeBrons.

It's still a one man show, you have to look at the respectively. Lets go down the line:

Mo Williams-So, he showed some potential early on in the season. Who cares? Its crunch time, bi-atch. Bottom line, you've been dryer than Connecticut on a Sunday. Plus, huge cry baby. Remember the All-Star break? MO WILLIAMS WANTS IN!!! PICK ME, PICK ME!!!! Yeah, how'd that turn out? He was like the 7th reserve. Douchebag.
Daniel Gibson-Remember when this guy was nearly starting at point guard for the Cavs? What happened? Oh, yeah, he's only 6'1 and has the same shot selection as J.J. Reddick. Another lost cause.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas-A seven footer who averages 12 & 7. Not bad, except he plays 35 minutes a game and plays defense like a Brad Miller/Miki Moore hybrid.
Anderson Varejao-Remember Ilgauskas? Now imagine the exact opposite. Short, annoying, offensively inept and has a big head of hair. I've seen kids from BC who are less obnoxious.
Ben Wallace-he was good four years ago. He misses the other Wallace playing beside him. Remember how Larry Brown tried to turn him into an offensive threat? There's a reason they don't try that anymore.
Sasha Pavlovic-Remember how you're paying this guy $5 million? He's averaging four points a game. Will Bynum doubled that.
Wally Szczerbiak-Remember all those T-Wolves teams with KG that could never get over the hump? Wally was starting. Who knew $14 million could buy you seven points in a basketball game? I bet, the 'Make A Wish' Foundation doesn't call very often.

Look at those guys. There is no way this team is fit to $have a center with two pairs of shoulders.

Bottom line is the Magic have a good feel for the series and Cavs just aren't as good as you thought. Here's looking forward to the Magic in the Finals. Woo-Wee!

"Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, 'The Whale,' they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."

Well, There's Always Next Year -TOMP

2009-05-18T18:25:00.003-04:00

Bad news. Boston got bitch slapped this weekend. Ego took a severe blow. Will they recover? No telling till October, where hey, did you hear? World Series games will be starting 40 minutes earlier.

Whoop-ee!!! Yet, another reason to feel like I'm already 40.

Anyway, good time to keep your head up. Two game 7s might have resulted in utter disappointment, but there's a another Number 7 on it tonight. No, not a single game, but an entire day. A day that has felt like months. Of course, it's the season 7 finale of 24. America's bad ass love child.

Try not to frown, say anything to BG and get ready for the Lakers to sweep the LeBrons.

"In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl." -Jackie Moon

The Rush Is Over -TOMP

2009-05-16T10:58:00.002-04:00

Well, bad news everybody. After the greatest two month stint of the year, we have officially reached the baseball zone. Stated as being America's Past Time, baseball ultimately proves that hitting a ball a third of the time, playing 150+ games and taking performance enhancing vitamins are all you really need to be successful in life. I'm not sure what it is, but I really can't take this nonsense for 7 months of the year.

The summer is a great season, unless its a Tuesday night, you don't have a 3 month vacation and you have to deal with 2-3 guys trying to make small chat while they wait 45 seconds between pitches. Baseball ultimately tests fans patience more than anything. How is one supposed to get totally jacked up about a match up likes the Red Sox & Orioles in the middle of June when the game will probably mean nothing at the end.

I always hear people sandbagging the NBA because it doesn't look like the players are trying at all times during their 82 game season. I just did some research, and baseball has double that number of games with half the total number of teams making the playoffs for that championship hunt. It bewilders me to think that all of these teams play this many games during a season with little or no shot of even getting to the post season. Oh, and it turns out baseball hasn't gotten with the times and thinks its jussssst fine not to have a salary cap. This leads to a whopping number of 5 teams with an actual shot to win the "World" Series trophy, while the rest stumble around and work to get a minimal amount of fans into their small market stadium at 3 o'clock on a Wednesday. Did I mention that Bud Selig is the highest paid commissioner in all of sports? That's right, the guy who is in charge of the least competitive major league, with the most amount of games, fewest number of playoff teams and full of guys who take drugs to get an edge, is the HIGHEST paid leader in professional sports in America. Did I mention that there's not a salary cap?

Hasn't all of the tradition really been lost at this point? We've seen more records smashed in the last decade then in the previous 40 years. The performance ehancing drugs (while not really a huge deal in my mind, I mean, chicks dig the long ball, right?) have been shown to be evident across the majority of players from bench warmers to superstars. When it gets to the point when you have to listen to Pete Rose's gibber jabber about how what's going on right now is worse than anything he ever did, you start to get tired of the whole ordeal.

I suppose its hard for me to buy into my own beliefs, as I'm not too into the sport itself. I can't imagine what fans are actually thinking. We hear about the occasional NFL player getting busted covering his urine tract, or juicin' it up, Lights Out style, but its never on the level like we keep seeing in the MLB. I mean, this is full on cheating to the maximum degree, isn't it?

I'm not even sure how to react. We've been trained for so long by the media on how to respond to different degrees of immoral action. If the the same number of guys were involved in point shaving, we'd be a lot more pissed off, right? It would make sense to not compare these two happenings as in the prior scenario with the juice, everyone is still trying to the maximum extent of their ability (presumably). When we see TO jaggin' off, we're supposed to be pissed. When Lance Armstrong is winning the Tour or trying to be set up for doping, we feel truly American and want to kick the shit out of the French even more. When Tom Brady pops up, bromance kicks in. It's natural at this point. We've been conditioned, maaaaaannnnn.

I need to stop watching all those 70s conspiracy flicks....

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Baitin' the Hook, Tryin to Catch the Big One!- BG

2009-05-13T14:20:00.004-04:00

Today The Dome Factor took another step towards the top. Upon reading this article by Luke DeCock (yes, that is Luke of Cock, but he was a good guy), I felt compelled to e-mail him and negate the impression that Boston College has anything to do with Boston fans. Below is the e-mail I sent and his response:

Luke,

First let me start off by saying, I am a Boston fan. Bs, Cs, Pats, and Sox. I actually agree with you, he shouldn't have called the fans "goobers". I don't even get it. But please don't make the mistake of thinking that anybody in Boston likes the Curly Haired Boyfriend a.k.a Dan Shaughnessy. His opinions are invalid and no athlete in this town will even talk to him. Although Boston fans can be insufferable, Dan Shaughnessy has nothing to do with it.

Lastly, please do not associate BC with Boston fans. The vast majority of Boston fans hate Boston College. We hate everything about the school. Any time another ACC team plays BC in any sport, no one roots for BC. So you can write columns about hating Boston fans, but don't bring BC into it. It doesn't hold water. Of course, you can write whatever you want, just wanted to pass some knowledge along.

-BG

His Response:

Of all the emails I've gotten from Boston fans, that is by far the most reasonable, thoughtful and to the point. You make a good point about BC in general, but in all the hubbub surrounding BC's move to the ACC, which did get some city-wide attention, there was none of this redneck business. It seems like it takes hockey to bring it out.

Thanks for the note,
-- Luke

Now the response was nothing big, but it was the first writer that I have e-mailed, that has gotten back to me. I know it's Raleigh, North Carolina, but I thought it was a small bite on the fishing pole of life. Write that down.

"Everytime you touch the ice remember, it was Hans who taught us to fly."- Gordon Bombay

Let's Bring it Back Home!- BG

2009-05-12T14:32:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am nervous about tonight's game. Shittin down my leg a little actually. But fuck it! Let's beat the piss out of these cheap shot, inferior, tropical storm pussies. Sorry Carolina, this isn't New Orleans, this is Boston, we know how to beat Hurricanes.

Elisha Cuthbert: Please Don't View This. Please.

2009-05-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

Um.... We thought it was funny? Yes, my obsession with '24' has gone too far.

Let Me Break Down The Cs, Magic For Ya' (Pt. 2 of 2) -TOMP

2009-05-09T15:36:00.003-04:00

Well, after witnessing yet another lopsided affair, I believe I have come across the root of the Celtics problems with dismantling the Orlando (not so) Magic.

While I'm sorry to do this, it's time to throw Scal under the bus. Look, you know you're in trouble when your #1 big man off the bench is a 6'9 white guy from Southern Cal. We can all agree, that's a given. But when its a guy who was on the championship team from the previous year and got to play exactly zero minutes without even being injured, you're really in for a rocky road.

I know he's all they got left after Powe messed up his knee, and I know he's been playing his ass off, particularly on the defensive side of the ball, but when you shoot threes like Rajon Rondo and play post defense like Chris Webber, you're looking at a point night with probably 5 boards and 5 fouls in about 20 minutes of action. That's pretty tough action to watch. I guess it should be mentioned that Scal did have the 5th highest salary on the team coming into the year. Note, that Starbury's doesn't count because the Knicks are paying it and well, frankly, it's just hard to believe Mikki Moore is making that kind of dough for fouling people in 7 minutes of action.

Bottom line is that it's just tough to win without a #1 big man on the court, and it's even tougher when you have to play against Dwight Howard. I'm not really sure there are any moves the Cs can pull here to get things together. Really, it seems like the only way Boston pulls this one out is to have Allen (not Tony) & Pierce drop at least 30 a piece. Everyone seems very much hot or not, which just does not bode well.

Chuck Daly dying is just another slap on the face for the 2009 Pistons. I'm pretty sure outside of a first degree murder, that things could not possibly go any worse.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

I Hope It Never Ends -TOMP

2009-05-08T19:00:00.003-04:00

Well, just when you thought it was over. It has only just begun. Personally, I think Brett Favre is an all American Hero whose face should be on Mount Rushmore. Clearly, the rest of American sports fans have an opposite opinion on this, so ladies & gentlemen, this one's for you.

Yes, these images are the new trend of the week. Enjoy.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Did You Hear About Some Home Runs In Yankee Stadium Or Something?

2009-05-08T18:39:00.003-04:00

Congrats. You've built a home run derby park. That's a significant upgrade to the batting cages under Fenway at Game On.

Let Me Break Down The Cs, Magic For Ya' (Pt. 1 of 2) -TOMP

2009-05-08T18:24:00.007-04:00

So, what exactly is going on between Orlando & Boston. A baller series between the 2 & 3 seeds in the east, each game with very different outcomes. I'm going to take this argument from both sides of the ball, so get ready for some fair play.

Now, we saw Orlando totally dominate in game 1, only to blow a 28 point lead and let Ray Ray and the rest of Celtics make a dramatic comeback. Rafer Alston has been kicking ass and taking names at the point guard spot, D.Howard has been wetting his diaper/distributing punishment like its nobody's business and JJ Redick is starting at SG for the....

Wait a second.

JJ Redick?

That douchebag from Duke?

Unfortunately, the very one (pictured above). Before I go any deeper into this, there are four things I really, really hate.

1.) Ohio State Football

2.) Notre Dame Football

3.) Duke Basketball

4.) My Roommate, Dan

Three of these, I don't have any substantial ground for disliking other than the fact that my ego is the size of the Hindenburg (Note: It crashes and burns as well). You can really fill in any reason you like for me disliking the most commonly hated NCAA D1 bball team in the nation, and really I'll go along with it. I just hate Duke, thats the way it is. JJ Redick is no exception to this and I hate him probably more then I've hated any other athlete in my life.

There's just something about a cocky douchebag who can only shoot three pointers and free throws that tells me you're really not looking at a solid future in the NBA. Apparently, JJ disagrees with me on this one, requesting numerous times to be traded from Orlando so he could score some more PT. I hate to break it to you JJ, but the league might not be ready for the third or fourth coming of Steve Kerr.

What really must grind his gears is the fact that the Magic drafted a shooting guard this year in Courtney Lee, who went to the small hilltopping school of Western Kentucky. No harm there, right JJ? Oh, except for the fact that he won the starting spot over you. That's gotta hurt. Anywho, Courtney fell prone to the flailing elbows of Dwight "I Will Rape You Behind A Middle School" Howard, and has a broken sinus.

Enter the JJ Zone:

I'll admit, the three straight tres that JJ dropped in game 2 were impressive, but what you saw was Redick's highlight reel. So, lets not take too much consideration into this. I hate to break it to you Orlando, but the last team to win a series with a white dude starting at shooting guard was probably the Kings with Doug "House Arrest" Christie. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

With Lee returning tonight and JJ sitting back where he appropriately belongs, on the bench, I'm not really sure what to expect from game 3 tonight. One things for sure, we will not see the game 2 steam roll that the green laid on, and they better watch their asses tonight.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Our House! - BG

2009-05-07T09:44:00.010-04:00

11-14, 4-4 from downtown, to total 31 points. Eddie House set the Garden on fire last night! He was more wide open than your average 21 year old sorority girl. The most impressive stat in my mind was that he was 7-10 from inside the three point line. Now we all know that Eddie gets more excited than a priest at Sunday school when he hits a three pointer. I would like to thank Rafer Alston for not being able to A) play defense on a guy who cannot create his own shot and B) not being able to handle Eddie's excitement, slapping him upside the head, drawing a double technical and most likely a front row seat on his couch for game 3. My only concern was this: 16 min, 1-4, 3 points, 4 fouls. If you saw that stat line, you would have bet your own kids that was Mikki Moore, no. That was Paul Pierce's stat line. People are saying "Oh, it's good for him to get some rest." Not me, I am a little more concerned with that. I hope I'm wrong.

(Side Note: Reggie Miller confirmed what I have been saying ever since Scal dawned that absurdly large white headband. He looks like (and his teammates call him) Jackie Moon from Semi-Pro. The parallel is undeniable. Watching Scal and Turkoglu guard eachother is high comedy because it is so much slower than any other matchup on the court. It's like watching old people fuck (from what I've heard...). I wonder if it's because they are both white? Let's just hope Jackie isn't playing 35 minutes a game for the rest of the series.)

The B's dropped their second straight last night in OT. They got a lucky goal early and a lucky goal late to tie the game. The last two games, they looked uninspired and lack luster at best. I do not know what they expected from this Carolina team, but the 'Canes are a battle tested, cup winning group. Their backs are against the wall now, hopefully they will get a win on Friday night to regain home ice. The biggest problem for the Bruins right now, is that they are not controlling the puck well. They are turning the puck over in their own zone too often and when they are on the break, the puck hops off someones stick and the momentum is gone. The other issue I have about this series is that these teams seem like best friends. I keep expecting the Bruins to go over and pat the 'Canes player on the back after they score. "Nice job, man, you beat me on that one, good goal." I really hope that on Friday night one player from either team, pops someone in the mouth to get the physicality and nastinest started.

Before I sign off, I want to issue an apology to Alex Rodriquez. No hell is not frozen, I check with the devil daily, it's hot as shit down there, it's just a deserved apology. I should have done my homework and found out exactly who this bitch was. Then it dawned on me, I knew all along. This is the same broad who slammed the Duke Lacrosse team and accused them of raping a black stripper. Now we all know how that turned out, but it looks like Selena has done it again. (I have not read the book yet) Apparently the book is filled with he said, she said, annonymous sources. All that stuff about taking steroids in high school? Annonymous source. A-Rod tipping pitches? Annonymous source. A-Rod taking HGH with the Yankees? Someone close to the team. This isn't suppose to be US Weekly, Selena.

Sounds like this book has about as much credibility as a Jenna Haze abstinence seminar. So eventhough I still think that these allegations are possible, I apologize to A-Rod for jumping to conclusions. The book is so pretentious and mis-leading that no one is buying it, #64 on the Bestseller list. She should be sued for libel or slander and I bet she will. Selena Roberts would probably write obituaries for people who hadn't even died yet.

Anyway, back to work. I'm done. Sorry for the lack of posts. Things are now back on track.

"Fuck Land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucka!"

This is Alex. Alex had Bitch Tits- BG

2009-04-30T14:00:00.008-04:00

Yet another story in the Alex Rodriquez soap opera, that is like General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, and All My Children combined. It is not the fact that A-Rod has been taking steroids since high school, that is not surprising. In fact, kids took steroids in my high school and I am a white catholic kid from Massachusetts. Not a Dominican kid who played high school ball in Miami with a Steroid dealing "cousin". He had much easier access. It's not the fact that he has been tipping pitches to other hitters all his life. I know for a fact that Dominicans tip pitches to other Dominicans at bat all the time. See Tejada, Miguel. He was caught while playing for the A's and caused an uproar in the clubhouse. And of course, NO SHIT HE TOOK STEROIDS PLAYING FOR THE YANKEES! Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi, and Sheffield were all in the same clubhouse. Taking Steroids in the Yankees clubhouse was as common as rubbing icy hot on your nuts and snorting like a bull, minutes before your starts...oh wait, that was just Clemens, but you get the point. It was second nature.

The A-Rod soap, got more interesting because like Robert Paulson above (if you haven't seen Fight Club, I'm sorry), Alex has bitch tits. His 2004 teammates were so kind that they actually gave him the nickname "Bitch Tits" because "he developed a large round pectoral condition, that is caused by anabolic steroids." If I were A-Rod, I would hire a hitman to take out Selena Roberts, steal the copies of her book, and hold the largest book burning since Hitler ruled Germany. Or don't and wait for this to become the best selling book of all time. His choice.

"Fuck land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucka."

It's Over People -TOMP

2009-04-29T23:23:00.005-04:00

It really looks like KG has reached his brink at this point. Begging not to have to stay out and watch the game on the bench, he sincerlly felt the need to be away from his in hopes that his uh... passionate attitude would not effect the C's play on the floor.

Well, five games into the series, it has become clear that KG is still the most energetic being on the court. The man is literally screaming at every which minute is deemed possible. Frankly, it has gotten scary how the most volatile man on the court is not playing a single minute in the game.

If KG's attitude is kept up on the road, good luck to the Bulls to even work off a good game 6. In my mind this series has been over from the get go, but Paul Pierce just turned on the switch which was delaying them overall.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Know Your Role...AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!- BG

2009-04-29T09:51:00.006-04:00

Hey Bradley! This is what you get for setting 3 rolling picks and forcing Ray Allen's 6 foul on the same play and then laughing about it all the way down the floor. Payback is a bitch. Stop blaming the litte boo-boo on your lip for the reason you choked. You shot 80% for the year from the line and you choked. Rondo just wanted to wipe that shit eating grin off your face and it worked. Just be thankful it was Rondo taking you out and not KG after the game because if it was KG you wouldn't have to worry about your head hurting... because you probably wouldn't have one.

What the fuck is going on in Washington?- BG

2009-04-28T14:57:00.005-04:00

I know a lot of you saw this yesterday and when I first saw it, I thought it was a joke. I thought that another plane hit a flock of fucking seagulls and went off track. But no, this was a designed fly over or NEW YORK CITY by the White House Military Douche Bag. I know this is mainly a sports website, but I had to address this. Now Barack "The Messiah" Obama says that he is just as furious as anyone. Listen Barry, I have seen enough 24 episodes to know that when something comes from the White House, they do anything they can to shelter the President from blame. All so he can save face with the American public. Apparently Barry, the media whore, needed some snazy, sexy new pics of Air Force One flying around in the sky. Next time you choose to take jerk off pics of your plane, try not to come within 500 feet of the Statue of Liberty with F16s trailing close behind. Or try not to fly over a city in which, eight years ago, two planes were hijacked, knocked down two of the most recognized buildings in the world, killed thousands of people, and started a war on three fronts.

"Fuck Land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucka!"

Some Trade -TOMP

2009-04-27T22:27:00.005-04:00

FML

The Road To Round Two -TOMP

2009-04-27T19:49:00.005-04:00

The last shot the C's have is going to have to start in Boston tomorrow night. Paul Pierce has looked like MJ playing for the Wizards, Perk/Baby/Scal combined together as 1 big man are about as effective as Erik Dampier and the only two ballers holding the green together are Ragin' Rondo & Old Man Allen. No clue how this one is gonna shake out, but one thing's for sure, lose tomorrow night and go to Chicago to roll over and die.

It's not so much that I think the Celtics are screwed, its more like Billy Haywood near the end of Little Big League, when he realized that he became a self absorbed loser who his friends hated as did the entire Twins team he was managing. Once he pulled his head out of ass, he pulled the team together, won his friends back, hooked his mom up with the team's best player and had it all going for him.

Then Randy Johnson kicked some ass.

Its going to be a slippery slope, keep an eye out.

"If bad accents won oscars, then Kevin Costner would be a multi-time winner."

TOMP Beat of the Week: "Time of Your Song" -Matisyahu

ESPN.com Is The Most Confusing Thing Ever -TOMP

2009-04-26T21:04:00.010-04:00

Ok, let me get this straight. ESPN can't post any curse words, can't make themselves cool and are over produced to the most extreme possibility, but they can post web ads on their pages of slutty milfs pounding their humps in your face when you're trying to check the NHL scores? What the hell?

Now, it's not that I have a problem with this. It's the edgiest thing I've seen ESPN do since they let Max Kellerman go to FSN and die with iMax (Cute, right?).

Just note that this is the same station that fired Harold Reynolds for poppin' in NRB when he hugged a co-worker. Please. Prove to me that he didn't have that thing rockin' before the contact happened. What's the man to do? Anyway, I'm just hoping ESPN continues to get more smutty.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Can You Think Of Anything More Misleading?

2009-04-26T20:25:00.004-04:00

"If he was a girl I'd blast him the face as punishment, and eat nothing but hot sauce for a week (before)."

-Anonymous

Well, It Was Fun -TOMP

2009-04-26T19:33:00.005-04:00

"Yeah, Tony. I feel the same way about the 'Stons '08-'09 season."

After nearly a decade of dominance, the Pistons are officially dead in the water.

We got to witness a great growth of a team. It started with the big trade of Stackhouse that ended up bringing Rip Hamilton & Ben Wallace to Motown. Then Chauncey Billups woke up and and realized he was fucking amazing. Following that, we got Rick Carlisle's letter of resignation with the 'Stons (down 2-0 at the time to T-Mac & the Magic) when Tayshaun Prince exploded onto the scene, and drove the team to victory. The cherry on top was the 2004 trade for one of the most dynamic players in the league, with Rasheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Waaaaaaaaaaallace.

A championship followed that year, and a hell of an effort in the seasons to follow.

Sadly, now, those times are all but gone. Following a pummeling from the Cavaliers, the Pistons as we know them are now a distant memory. 'Sheeds aging and a free agent following the sweep. Ben blew his load early and never developed an offensive game. I think Chauncey got traded, but I'd have to check on that. Rip & Tayshaun are still going to be around, but with the undersized, no real designated position players that are around them, I don't have much hope for the '09-'10 season.

Frankly, the season was dead in the water months ago, and there was really no hope left. I guess the most optimistic POV is to hope that LBJ gets extorted and signs with the 'Stons for a low sum of money.

Of course, I'd settle for a league wide Nancy Kerrigan'ing, but I'm not too optimistic.

Sucks seeing things like this unravel... but that's the game.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Evenflow" -Pearl Jam

Long Weekend -TOMP

2009-04-26T18:54:00.007-04:00

So, what you're looking at here is the sole reason that I spent an entire weekend chauffeuring my mom around town as opposed to going the simpler root and using public transportation. Earlier this week the MBTA released these lovely ads emphasizing that the creepy, smelly homeless guy standing next to you on the T, actually wants to cup a feel and in all likely hood, slip you a Silly Willy (Definition #2). Frankly, it's disturbing, and has really turned me off to the idea of riding the T if I were ever to have some sort of epiphany, where I realized, that I'm truly a woman in a man's body, and decide to have the dong removal surgery.

In other news: I hate driving around downtown, want to kill numerous children, can't understand why people walk in the street, hate getting the finger for crossing the street when I have a green light, wanted to kill some kids, fucking hate the traffic in Harvard Square and can totally justify anyone who decides to flip out and go GTA on society.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

No Wonder The Bulls Have Tied The Series. Look Who Their Center Is. -TOMP

2009-04-26T18:38:00.006-04:00

So, as it turns out, the Bulls have a lot of fight in them. Go figure. I haven't seen a team constructed of 80% hustle players get this much action since the Timberlane Regional Owls. Of course, this can all be explained rather easily. The Bulls clearly signed Tony Almeida to be the dominant X-Factor in their quest to make a splash in the 2009 NBA playoffs. My only question, is when the entire Bulls organization turns against him, realizing he's backstabbing ass who's played more sides of the ball than Troy Brown in 2006.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Bruins-Frogs Preview! Drop Those Gloves!- BG

2009-04-15T18:57:00.026-04:00

There were many Bruins fights and power moments this year, but that was hands down my favorite. For those of you who did not watch the Bruins or the first round playoff series last year, Milan Lucic and Mike Komisarek went from occasional rivals to wishing they could run a hockey stick through eachothers hearts, Steve Irwin style. I mean, it got nasty. The only issue was that they never fought because they were both too valuable to their teams in the playoffs to be off the ice for 5 minutes (possibly more). Well in their second meeting, first B's home game, Milan Lucic finally got his wish and beat the fuck out of that Canadian Fraud (Actually Komisarek is from NY and Lucic is from Vancouver, but THAT ISN'T MY POINT!! Milan plays for Boston now!). What that video didn't show is that Komisarek was out a month after that with a shoulder injury. The Bruins won that game 6-1 and never lost again this season to the Frogs. The regular season for these two culminated in a game that closely resembled the Battle of Antietam. It was by far the cheapest game with the most penalty minutes and from what I hear from my father, mostly resembled the old B's-Frogs games. I expect nothing less in this series. So to start off, I'm going to break it down for you, and tell you how the Bruins will finally get off the schneid.

Offense: The Bruins were second on the year in the entire NHL in 5 on 5 scoring. This stems from three legitimate scoring lines, led by the first line of Phil Kessel, Marc Savard, and the other day in practice it was crafty vet, P.J. Axelsson, on the left wing. The left wing has been a rotating position on this first line, Kobasew and Lucic have also spent time up there. Either way, when the Kessel/Savard line comes out, the Frogs will be retreating quicker than they did when Hitler invaded Paris. The other two lines have been shuffled around throughout the year, brilliantly by Claude Julien. Right now it looks like Bergeron (more on him in a moment) and the unsung hero David Krejci will be centering the lines, with Ryder, Wheeler, Lucic, Recchi, Kobasew, and "Sweet Revenge" Michael Ryder on the wings. The Canadiens do not have nearly the offensive depth that the Bruins do and simply because their best offensive player, Alexi Kovalev, looks like the Prince from Shrek, the Bruins get the nod. Edge: Bruins.

Defense: Let me start by saying Zdeno Chara deserves the Norris this year. You really cannot ask more or expect more from a Captain than Zdeno Chara. The only way to describe Zdeno, is to use this gem from Jack Bauer, "The only purpose for RP 7 rocket fuel, is to fire missiles!" Zdeno has been running on rocket fuel and firing missiles all season long. He leads the team in minutes and is second in shots on goal. These are not just shots, as Jack points out, these are 105 mph missiles. Chara has been playing with veteran Aaron Ward. Wideman, rookie Matt Hunwick, Shane "The Sheriff" Hnidy, and Mark Stuart round out the B's defensive core. On the other side the French Frauds might be playing without their best defenseman Andrei Markov. Markov is also their second leading scorer. Mike Komisarek will have to do more than pick on the smallest players on the ice to stop the Bruins attack. It will not be enough Major Edge: Bruins

Goaltenders: Tim Thomas leads the league with a 2.1 GAA and Carey Price is 31st in the league with a 2.83 GAA. There really is not a need to compare the two. Tim Thomas is just that much better. This is like comparing who is a bigger whore, Britney Spears or Mother Theresa. Enough said. Major Edge: Bruins

Special Teams: Here is where the Frogs can have their day and I will tell you why. The Bruins are far and away the better power play team (23.6% vs 19.2) and their penalty killing is equal at 82.4%. The reason the Frogs can have their day is because they are a team full of antagonist pussies. They slash, cheap shot, rabbit punch, and then when it comes time to face the music they hit the ice quicker than a fat kid at an all-you-can-eat buffet. They lead the league in diving penalties. If they announce your name for a diving penalty, they might as well say "#27, 2 minutes, for lack of balls." Anyway, this Canadian team can get under the Bruins skin because the Bruins are tougher and more physical and they have balls. If you don't believe me watch LaPierre, Latendresse, or either of the KGB Kostitsyn brothers during this series. It is a pathetic sight. Edge: Push

X-Factors: For the Bruins its Patrice Bergeron and Mark Recchi. Bergeron's game is rounding in to form and has finally started to show signs of pre-"I almost broke my neck and died" Bergey. The game winner last Thursday against Montreal, where he flattened the Hab defenseman, stole the puck, and then fed fellow X-Factor Mark Recchi for the winner, was all the proof you need. Mark Recchi is an X-Factor because he has been here before and has been crucial leading up to the playoffs after being acquired at the trade deadline. When the Bruins were struggling towards the middle of the year, Recchi's arrival applied some stabilization to this team. They are going to need that leadership if this thing starts to go goes south. For the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, the X-Factors are Matheiu Schneider and their Vaginas. These two go hand in hand because Matthieu Schneider has really given the Frogs a huge boost on the power play, since being acquired in February. If their Vaginas start hurting during this series and the Bruins get caught up in a cheap shot, penalty-fest, the Habs can pick up a few power play tallies and change the game in a hurry. Just like last Thursday's game. I am not as worried because the B's are a fairly disciplined team and if you don't think Claude Julien has promised that the wrath of God will come down on them if they take stupid penalties, you are kidding yourself. Edge: Slight edge B's, but slight.

I would really like the B's to take this one in five, at home in the garden, but something tells me that is not going to happen. Maybe it is because I am a natural pessimist, but I am going with B's in six. This way they will close it out in Montreal and put away the ghosts of playoffs past.

"Fuck land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucker"

When I Turn Around, Will You Please Pull The Knife Out Of My Back? -TOMP

2009-04-13T18:56:00.011-04:00

Fuck Yes,You Betrayed me

Be prepared. What you're looking at are two, soon-to-be NBA players. Why two and not three, you ask? We'd have to go with option A. Where only one of these three gentlemen is ready to make the jump to the Baller association. J.Flynn has got sick handle, a wicked cross-over and mean dribble/drive, but he's a little under six feet tall and he's the potential lottery lock! To examine the mistake that Eric 'The Pride of the Tri-City Area" Devendorf & "Do It All" Paul Harris are making, we have to take a look at where they're coming from.

Devendorf: Boatload of tats, a semi woman-beater, a whole lot of class and a personality that would make Malibu's Most Wanted proud. Yup, a true winner. Plays defense on level with the effort that Allen Iverson brings to the table, sans the three steals a game. Has had about the same effect on the NCAA game (especially the defensive side) as Rashard McCants. Pretty sure he was best known for dating a socialite (super slam spoiled bitch) who may or may not have had some work done (ask any male member of the Syracuse 2008 graduating class for an update). Oh, wait he's a dad. How's that one working out?

Harris: This guy had more potential than... well... uh.... any other overhyped baller who couldn't shoot a jump shot or come through in the clutch (see BG and X number of lay-ups missed in multi-OT game vs. UConn). It has really been a shame to see him come up so flat for this length. Its really wild how players like Harris boast so much potential and skill, when really that definition turns out to be a guy that no one can coach, because he believes he can take over a game on his own since everyone has been telling him his entire life that's what he was raised to do. It commits an unfair amount of potential to a guy, and its sad to see when thats still being exploited (can you tell which one I'm talking about?) in hopes of unlimited potential down the line. Oh, wait. He knocked a girl up too. Ugh.... Oh, Hey; Did I say 'potential?'

In the end, this is truly just discouraging to see. Harris & Devendorf could really improve their overall games by staying for that last year. The turmoil of potential injury is an overwhelming factor in this decision for both of them I'm sure. Especially with E.D. who really hasn't been as much of a slasher this year from the torn ACL.

Bottom Line: This blows, but good luck to all three.

In other sporting news Tiger Woods & Phil "Vertical Stripes" Mickelson put on one of the most impressingly useless shoot outs in golf history. The two were going at each others throats and couldn't even manage to place higher than fifth. They were both dead set on going balls to the wall on one of the most astonishing days during the PGA tour season, but both fell incredibly short with bogeys during the last two holes.

I'm not going to say the sudden death playoff was not an interesting effect, but grandpa Hagan was out like a light during a black out. I suppose it was a good thing to see Cabrera take his second major (and overall tourney win) as his easy going approach to the game. Kind of gives perspective on how we should feel when we're hitting the links and how F-ing sweet he is when has it turned on like a bachelor in the middle of a Vegas pentouse on the house.

We're looking at a do or die right now for the sluggish Pistons. Talk about a team that could care less. I'm getting sick of them. They play Chicago tonight, and need the win to slip back the 7 slot, so they can face the ever depleted, small big manned Celtics. Let me tell you, when Big Baby has to start taking over in the paint, you are in some serious trouble. It may even be the equivalent of Allen Iverson bitching harder than eight bitches in a bitch boat so that he can sit out the rest of the season, declare that he'd love to be a STARTER for another NBA time and pick up the yoga skills so he can slob on his knob like corn on the cob.

BREAKING NEWS: MVP DRAFTED

In case you missed it, the WWE draft was held tonight. The #1 overall pick? You guessed it. MVP is on the move. That's right, Montel Vontavious Porter is getting his ass out of that bullcrap, Smackdown, and moving on to the glory lights of RAW!!! For those not educated in the art of WWE, this is the equivalent of Kurt Warner realizing that God was the answer and making his move to the Rams, replacing Trent Green who mysteriously suffered a season ending injury. Be prepared for a summer full of training in the event that MVP makes a run for the Royal Rumble, and better yet, the 'Mania, XXVI. Of course, he could always just end up as the Intercontinental Champion.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Interstate Love Song" -Stone Temple Pilots

That's a Ten Point Buck-BG

2009-04-08T18:55:00.014-04:00

Well Opening Day has come and gone for all teams in the MLB and overall I am thrilled baseball is back. If I could only figure out which DH to hang on to, Ortiz or Thome, in my fantasy league, I will be all set. Why did I draft two power hitters who cannot start at the same time in my fantasy lineup you ask? Because on draft night I got slightly inebriated and forgot about the draft. By the time I realized this it was the 11th round and I had three DHs. I don't want to talk anymore about it.

Before I go on I just want to address one thing. It seems like once a week there are stories about these Somali "pirates", taking over ships and holding them ransom, blah blah blah. I don't want to get into how this keeps happening, I just want to address one thing. This, is not a fucking pirate. THIS is a fucking pirate. Real pirates roll up and commandeer ships with this, not a piece of shit like this. So until these Somalians start rolling up with massive sails, iron cannons, and swords, can we please stop using the term pirate? Call them "sea terrorists" or "skinnys" or how about just "Somalis"? When was the last time that someone referred to "Somalis" and it meant something good? Simply "Somalis" seems like a perfect name to me, so for fucks sake, stop calling them pirates. Settled. Moving on.

Opening Day. It really could not have gone any better for the sox, except for the Okajima hiccup in the 8th inning. Josh Beckett looked vintage Beckett and if you read my previous "My Sex is on Fire" Red Sox preview, I highlighted the importance of an opening day gem for Beckett. He got one. Pedroia, picked up where he left of, by getting on one knee, and golfing a homer into the monster seats. It was great to see Mike Lowell get an RBI double yesterday. Besides Beckett, the guy who who needed something good to happen the most, was Mike Lowell. Guarantee that when Leigh Teixeira comes to town with her husband Mark, Mikey snaps a photo of himself, banging Leigh, then puts it up in Leigh's husband Mark's locker with the caption, "Don't ever threaten my job again, this is how you control your wife". Only the first win for the sox, but a good one. Don't cry everyone, I did not forget about Tek's homer, but I need more from him. Sheilds missed his spot by 3 and half feet inside, right in Tek's wheel house and that ball is foul in 99% of ballparks. Time will tell. (Real Time update: Youk just made a stupid error and its 1-0 Rays, 1st and 2nd, nobody out in the 3rd, with Eva up. FML)

I finally figured out A-Rod. Sort of. You know the part in Zoolander when Derek just found out that Hanzel won Male Model of the Year, then quits male modeling and goes around searching for who he really is? You know what I am talking about. When, he is completely lost and not even his own family wants anything to do with him? "It's mer-man, it's a mer-man!" That is where A-Rod is right now. He's lost staring into his own reflection. That was deep.

While A-Rod started rehab in Tampa, the Yankees really got their money's worth in Baltimore. It is only one game and they are still going to be a great team this year, but I found a couple things amusing. C.C. "Fat-Ass-Thia" was downright awful. Welcome back to the American League, C.C.!! C.C. not only physically looked like shit (a given), but pitched like it too. Remember Double Dare on Nickelodeon, when they put on those really big pants on, with a hoola hoop for a waist band, that were only held up with red suspenders and the object was to throw as many pies into them as you could? I think C.C. wears those. Leigh's husband Mark was booed every single time he did anything. They even chanted "Teixeira Sux" in BALTIMORE. They might have to hire the national guard in Boston. A Rod is going to have some company when he comes back because Mr. Leigh Teixeira choked in every RBI situation he had and then celebrated like it was a World Series game when The Ugly Asian hit a home run to bring them within 2. Think he's feeling the pressure already?

Congrats to the B's for locking up the #1 overall seed in their Quest for the Cup. The Bruins are playing their best hockey right now at the right time. They are getting healthy and the acquisition of Mark Recchi has not gone un-noticed. I will have a Bruins playoff outlook on the site next week. Lester sucked tonight, left behind 5-1. Not looking good for tonight, there goes my dreams of 162-0. Damn.

"Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver."

I Think The Onion Summed It Up Best

2009-04-06T23:14:00.007-04:00

Anyone who really thought MSU had a shot in this game was clearly living in a fantasy world. Yeah, they killed two Big (B)East teams to make it to the final, but I feel like I've seen this match up before...

Realist: Oh, that's right. December 3rd. MSU played UNC.

Ignorant MSU Fan: Man, I forget who won that game...

Realist: Ha, right, it was UNC.

Ignorant MSU Fan: But it was close right?

Realist: Nope, they lost by 35.

Ignorant MSU Fan: Well, they played at Chapel Hill, Carolina blue had all the advantages.

Realist: Um, no, they played in Michigan, the great lakes state.

Ignorant MSU Fan: Well, damn. MSU loses on their home floor, maybe they'll have better luck at Ford Field.

Realist: Newsflash, the game was at Ford Field.

Bottom Line: Sparty blows balls (literally & figuratively, as seen in history book).

Sorry, Sparty. When your X-Factor in a loss is Goran Suton, you're not going to have too much to brag about. It was a shame to see them go down like the Titanic. Ty Lawson is one quick Mo-fo.

Lets Get It On -TOMP

2009-04-04T15:32:00.006-04:00

Welcome to the greatest weekend in sports. As all are well aware, the Final Four finishes this weekend, the Cavs get dominated not once but three times and Allen Iverson is out for the season! These events only occur once in a blue moon, but all are overshadowed by the ever epic annual spectacular that seperates the men from the boys, puts the 'dic' in ridiculous and reveals the ultimate champion.

Of course, I'm talking about the one and only Wrestlemania.

For most fans, the focus will be on the championship match-up between Triple ('Roid Rage) HHH and the the human ding-bat, Randy Orton. I wouldn't expect too much out of this one. The movie, The Birdcage has more masculine qualities than the RKO. Randy will most likely end up scissor kicking himself out of the ring, only to knock his ahead into some metallic and get pinned down like a 3 dollar whore. It bewilders me how performers can think they're such hot shit for winning the Intercontinental Championship.

Who would be proud of winning something that reminds most people of a hotel. What's that supposed to translate to, anyway? You win a championship for a night or two? Maybe you have an extended trip and stay for a week. Either way you end up getting ass raped with the final bill and always think you should have gotten more for the price. All this translates to a HHH domination over another whiny Ken Shamrock type. Bet your sister's piggy bank on it.

Now this may be for the championship, it is by no means, the headliner of the 'mania. That my friends, belongs solely to the throw back brawl that will determine who truly is the most bad ass man in the room. We're talking in the first corner, the Undertaker, The American Bad Ass, The Demon from Death Valley who is 16-0 (G'Damn!) in the biggest glamfest in WWE/F history. In the other corner, Shawn 'Sweet Chin Music' Michaels, The Heart Break Kid, The Showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania ready to end the Undertaker's pansy ass streak and return to the ultimate glory of the WWE.

This is really a no brainer pick. Shawn Michaels is going humiliate The Undertaker. We're talking about a legend of wrestling and former member DX member (great crew). He's already called out the 'Taker and has his number. Lets be honest, the lord of death is 45 years old. There's no way he can continue this absurd streak. In fact this could be a retirement match. I hate to admit it, but we may never get another glance of The American Bad Ass if Michaels piles on the Sweet Chin Music like a sawgrass strummin' banjo. This wouldn't be a first for The Heart Break kid as he's dominated bastards in the past. In case you don't remember, here's the epic 2nd half battle between The Main Event & America's hard-on, Ric Flair (Look at this mook, I'm glad he got put into submission) from last years, Wrestlemania XXIV.

So, get your popcorn ready and put on your championship belt. Its game time, baby.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Song 2" -Blur

My Sex is on Fire- BG

2009-04-01T17:48:00.029-04:00

I just want to give everyone a heads up. If you are sensitive to certain subjects, in other words, if you are a sweet smelling pansy, than please change sites and go back to reading the vagina monologues. I don't know what is with me, but I have a feeling that this post might get a little out of hand. I'm in one of those moods. Maybe it's the ski trip/drinking binge that I went on last weekend that I am just now recovering from. Let me point out that 4 out of 15 people actually skied. The other 11 people woke up at 10am and drank until 4:30am. Fuck me. Mix in 732 jibbas, 57 five hour energies, songs about Vaginas, boats, and jizzing your pants, and it makes for one hell of a weekend. My Monday was so fucked that I spent most of the day reading wikipedia pages of serial killers, word for word. I have a couple comments on that. Jeffrey Dahmer is probably the most fucked up person that I have ever heard about, hands down. How this guy wasn't executed the second the police found severed heads, hands, penises, and bodies in vats of acid, is beyond me. I also read Charles Manson which I actually found to be strangely compelling. Not that I condone anything he did, but he actually did not kill as much as I thought. I mean he had a vision. It was fucked, but a vision. Jeffrey Dahmer makes him look like fucking Cindy Loo Who on Christmas Eve. These guys should both suffer the same fate as their victims, but check them out if your hungover one day. You might not listen to the Beatles the same again. Haha April Fools, Mom!! I swear, I didn't do any of the things that I mentioned above...

Moving on to something that normal people think about: Sports! Kind of mixed bag in the coming week. We have the C's limping to the finish and an Orangeless Final Four. On the other hand we have the B's hitting there stride again and ...Opening Day for the Sox! Here comes my Red Sox 2009 preview. Get some cold water, take off those sweatpants, and put some jeans on, cause you might get a little excited. Let's start with the lineup. The biggest question for me is whether David Ortiz will get back to being Big Papi and stop being Big Pussy. Everything that I have read states that he is healthy again. No clicking wrist, no spaghetti knee, and he has apparently got his "Cojones". My hope is that Big Papi, determined to prove to everyone that he can produce without Manny, goes for 35 and 130. If this happens, there is a very good chance that we will be hearing Mayor Menino mispronounce words again at the parade route announcement. I predict a big year from Jason Bay. Yes I am gay for Bay, big fan, don't judge me. (no homo) I also predict Mike Lowell will have a huge comeback year because he is playing with a "Paris-sized" chip on his shoulder. Mike Lowell will go, .290 with 22 bombs and get this.....110 RBIs. You heard it here. He is my favorite player on this team and Mikey was none too happy about all the Leigh Teixiera and Mark Teixiera signing talks. If you are an above average, World Series MVP, blue collar player, would you be happy being replaced by a guy who is $60 million overpaid, who lets his wife make his decisions for him? Leigh and Mark also haven't won shit in their lives. Mike Lowell, two rings. The good thing for Leigh and Mark is that Mark isn't the biggest fairy boy of the team, but he might be the most hated. The reason I say this, is because A-Roid has officially gone off the deep end. There aren't words to describe how messed up this guy is and although I hate him, it's so easy to hate him, he is starting to take the fun out of it. Maybe this is part of his master plan, I don't know.

Time for some Rotation talk. The biggest key for this season is getting Beckett off to a good start. Last year he came in a little overweight and then he had to go to Japan. Not only is everyone in Japan 5' 3", but all they eat is raw octopus and rice. They are skinny as fuck. It probably just magnified the issue in his mind. When you are a big "I live in Texas and slaughter my own cows" kind of guy, you are used to some fat ass people. I can't blame him. Add in the whole time zone thing and this is one mentally fucked up ace. I know it's the first start, but Opening Day will tell us a lot and let's hope we got the Texas Josh back. NEWS FLASH FOR EVERYONE!! Jon Lester has developed a changeup! My favorite pitch in baseball is a good changeup, ala Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, Cole Hamels, just to name a few. A lefty who throws mid-90s, has location, a mean cutter, a smooth hammer, and now a devastating changeup!?!? I need a cold shower or a towel. Dice-K will be the same as last year. He will average 5 innings, 110 pitches, 6 walks, 7-8 Ks, and somehow win 15 games. I don't get it. I cannot stand watching him pitch and I will scalp my tickets if I know he is pitching. He has overtaken Steve Trachsel as the new "Human Rain Delay". This is me during every Dice-K start. But I will take the 15 W's. The wild card in this rotation is Brad Penny. When Brad Penny was at his best, he was flat out un-hittable. He just throws straight gas. High 90s and says "Hit this motherfucker!". This, however, will be a different Brad Penny. He might have to re-invent himself, like Schilling did. He is still going to have that low to mid 90s fastball, a table dropping slider, and a curve that resembles Beckett's. Let us not forget, that Penny was on the 2003 Marlins Championship team and was 2-0 with a 2.00 ERA against the Yanks. Will the real Brad Penny please stand up!

The Pirate Ship in the bullpen. The ship has lost its captain, Mike Timlin, and by all accounts will either be without one designated captain or the reigns could be handled to Jonathon Papelbon. That's about as good an idea as taking a floozy home and drunk driving along the Chappaquiddick bridge, right Ted? I love Paps, I mean the guy is a stud, when "Shipping up to Boston" comes on, I go crazy. However, after seeing Eastbound and Down, I cannot get the Papelbon-Kenny Powers comparisons out of my head. That scares me just a bit if Kenny Powers is the closer of my team. I know Kenny Powers is more Jon Rocker, but Paps is next. I am just saying, do not be surprised that come free agent time he demands 8 years $1 billion and starts ripping on Boston when they say "fuck you". If that happens, hello Daniel Bard, bye-bye Paps. Look for Okajima to have a bounce back season and Ramon Ramirez will overtake Delcarmen, who will be traded this year. Sorry, Manny. You grew up in Boston so you should know the expectations, live up to them. Justin Masterson will be in the rotation next year, I am praying to god, but his sinker is nearly untouchable, and should set up nicely in the 7th and 8th. I think that the bullpen is the strongest part of this team and much better than the Yankees, especially because Hank has put Joba the Hut in the starting rotation. If Joba was in the bullpen, it would be lights out if the Yanks had a lead after 7. I just don't get it, I never will, but I also do not care.

That is it for my preview. I don't do predictions because I am superstitious and I don't do previews for other teams, because I don't care about other teams. If you have not seen the six episodes of Eastbound and Down, I highly recommend it. I'm out for now, time to do something called work. I am still pissed that I missed the best C's game of the year when I could have gone for 12 bucks. FUCK! Last night just reminds me why Ray Allen is my favorite player. Till next time.

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."

Well, I Won't Be Jizzing In My Pants This March -TOMP

2009-03-28T11:06:00.008-04:00

Greetings Sports Fans.

I apologize for my absence, but I've had a busy week consisting of a boatload of new experiences having to do with the tourney, life & love. Ok, maybe just the tourney and life. Whatever, I've been busy.

It deeply depresses me to say that the mighty Orange have fallen victim to those hick bastards from Oklahoma. I guess I should have known it would happen Sooner or later. I was just hoping it would at least be to the Tar Heals of UNC. I had a bad feeling going into this one from square one. 'Cuse just didn't have that look about them from the get go of the game. Couldn't hit those three pointers, and the only player other than J-Flyzzle that could be utilized was Ricky Jackson. Not even the crazy antics of the Belgian Waffle could make a comeback happen. There were numerous turnovers, too many missed shots and Jonny got hit by that mother fucking freight train, Blake Griffin (almost positive that was an offensive foul on that numb nutted asshole).

I just couldn't get the bad taste out of my mouth. When it finally got out of hand, I didn't really know how I felt. I suppose the best comparison would be to the times I've sat on my crapper, looked over for some TP, felt it, wondered to myself why it was so wet, and then put two & two together to figure out that my roommate had urinated all over it. But that's the price you pay living with a professional web designer.

I've already started to look ahead to next year, even though its hard to believe this season is actually over. Cuse played great for the most part down the stretch and became America's sweetheart. I even heard Doug Gottlieb describing how they were a great team to watch with tourney title hopes, and that simply does not happen. We're going to miss the Waffle next year, but Joseph has looked pretty solid over the last month or so, and rumor has it they've recruited another big man who happens to be a four star kind of guy. If he were a movie, he'd win the best picture. Boo-ya. I don't even know his name, but I'm optimistic from the chit-chat I've heard.

So, put on The National, watch your favorite Devendorf Youtube clips and just think about next year. Parting is such sweet sorrow... R.I.P. '08-'09 Syracuse Orangemen Basketball.

In other news, I was front and center for the East regional match-ups with none other than BG, himself. Of course, by front and center i mean, second to last row in TD Banknorth Garden, but I'll take it any day. Pitt (my championship winner and sole hope of winning the Bud Guthrie corporate bracket, and no Mr. Guthrie, I did not buy that map yet) squeaked by the mighty Musketeers of Xavier, and yes it was a fucking nail biter. No, I did not appreciate it. Fields put up what might have been the worst shot choice in NCAA history. I'll quote my dad on this one, "That was a ballsy ass shot." Couldn't put it better myself.

I have to say though, I have never had so much fun attending a game just to see an opposing team lose. I fucking HATE the Duke Blue Devils. HATE them. I can not emphasize this enough. They suck more ass overall than Notre Dame football, and that's saying something. These two schools think they're so mother fucking cool, but hey, newsflash guys, 6'5 white guys do not win you national championships. In Charlie Weis' case, they don't even get you bowl game wins, that is if you're lucky enough to get there.

Anyway, it was a phenomenal time. Special thanks to the Mr. Foley for the hook up. I had a great time with his Nova buddies, there's nothing better than mature, successful and happy gentlemen letting loose and acting like us early twenties douchebags. I'd also like to thank the Villanova Alumni Association for renting out all of Greatest Bar, letting anyone register for the event for $35, and supplying some incredibly smoking hot bartenders and alumni. There were some mean dumpers there. The Dome Factor will make a serious effort to attend more VIP events in the future.

We've still got four games to go for the tourney this weekend, and I'm hoping Ty Lawson featuring his injured toe bitch smack the fuck out of that little mohawk freak point guard on Oklahmo. I hope Blake Griffin pulls a Duke lacrosse and we never see him again, or his coach walks into the training facility, sees both Griffin brothers, and states in 100% enthused honesty, "It stinks like sex in here."

After the Madness ultimately ends, which would probably be good for me as I'm having my worst bracket picks since '02 (but hey, went 4 for 5 in last week's upset specials), 'Cuse is out, and my sole hope in Pittsburgh is playing like a JV girls school team that replaced the original JV team who died in a tragic bus accident. Anyway, after it ends, to finish that thought... I'll be totally stoked for the '09 NBA playoffs, where the Detroit Pistons will finally pull their heads out of their asses and make some magic happen versus the Celtics or Magic.

Of course they could always miss the playoffs....

God damn it.

FML.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In"

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" -Beastie Boys

TOMP Pick of the Week: "Superunknown" -Soundgarden

DOME FACTOR ALERT!!!

2009-03-26T16:38:00.002-04:00

After much negotiation The Dome Factor has received its VIP press passes for tonight's East Regional games in Boston. We have also obtained VIP invites to a Villanova pre-party. Yes we will be schmoozing with all the big wigs before, during, and (if we play our cards right) after the game with some Wildcat women. I guess this is when you know you have hit it big. Expect a recap tomorrow early afternoon sometime. How's the view from down there?

First Week Recap- BG

2009-03-23T15:57:00.018-04:00

All of readers who are not currently in my office pool, I apologize ahead of time, because this is mainly for members of the CA office pool. Still, its a recap of the first week, so read at your own discretion.....

Now that was fun wasn't it? The good thing is that there are a lot of people vying for that coveted top spot and its still anyone's tournament. My father Mike is currently sitting a top the leader board and it gets worse for me, because we basically have the same bracket going forward, so the best I can do is second. The $300 for second place will pad my pockets nicely when I hit the track in Florida in a few weeks. Gotta love those Chariot Races! Moving on...

The reason why everyone is so close is because for the most part the tournament has gone as planned. There was Dayton knocking off a West Virginia team, that apparently decided that basketball wasn't for them anymore and sent the Morgantown Boys and Girls Under 14 team to play Dayton. Just an atrocious showing and it really screwed up my chances. There was also the Cleveland St. upset over Wake Forest. Thank God that the game was on Friday night and we didn't have to listen to Jalyn board the CSU bandwagon and rub it in everyone's face about how Ohio is the greatest state in the world. But on Sunday, in true Ohio team fashion, they got blitzed by Arizona. Cinderella, I am going to need those slippers back and the keys to that pumpkin your sitting in, thank you.

I would also like to thank the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers for clearing the runway to allow Gonzaga point guard, Demetri Goodson, to lay the ball in with 0.6 left of the clock. His head was on a swivel the whole time up the court begging for someone to pass to. Finally, he channeled his inner Sully Sullenberger and said "This balls gonna be in the basket". I'm actually surprised that one of the Hilltoppers didn't pick him up so he could dunk it. I had Gonzaga, so I was thrilled, but I thought the lack of defense was worth mentioning.

(By the way, doesn't Orlando Mendez-Valdez sound like an oil tanker that had a massive spill and killed thousands of wildlife species? Just a thought)

The game that lacked luster for me was the North Dakota St Bisons getting knocked off by the Jayhawks. That game had Gus Johnson announcing orgasm written all over it. Woodside had the potential to become the next Steph Curry, but despite his 37 points, he couldn't do it. Time for the Bison farm boys to go back plowin' the fields under that Amarillo Sky!

Quick news bulletin for everyone!! In the first round, Hasheem Thabeet found out that he is a 7' 3" African, therefore making him about 5-6 inches taller than anyone else on the court. Upon finding this out, Hasheem discovered that if he just stands there and puts a little bit of effort in, he can go for 20-15 on any night. Only took him 3 years. The good news for UConn fans is they are playing the best basketball of anyone in the tourney, the bad news is, after the first round Hasheem forgot who he was again and scored a whopping 4 pts again, 1-2 from the field. Good for you! Hasheem wishes he was half the player as Saleh was.

Cuse versus Oklahoma! What a matchup?! Both teams looked unfazed by their opening round games and it should make for a marquee matchup. As a Cuse fan, I hope its 2003 all over again where they treated the Big 12 worse than Jodie Foster was treated in The Accused. How will we cover Blake Griffin? Well, Cuse plays the 2-3 zone. Any sort of drive will be double teamed, so he will have to dish, and if he wants to dance around the perimeter, be my guest. Hopefully this, Blake Griffin will show up and The Cuse shouldn't have a problem.

Pittsburgh looked the most flappable of all the number ones. If it wasn't for Sam Young, Pitt loses by 10. Okla St was bombs away from the beginning and it was really fun to watch. I hate Pitt, always have, and I'm not sold on Dejuan Blair. Yes hes a beast, yes he will be a lottery pick and deservedly so, but he thinks he's better than he is. He's a good defender and a great rebounder, but would you want Blair with the ball in his hands with the game on the line? No you wouldn't. He's also 6' 7" 265, he should be a defensive end. I just think Big Baby Davis everytime I see him and he's not even as big (Baby is 6' 9" 289). I know there will be some strong disagreement, but where does he fit in the NBA?

(Side Note: Speaking of useless NBA players, why does every good college white guy always remind me of Bryant "Big Country" Reeves? My new favorite player is Washington's Jonathon Brockman. He is a beast, but will probably suffer the same fate as Big Country. So will Cole Aldrich. Do you think the Kansas recurits gave Aldrich's dad a new tractor ala Ricky Roe's dad in the movie Blue Chips? You know he's got that JOOOHHNNN DEEEEREEE GREEEN.)

That is all for now. As I stated above, the tourney went pretty much as scripted. I am heading up for a Company ski trip up in Killington this weekend. Hoops, beers, hot tubs, chocolate sauce, snow bunnies, and live music are sure to make for a great time. Did I mention no one is actually skiing? Come on folks, we are in a recession! Getting fucked up is the only real way to spend your hard earned cash.

P.S. Mikki Moore...STOP FOULING PEOPLE OR LEAVE MY FUCKING CITY. You know the part in every Texas Chainsaw Massacre when Leatherface runs down the dirt road waving his chainsaw like the maniac he is? Well that is Mikki Moore every time he is on the basketball court. Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

A Bracket Buster Preview -TOMP

2009-03-18T19:12:00.010-04:00

As the entire nation should be well aware, the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament kicks off tomorrow afternoon at 12:20 when the mighty Bayou Bengals face off against the Bulldogs of Butler. The tourney marks some of the most unpredictable outcomes that you could ever imagine, and it should not come as a surprise that I look to dominate the various betting pools around the nation like it's nobodies business.

I've learned a thing or two over the past few years, mostly that i just kick ass at picking winning tourney teams. In the past three years I'm well over 86% (actual data misplaced) correct in my picks and 100% correct when it comes to which team SHOULD have won the game. For instance, when Western Kentucky beat Drake last year with this buzzer beater, yours truly had the Bulldogs marked for victory. Why didn't that work out? Cheating referees.

So, I'd like to present to you my top five "keep it on the dl" tourney upset victories of the week. Please note; these are locks.

My first move is pretty obvious. Guess who's back in the big dance? You got it, the WKU Hilltoppers. Why do I like the Hilltoppers? Well, for starters the refs really favor them, as we can recall from the Drake game. This also happens to be a pretty explosive team, early in the season, they managed to top the #1 seed in the tourney, Louisville. They shoot 36% from behind the three point line and have nearly five guys that average double digits in a game, led by the one and only, A.J. Slaughter. I know, his name is incredibly bad ass. The real selling point on this is their opponent, the Illinois Illini, a member of the Big 10(11) conference. All you really need to know about the Big 10(11) is that they're big, slow and don't put up any points. Oh, and Illinois lost to Penn State 38-33. Try not to doze off during this one.

The Michigan Wolverines are playing the Clemson Tigers. One of these teams will fall apart faster than Dubaku's invasion of the White House (Thanks, Jack). Hint: it's not the Wolverines.

Your next play here is to go with the incredibly risky ploy of taking a 14 seed to blow up a 3. If you want to win, you take North Dakota State University to bury the Kansas Jayhawks. Hear me out before you go ballistic. Lets back a few years. The year was 2005, and Kansas was a three seed who happened to be a part of one of the biggest upsets in tourney history when they were upended by Bucknell 64-63 on March 18. Look it up. I was there (in spirit). The Bucknell mascot, you ask? The Bison. And who are NDSU? Oh, that's right, the Bison. You following me? KU is going to staring down five white guys with buzz cuts and see a bunch of n00bs with ball skills like Jerome James. Four senior starters and they shoot 41% from behind the arc. Did I mention that Gus Johnson will be doing the play by play? You're welcome.

Here's a tip I learned living in Boston. Don't bet on a team that beats UNC one day and loses to Harvard the next. BC is going to take a pounding from the Trojans. Bet your illegitimate daughter's college tuition on it, so she can fit right in with the maroon & gold Eagle crowd.

Now, here's the ultimate sleeper. You've probably forgotten about this team because they dipped off at the end of the season and didn't make as big of a splash as they have in the last few years. They've got superb coaching, play awesome defense, have an incredibly underrated senior point guard and have been to the last three Final Fours. Of course, I'm talking about the one and the only UCLA Bruins. They're a six seed facing a tough VCU team in the first round match-up, but these guys play some mega good hoops with the likes of Josh Shipp & Darren Collison controlling the tempo of the game. What are the two factors that determine how far a team can go? Great guard play and lock down defense baby. The Bruins feature both. They finished second in the Pac-10, so its not like they completely shat the bed. When they get past VCU, they're going to kick the crap out of 'Nova. Yeah, I'm a Big East guy. Yeah, the game's in Philly. Yeah, 'Nova should win. But I just took a call from Ben Howland. Informed him that I picked his team. He started crying out tears of joy instantly. Don't make me say I told you so.

Enjoy it when you win thousands in your pool, divorce your wife and get with that 18 year old when you pull up to her high school in a Porsche.

Enjoy the weekend, and I'll see you for the Sweet Sixteen.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Comedown" -Bush

Let's Go Orange! - BG

2009-03-13T10:15:00.041-04:00

Words cannot described what transpired last night, hence the shitty title to this post. It is arguably the best game ever played in the Big East Conference and should be in consideration for one of the best games period. In case you fell asleep or didn't watch, Syracuse slugged it out with UConn and in the 6TH OVERTIME (that is not a typo), finally pulled away and took home the win. I am usually a cynical person, but I have nothing bad to say about either team in this game. The most impressive thing to me was that point guard battle, A.J. Price vs Jonny Flynn. Those two willed their teams to win and luckily for us, Jonny came out on top. I cannot accurately portray what happened by giving you a play-by-play recap, nor do I have the energy. Instead, I will give you a few things that I thought, noticed, and enjoyed about the game. I didn't really have anything I disliked about the game, so here we go:

-Jonny Flynn is the man. 34 points, 11 assists, 6 steals, 16-16 from the line, and perhaps the most amazing stat, 67 MINUTES!!! That is amazing in itself and when you add in the fact that he was dribbling the ball every possession, constantly moving, and drawing fouls the whole time, it was nothing short of extraordinary. Props to Jonny Flynn.

-Kudos to Andy Rautins or as everyone in the world refers to him, "Leo's Kid". Andy kept running off those high screens and just popping NBA range threes. Without those, this game is over after the first OT. Freshman Kris Joseph kept the great picks going once the big guys fouled out, good job Kris. Anyone who is complaining about the game being too long, blame Leo's Kid. He was sensational.

-At one point during one of the overtimes, Jay Bilas and Bill Raftery had the following exchange talking about one of the big guy scrums under the basket:

Bill: "Jay, when was the last time you were in the middle of a bunch of big men, banging you around and roughing you up?"

Jay: (a little chuckle) "Oh, like 5 minutes ago!"

(all three commentators start giggling)

I was very confused and felt slightly violated, please let's move on.

-You have to hand it to Paul Harris. The guy kept missing and missing easy lay-ins and then he got stuffed by the rim! This wasn't one of those ones where the guy couldn't flush it because he was too aggressive, he was so tired he couldn't even get his legs to propel him high enough! But after the "rim job", he followed it with an "and one". Great hussle the whole game, 29 points and 22 boards. Boeheim rags on him a lot, but he took it in stride, stuck it out, didn't give up, and it paid off big time. Harris was also 13-14 from the line, making him and Flynn 29-30. Bravo Gentleman.

-Hasheem Thabeet is soft. Everyone knows this, but I really saw it last night. Jonny Flynn, who is almost a foot and a half shorter, was throwing his body into him and scoring off the glass. Credit to Jonny, yes, but there is no excuse for that. He does block shots, but not unless Adrien or Robinson is the first line of defense. He just sits in the background and jumps up. He sucks at boxing out, he gets rebounds all off his reach. He's weak. He's the kid who stomps on someone after another guy has already beat that someone to a pulp. I cannot wait until some team like Memphis drafts him 6th overall, signs him for million, and then he rides the bench for years. Terrible. (I wonder if Jim Calhoun went to Tanzania to recruit him ala Kevin Bacon in The Air Up There?) He might be my least favorite player in the country. Which brings me to my next point...

-Eric Devendorf is another one of my least favorite players in the country. It is not just hitting the broad in the face, because all witness accounts deny the accusation and she had no marks on her face. It's all the mouthing off, the hideous tattoos, the punk looks he gives, and the fact that the words hustle and defense mean nothing to him. I think he really believes he is black. If I don't like him, I cannot imagine what other people must think of him. Gerry Callahan on WEEI this morning, said he hates more than Bernie Madoff! (Now, that is a little harsh, because last time I check Eric didn't ruin thousands of lives by stealing billions of dollars) I will put up with it because he is a good offensive player and one of the only orangemen who can create their own shot and get to the hoop. Eric, just do every Orange fan a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PLAY!!

-Cuse shot 41-51 (78.4%) from the charity stripe. Even Arinze made two in a row down the stretch. Let's start making this a trend boys.

-Despite the awkward gay moment I mentioned above, this announcing team of Sean Mcdonough, Jay Bilas, and Bill Raftery is really good. Bilas tells it how it is all the time and isn't afraid to get on players, Mcdonough had a little Gus Johnson in him last night and is just an overall great play-by-play guy, and Raftery, despite his quick gibberish spurts before commercial breaks, is a nice compliment.

Bill: (slowed down replay before a commercial break) Jonny Flynn drivesandalittle...k i ssss...oftheglass and in...overthebigfellaforthetwo!

If you can read that above, you get my point.

-Obviously the best thing about the game was the win, but also that everyone I know got to see it. Everyone I called last night was up at the end of the game, even non-Cuse people. It was just a great game. Granted 90% of the people I talked to were so drunk I couldn't understand what they were yelling, but still. My father even stayed up to watch it and he gets up at 5am every morning.

This post was a little all over the place and maybe next week once I gather my thoughts I will write more about it, but I had to get something up here. Tonight Syracuse will probably get killed by WVU, but I don't care, I am ready for the real tourney. Here's to a great weekend! It's going to be a shitshow! Go Cuse!

Sleepers & Weepers -TOMP

2009-03-11T11:49:00.019-04:00

As the greatest sports week of all time approaches with the NCAA Tourney, I've been amazed by the heavy load of non-college hoops related sporting news breaking over the past few weeks. Of course, this starts with the offseason soap opera that is the Dallas Cowboys who finally pulled the trigger on releasing TO. I'm still concerned about this move as the Cowboys currently only have Roy Williams (who they traded their entire draft for) and Patrick Crayton signed for this season, as the contracts for Sam Hurd & Miles Austin are dangling out in the wide open. Lordy.

In other recent news, it turns out Jay Cutler is the biggest fucking baby I have ever seen. We're talking about a guy who has a sub-500 record, ran Jake Plummer out of Denver (who led that team to the AFC Championship game & had a sweet 'stache, but whatever) and enjoys boasting that he's a better quarterback than John Elway ever was.

Excuse me? JOHN ELWAY? The comeback kid? The drive? Correct me if I'm wrong, but is that a Super Bowl trophy in hand? When I think Cutler, I think diabetic cocky bitch, who must have have slipped the Vanderbilt coach a silly willy so he could attend one of the premiere universities in the nation. It boggles my mind how he keeps sand bagging the entire Broncos organization, who have taken every step to improve on the offensive side of the ball signing Jabar Gaffney, Chris Simms, Correll Buckhalter, J.J. Arrington and Lamont Jordan. Although, if I recall correctly, wasn't the problem on the defensive side of the ball? I know the Broncos lost like seven running backs last year, but you'd think there would be some focus on the weak ass defensive line (Jarvis Moss, I'm looking at you. Wait. A bust? From Florida? Tell me more.) and trying to figure out what the hell you're going to do with Brandon Marshall after he gets arrested for the 42nd time. The Broncos are sure lucky they get to play the Chiefs & Raiders twice a year. Frankly, I'm surprised McDaniels hasn't made trade offers for Richard Seymour, Ty Warren and Vince Wilfork.

In case you missed the late night college bball action on Tuesday night, two automatic bids emerged that are now my personal favorites to the run the table all the way to the Final Four next week.

The first team, the mighty Bison of North Dakota State. They stomped the the bajesus out of Oakland (a Detroit product & this star's former school) in the Summit League Tournament finale. I had a first as far as watching basketball goes, seeing a group of 5 caucasians trying to hold their own on the hard wood in their school's first year of D1 eligibility. Now, while this may seem like a minor miracle when observing today's game, the most astonishing aspect to me was how similar every player looked. Each guy had blond hair and a buzz cut. Outside of the center who was clearly balding worse than a Steven Segal circa 1997, every dude looked exactly the same. I was lost. Although, I'm sure Brett Winkelman will be a dominant force backing that 15 seed. Profiling at its best.

The other team that managed to pull off the huge upset last night, was none other than those bastards at Cleveland State University. Quite possibly the ugliest group of men ever assembled to play basketball, the mighty Vikings managed to get past the Butler Bulldogs to make way for the big dance. This certainly doesn't help any of those teams lingering for those at large bids as Butler is almost certainly going to be dancing late next week. I'm really hoping I don't smell the stench of another high and dry 'Cuse team.

Few of you probably recall the Pontiac Game Changing Performance nominee where these jamokes managed to slip past the mighty Orange(men) with a final seconds three point bomb from half court (DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS). Well, ladies & gentlemen. I'm ready for the rematch. Paul Harris is going to dominate the next two weeks of basketball play along the likes of Mel Daniels and Artis Gilmore. Its going to be an epic site. I guarantee it.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Soul To Squeeze" -Red Hot Chili Peppers

TOMP Pick of Week: "Wolf Like Me" -TV on the Radio

Time to Put Your Shoes On- BG

2009-03-11T09:36:00.016-04:00

It took Johnny Flynn a half to realize that Dominic James was not playing last Saturday, but once he figured it out he dropped 20 on the Golden Eagles, to lead the Orange to the overtime upset. (Dome Factor Disclaimer: Please make sure you are sitting down when I make this next statement. If you have a history of heart problems or if you are pregnant, please just skip to the next paragraph. Ready? OK.) Rick Jackson made a FREE THROW, to tie the game at 73-73, and sent the game into OT. In OT Johnny Flynn made a layup on the Orange's first possession and the lead was never relinquished. Now Syracuse does not have to beat anyone in the Big East tournament, but I want them to at least beat Seton Hall tonight. I think that winning the Big East tourney will be doom for the NCAA tourney. See exhibit A and exhibit B. Both of these came after Cuse won the Big East tourney. Not good. Syracuse goes as Johnny Flynn goes. It's that simple. I predict big upsets in the Big East tourney this week. I just think that it's too much time off for the top 4 teams. Stay tuned.

The Dome Factor would like to be the first to announce that Jay Cutler will be the new spokesman for Tampax and Kleenex. Apparently the toiletry companies have signed Jay, because he has recently become the biggest bitch in football. Jay Cutler a.k.a Football's "Mr. October" (that is not a good thing, Jay) is pissed because the Broncos Brass were contacted about obtaining Matt Cassel. Gee, why would a new head coach who helped mold a budding star quarterback, want to obtain said quarterback? Why would he want to replace a turnover machine, for an accurate, smart, and WINNING QB? Hey Jay, maybe they can trade you to the Lions, and then you can get a Midol endorsement. Stop crying and maybe you will learn a thing or two this season. Try making the playoffs.

Switching gears a little bit. I first thought when this group of 13 was going to sing Michael Jackson songs, we were in for an Amy Winehouse type train wreck. But I would say 8 of the 13 absolutely killed it. I hate Adam Lambert, but this was outstanding. After that, I bet Michael cannot wait to have him over for appletini's and a "hot dog" swallowing contest. Adam will gladly oblige. They finally got away from the story about Danny Gokey's wife dying and focused on Danny and the rest of the Gokey Family. He slayed PYT. Speaking of slaying, how many 16-18 year old girls do you think Anoop has been slaying since Idol started? It has to be a lot. I am convinced of this. Anyway, looks like his statutory rape spree is about to end, cause he sucked. He sang "Beat It" and well, yes, you will be doing a lot of that now. That is it for Idol, there were a good performances, but I only wanted to talk about a couple of them. Not one of them was from Scott Mcintyre a.k.a "The Mad Scientist". And at least we got to look at Meghan Joy Corkroy's hammer's poppin' out for 5 minutes. That was entertaining. To bad her and the buoys might be going home tonight.

Last thought about the Rhianna/Chris Brown thing. I think it's all a set up to make money and gain attention. If this wasn't a set up and that affidavit was true, would she really be getting back together with him AND recording a duet with him? I just don't buy it. You say, "Oh come Bud, why do they need money? They are already loaded?" Because everyone craves more money, especially with this uncertain future. Take George Jung for example. In case you live in a cave, he is the real life "Boston George" from the movie Blow. He could have just made a shit ton of money selling weed across the US with "The Tuna" and lived on the beach his whole life, banging stewardesses. But no, he wanted more. He wanted to take on drug cartels and steal their Columbian wives. So he started selling cocaine and making trips back and forth from Columbia in a single engine cessna. He wanted to conquer the world and he nearly did. But we all know how it turned out, he got caught. And so will Rhianna and Chris Brown. This smells fishier than a lesbian yoga room.

That is it for now. Big string of games this weekend and the Southie St. Paddy's Day Extravaganza. Can't wait for those brackets to come out!

Thanks for the HJ- BG

2009-03-05T08:57:00.015-05:00

I wanted to wait for everything to settle before I wrote about the Matt Cassel situation. Everyone knew that Matt Cassel was not going to be on the Patriots next year, especially because Tommy Boy's rehab is going so well. So the Patriots traded Cassel to the Chiefs for the 34th pick overall. They took a former seventh round draft pick, swapped him for an early second rounder, and wait....CLEARED CAP SPACE. The Patriots were closer to the cap, than Amy Winehouse is to death. The Pats clearly need to fix gaping holes in their defense and they need the money to sign these players. They have 3 second rounders and the 23rd overall pick to sign. They also at some point have to re-sign Vince Wilfork and Richard Seymour, both defensive anchors. I just think that it was a solid move. Not great and could they have waited? Yes, but the Pats coaches and front office are not stupid. They know what they are doing. The Matt Cassel era was a little like an HJ. It filled a need. It had it's ups and downs. It got you excited about where it might lead, but in the end it was just ok. We didn't make the playoffs. It's time to move on and swing for that home run. We have Tom Brady coming back. Matt Cassel will vanish like a fart in the wind when Brady connects with Randy on the first touchdown pass. Take a breath everyone.

(Random Note: Daniel Synder has ruined any chance of the Patriots signing Julius Peppers. I would like to extend a special thanks to Daniel Synder for signing Albert Haynesworth to $100 million contract. Once again Daniel fails to recognize his real problem (his offense) and just makes a signing to flex his financial muscles. Daniel, your QB sucks and is boring, your RB plays maybe 8 games and takes the rest off to play dress up, your leading wide receiver is hit or miss, and I cannot even name your other staring wideout. Your "most reliable" offensive player is a scrappy white tight end who takes pictures of his own junk in the mirror. My point is, there is no way the Pats spend that kind of money on anyone, not even Peppers.)

I never thought I would say this, but I want Brian Scalabrine back in my life. This isn't going to happen because apparently Scal cannot watch TV for more than 30 minutes without feeling like his head is going to explode. The reason I bring this up is because Mikki Moore sucks. He comes in, turns the ball over twice because he has stone hands, picks up three fouls, and sits back on the bench. Oh, did I mention that he goes 1-6 in this span because he is convinced that the 18 footer is his shot. This goes on like a fucking merry-go-round every game. To top it off Doc said today on Dennis and Callahan that quote, "Mikki gives us more shooting!?!?!?" I almost spit my coffee all over the keyboard. Bottom line is that KG needs to come back quickly. The C's are looking very vulnerable on the defensive end. With KG out, Big Baby starts and plays 30+ minutes a game. Big Baby playing 30+ minutes means I have to scream "no, no, no, no!!" ten more times than usual at my TV and my voice is getting hoarse. My only problem with the Marbury Era in Boston so far was last night. Every time he touched the ball he got booed non-stop and when he fucked up (which was a lot last night) the crowd went crazy and it fired the other team up. This does not bode well for the C's bench. The verdict is still out in my mind. I really wish Boston would stop being the place for these reclamation projects. Yes, it worked with Randy Moss, let's stop pushing our luck.

(Side note: I would like to welcome the Pistons back. It really wasn't the same only having one rival in the East. Rip Hamilton it was good seeing you out of your coffin and now TOMP can actually talk shit back. I don't dislike the Lebron's, so this will be much more fun. A.I. do everyone a favor never come back. Thanks)

American Idol has established 9 of their top 12. Now tonight 8 people get to compete again for the final 3 spots to determine the top 12. I have a real problem with this format, but it is what it is. There are four clear front runners already. Danny Gokey, Scott McIntyre (blind kid), Adam Lambert, and Lil Rounds. Yes, her first name is Lil, but she has pipes. How much crack do you think Lil's father was on when he named her? And do not tell me he just liked the name Lil. If her last name was Smith, her name would have been Alicia or something. But it was Rounds, and we get Lil Rounds. Moving on. I just hope Scott McIntyre gets through for his ability to sing and to tickle the ivories, rather than the fact he is blind. He does not have the vocals like the others, but he has a marketable appeal and plays the piano really well. He should take a cue from Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder and PUT SOME SUN GLASSES ON! Please! He is really good, but I feel that if I look into his eyes long enough, I will turn to stone. It is really not that hard. I got to give him credit, he stood up while performing the other night and started walking around stage. He just has to put a little more cooool into his performances. I have hated the so called "favorite" Adam Lambert for sometime now. Can't stand his voice, his act, can't stand anything about the kid. Now this comes out. BAM! The American public will not stand for this. Tolerance has come a long way, but this is American Idol, not "Liberal Accepting Coastal Cities" Idol.

Quick Lost tangent and I will be done. I do not care about the Kate and Sawyer love story. I do like chick flicks, but if I want to watch a fucking chick flick, I will watch The Notebook. I watch Lost for its quirky plot twists, sci-fi aspects, and to find out what the fuck is going to happen. They have pussified Sawyer now, the bad-ass of the show. I am not going to stop watching because I am in it for the long haul, but please get back to basics. To quote the great Bud Kilmer "Stick to the Basics". (Yes, I just quoted Varsity Blues). Lately, everything has been such a goddamn sob story, I feel like I have been watching 90210 episodes. They also need to fix Kate's character and get her back to the "Basic" Kate. Right now, she is all skinny, muscular, and she just doesn't look good. Maybe they need to give her a few cuts and bruises, a slow blood trickle, I don't know. I do know that Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) is blowing her out of the water in the looks department right now. Get it together, Kate!

I wish I had some Red Sox stuff to talk about, but it's spring training and that is boring. I do not know what is wrong with the Bruins, other than they just look un-motivated. They are getting out hustled, out hit, and out played. It sucks to watch and I think Washinton or NJ or both overtakes them for the number 1 seed in the playoffs. More on that in a later post. I am heading down to Hoboken, NJ for their celebration of St. Paddy's Day. Two weekends in a row. Should be a doozy. Out.

Welcome Back Gentlemen -TOMP

2009-03-04T22:06:00.006-05:00

You probably weren't locked to your TV screen late on Friday and early on Sunday, but both days featured the introduction of the original 2009 Detroit Pistons.

To answer your obvious first question, yes, I was a graphic design major in college. Am I available for free lance work? Not at all; I am employed full time.

Now, the reemergence of Richard 'Rip' Hamilton:

As it turns out, Allen Iverson's back began to hurt him. So, your boy #32 finally got back into the starting line-up where he's been for the majority of the decade. Guess what happened next? You got it. Business time. They put on a smokeshow in front of the Magic and even made Dwight Howard cry (footage not found). It was epic. This followed by the demolition of the Boston Celtics on a Sunday Bloody Sunday. It was like a slap in the face. I loved it. A lot.

For those of you keeping track at home: Rip's lines for the last three games (smackdown of the Nuggets included): 31-1-6, 25-6-9, 21-2-7. In others words: Super SmackDown status.

Breaking News: A.I. is out for 2 more weeks. Sweet.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Kids" -MGMT

Love and Hate-J

2009-02-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

Starbury is gone! Not like he was really with the Knicks this season but at least he’s out of the NY Post and our press conferences. Now It hurts me deep inside to celebrate his exit out of NYC because he was always a favorite of mine growing up ever since he was on the Timberwolves. I even went to Marbury’s basketball camp in the Poconos 2 years in a row. I wish I could show you my autographed picture with him, such a prized childhood possession of mine (Insert your insult here). And let’s not forget the Starbury sneakers I bought for $15, which shows Steph has always been looking out for the white middle class such as myself. There was always something about him that was likable to me, could have been his I don’t give a fuck attitude or his bad ass mustache. But soon after his arrival in New York, his locker room antics and selfish play brought down the team, led to the firing of Larry Brown, and ultimately resulted in Steph losing his mind(Must Watch). The final straw was the obnoxious tattoo on the side of his head, that’s where our bromance officially ended. It’s a shame when relationships like this have to end in such a bad way but it was deservingly so. But I’ll enjoy watching the drama that will ensue when Marbury becomes a Celtic. Many sports writers have made valid points about the positives of bring him in, but just remember, this is Marbury. He does what he wants and no Boston Three Party is going to change that. He may prove us all wrong, but with his ego, I have very serious doubts.

Let’s move on to the standouts in the music industry this week

New Artist K’naan – Brings a new fresh approach to the rap scene right now. He’s a rapper was grew up in Somalia and then moved to Canada (Smart move). But he’s got a voice and flow similar to Q-tip and can sing like Bob Marley. Check him out.
We Come Prepared
T.I.A.

So although I despise American Idol, I was sent this from a friend and this guy has to be the most flamboyant, ridiculous and funny contestant I have ever seen. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oj8bCkc2RD0&feature=related

And for all you Guido club bangers out there, here’s a little gem to pump your fist to while your pounding Yager Bombs

Stay tuned for another post in the next few days ranting about the current state of the Jets.

Lost Regarding Lost -TOMP

2009-02-26T13:59:00.001-05:00

You've always heard about those horrific accidents that people see on the streets and just can't avert there eyes because they're so locked into the turmoil and fire ball to follow. Well, I present to you the 2009 Detroit Pistons! Its gotten to the point where I'm not even angry at them anymore, just disappointed. The cliche feels plenty appropriate here. Now, it doesn't even look like they're going to make the playoffs, and to make matters worse they have to face the Magic & Celtics in back to back games this weekend. Um, 10 game losing streak here we come. I haven't seen anything this pathetic since Lost last night.

In case you're not a Lost-a-holic and haven't tuned into fine website gems such as the Lostpedia. Let me give you a quick recap of the past few weeks. Note, you will need the following details for a background story (minor spoiler alert): Six people managed to get off the island (it took 4 seasons, but it happened). One character, John Locke, must make the six return, or everybody left on the island dies (I'm bored again just thinking about it). Anyway, John gets off the island to get the other six to come back, however that works.

Any of the 6 who got off the island: John, what are you doing here?

John: I've come to bring you back to the island.

The 6: Fuck that.

John: Damn.

Random Creepy Guy Everybody Listens To: Bring them back John. You're special.

I just saved you four hours of your life, and a half season of time travel and bullshit I've had to sit through.

Every week we're told, the next episode will "Answer your questions," be "What you've been waiting for" and a "Can't miss." Thanks Lost. I'd really like some clarification on a few of the following, if you're really serious about this. Um, how about, what's that smoke cloud that kills people? That seems like a good question to answer, and gee its only been what, FIVE YEARS that you've been hiding this one.

I'm not even going to get into Hurley still weighing 400 lbs after being on an island for four months. Whatever. Although, the fact that his dad is Cheech does explain why he's so hungry all of the time.

Man, what else? Oh! I know, how about what the hell is that four toed statue foot about that we saw one time for about six seconds? Did a camel that wears flip flops found the island?

Come on dude, Sawyer misses Kate. Its been three years (Lost time, about 2 weeks Real Time) since she left, is that spark still there? God, I need to know! NOW! Have these two even banged yet? If so, I can't remember because its been three years (Real Time). So, would you rather know how they managed to move an entire island through time or if Sawyer gets to mack on Kate's cupcake. Unless there's a YouPorn spin-off here, I'm going with the prior as opposed to the later. You decide.

For a show with a pre-determined end date, I'm tired of being thrown around like a Taiwanese whore on Chinese New Year. Enough is enough already. It wouldn't be so bad if they dished a little batch of answers every now and then, but instead they choose to either:

A.) Throw some more people on the island

B.) Add some mysterious new aspect to the island like, oh, fucking time travel

C.) Sprinkle some crack on you while you're passed out with pants down and walk away

While I'm sure this formula has worked remarkably well for Lost addicts such as myself, I hope they realize that over a third of viewers have stopped watching because its just so damn confusing. Unfortunately, I'm in "sticking it out for the long run" group, because there is only a season and a half left, and I just need closure. Frankly, I'm surprised they haven't gotten Nic Cage to sign on to the show yet, since it seems like its right up his alley.

"You're fucking out. I'm fucking in."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: Kings of Leon - "Use Somebody"

A Quickie- BG

2009-02-24T22:38:00.001-05:00

There are a few reasons for this quickie, number 1 because I wanted to get Rhianna's morgue photo off the front post. God she must have really pissed him off to have gotten a beating like that. Second, I want to do to Nancy Pelosi, what Chris Brown did to Rhianna. I just got done watching our fearless leader address the nation about our floundering economy and Nancy Pelosi looked like she was blowing lines for hours before hand. She probably creamed herself 20 times in an hour and was so jumpy it was actually really embarrassing. She prematurely got up and obnoxiously clapped so many times, that I actually she thought she was going to hop over the bench and "service" Obama right there. Fortunately, Joe Biden was there to stop her or it would have been like Jenna Jameson in Come One, Come All: Part Deux. It was pathetic. She was soo excited, that even with all the botox injections, you saw her face move juuust a bit.

Why did the Celtics pick up Mikki Moore? We don't have enough average low post guys? I do not really know much about the guy, it just didn't seem necessary. If they are looking for a P.J. Brown type impact, I do not think they are going to find it. This move didn't bother me anymore once I saw this. This move makes me want to Rhianna-Size someone. (Too Soon?) Marbury is nothing more than a punk and I do not see a point. The guy has not played basketball in over a year, no guard is playing better than Rondo right now, and I love The House. For me, I would rather stay out of the Marbury drama. Let's just say I will not be first in line to buy my pair of Starbury's. I can look on the bright side though, at least we don't have Allen Iverson. Fewf!

Cuse beat St. John's tonight WOO HOO!! Providence beat Pitt tonight, which means that is going to be harder for Cuse to make the tourney. The B's beat the Panthers tonight 6-1. The Panthers would have been better off using the Bridget Moynahan defense and pulling their goaling. I honestly have not seen goaltending that bad since my days of pond hockey. We had empty nets! Big week of golf starts this week, as Tiger is back on the prowl. Do you think Tiger practiced his chipping and putting during the months he was hobbling around on one leg? Exactly. Glad to have golf back. Or as Lil' Wayne would probably put it "Tiger is the pistol to golf's holster". I leave you with those words of wisdom. Good night everyone and God bless.

Bruised and Battered - J

2009-02-20T10:22:00.000-05:00

That’s what Cashman would do to A-Rod if he could. I mean according to him A-Rod’s an asset, not even a human being. Anyway, I'm surprised with the lack of A-Rod discussion on this blog so let me put my two cents in. Regardless of how much you hate the Dominican, you have to feel bad for him. Yes he took steroids and has lost some respect by me as a Yankee fan. But hell, these days even talk show hosts are juicing up. I'll admit that he may not be telling the whole god honest truth, but at least he is doing what’s right and admitting it to the public. Yea Yea, I’m sure that’s what his crisis management team told him to do but at least he avoided the forsaken paths of Clemens and Bonds. As for people criticizing him reading off a paper, give the guy a break. As an ESPN stated, he is an athlete not a politician. He should not be expected to be able to give a flawless public speech without reading off a sheet, especially given the stress and nature of the situation. But enough of this chatter, I’m sure you all are sick of hearing about him as I am.

I’m going swing to politics for a second and discuss this controversial cartoon involving the crazy chimp and our black president. This cartoon is undoubtedly racist. A dead chimp and the police saying “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.” No matter what anyone says, the artist was referring to Mr. Obama as the dead chimp. Al Sharpton is already in an uproar and is probably on his way as we speak to burn down the offices of the New York Post. I mean I would expect this from a low key website, but the New York Post? I thought to myself, how the hell did this slip by into the paper? Apparently I didn’t know this guy was the editor of the Post, they clearly need to make some changes within.

Now let’s talk about the breathtaking NBA trades right before the deadline. Marion-O’Neal aside, you know it’s disappointing when the big trade is Salmons, Miller for Nocioni and a few other shmucks. I just feel bad for the Kings, they really are fucked. Every time they get a decent player, they trade them away. I’ll bet my left nut they won’t have a winning season in my lifetime. And Marion for O’Neal really isn’t a big deal to me either. O’Neal really hasn’t been relevant in the league in a long time yet GMs love to take a chance on this guy. Marion’s contract is expiring after this season and players never seem to enjoy playing in Canada, eh? So I’m guessing Marion will quit faster than Oprah on a diet plan. Not to mention Marion’s all about the money and the exchange rate will rob him of his next sports car. The knickerbockers made some moves that might not be groundbreaking, but they sure as hell put a smile on my face. Donnie Walsh managed to get rid of the $30 million dollar Fat Lard, also known as Jerome James around his immediate family. This guy was so pathetic that the one time he got playing time this season, the entire Knick bench got out of their seats and applauded him. Then there’s Malik Rose. The Knick’s team was so desperate last year that he would get significant minutes. Wiseman Isiah would rave about his “wisdom” and “experience” that he brought to the team. Hey Isiah….Go fuck yaself. You know you have problems when Malik is playing PF for you. Out of these trades we got Hughes and Wilcox. We didn’t solve any salary cap issues, but at least we got some players who can contribute right now.

Rematch vs. Nova this Sunday. Let’s pray Cuse plays better this time around. I look forward to a little drinking this weekend so I'll leave you with a quote from the Jersey Native Frank Sinatra. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

The Young and the Dumb -BG

2009-02-18T19:52:00.000-05:00

To start off I just want to briefly touch on this past weekend and then move on. The reason I don't want to spend a lot of time on it is because I frankly cannot put the pieces together. I cannot recap the game because I do not really know what happened. Cuse almost blew a 16 with 5 minutes left and should have lost, I do know that, but we didn't. College has not changed a bit and I cannot believe we used to do that, not just Friday and Saturday, but everyday. Everyone came back alive. I was going to say "almost" everyone, but I just spoke with Hagan and apparently he is still alive, so that should be everyone. Watch Fear and Loathing if you want to know why I was questioning his survival. Thank you to all the Delts who were such gracious hosts. Glad to see the house is back to normal and looking like shit. The new "tamed" look really was beginning to bother me.

I learned a three things while watching A-Roid bumble through that press conference. (1) A-Roid cannot act. That was the worst acting job since Mark Wahlberg in The Happening. Trust me it was that bad. I mean The Boras Group throws together this politician-esque speech, so easy that a blind kid could read it, he didn't even have to try. All he had to do was execute one simple acting move. After mentioning his teammates, the script read [Here you pretend to cry, make a couple sniffles, and couple streaming tears], and he failed. All he had to do is think about having sex with Madonna (or something equally as sad), that should be enough to make anyone cry. He couldn't do it. (2) A-Roid cannot do math and does not know his real age. He stated that in 2001-2003, he was a young 20-21 years old. He was actually 25-27. Really? You are giving us this phony press conference and you think we cannot do simple math? It doesn't surprise me though because I don't think anyone who is Dominican knows their real age anyway. Ask Miguel Tejada. And finally, (3) If you are a superstar professional athlete who just signed a 10-year $252 million dollar guaranteed contract, you are apparently young and dumb and probably should have not gone to the pros out of high school and gone to college. WHAT???? So you regret all the work that got you to that 10 year $252 million dollar contract? Weird. I'm so sick of hearing from this asshole. Also apparently he is gay and like she-male strippers, no joke.

The Bruins finally got a win a couple days ago against the Carolina Hurricanes f.k.a The Hartford Whalers a.k.a The Whale. Did you know they retired Glen Wesley's jersey? That would be like the Red Sox retiring Mike Greenwell's jersey. He was a solid player, popular with the fans, but to retire his jersey? I guess it is Carolina. Jake Delhomme might still have a shot, even after that atomic crap that he took in the NFC Divisional Playoff game. The thing about the B's is they have a very balanced attack. They can score, they play the best neutral zone defense in league, (with the possible exception of the Devils), they have great Goal tending, but they seem to go into these funks in their own end. Usually they are great in their own end and Chara should win the Norris, but they have these lapses where they are allowing teams to set up 5 on 5 and pepper Tim Thomas for consecutive shifts. This has killed them in some games. With teams like Washington, if you allow them to set up for a second, they will score and it could be the turning point in the game. But they have the most points in the NHL and would have home ice advantage throughout the playoffs if the season ended today. My only critique thus far, is they need KG type intensity all game long.

(Speaking of KG: Please tell me you saw him ruin Craig Sager. No, no, you BURN IT!)

A quick American Idol tangent. I do not like this year so far. I don't like the new format, there is a lack of any standout so far and there has been some of the worst performances I have ever seen. Now it is just the first week, but already my dreams have been crushed. This girl has been eliminated. Her rendition of "Everything Little She Does is Magic" was worse than AIDS. The good news for girls like Casey, is that if the whole swimsuit modeling thing doesn't work out, there is always porn. She wouldn't even need a name. Casey Carlson, I can see her and Evan Stone now. Danny Gokey, should be in the Top 5, that's all I know. Scott Macintyre, the blind kid, has got to wear sunglasses or get a haircut. The blank stare and the jew-fro haircut is giving me nightmares. Call me insensitive, but you watch him sing and tell me that's not just a little freaky. And he good too! and a great kid, so I keep watching him. Shades or a haircut? Who Ya Got?

That about wraps it up. Cuse plays Nova this weekend. C's return from the break tonight against the worst named team in NBA history, The Utah Jazz. And I am heading to NYC. Have a good weekend everyone.

New Haircut. Same Attitude. -TOMP

2009-02-16T18:21:00.000-05:00

Don't try and trick me Allen Iverson, I see right through this new image you're rocking. In case you missed it, A.I. got a chance to start for the East this past weekend in the NBA's All-Star Extravaganza. Now, I don't know if Dome Nation is familiar with what usually goes into making it to the NBA's midseason party, but generally it's a right reserved for players that are making a contribution to their team where everybody plays better as opposed to worse.

The Detroit Pistons are on the verge of a complete collapse. They have been getting sand bagged left & right for poor coaching, a bleak playoff hope for June and most of all, the reoccurring nightmare that is the Iverson for Billups trade. Not only did A.I. get a chance to represent the demise of Detroit basketball, but also got to START THE GAME.

To give some sort of perspective on this, I'll turn to MTV. This is the equivalent of 'The City' making a move to trade Whitney back to 'The Hills' for L.C., Holly Montag's expiring contract & cash considerations, only to find that L.C.'s 15 minutes have officially expired and that Whitney has become a crafty vet who brings some new sex appeal and fan fair back to The Hills. This, while The City crashes and burns, ends up a 6 seed in the reality TV playoffs and suffers an embarrassing first round loss to 'Bromance.' Yeah, it's that bad. At least I don't have to sit around half naked with 4 other guys in a hot tub to watch the 'Stons lose.

You may wonder what grounds do I have for making such a drastic comparison. In Iverson's defense he was always one of the premier scorers in the NBA, and you would think that ability could really benefit a team like the Pistons, who don't really have any players who can slash to the basket. Well, here are 3 reasons why A.I. should never have even been considered for the All-Star team:

He sucks. He's averaging a career low in points & assists after 12 years in the NBA. He also averaged more points per game during both of his years at Georgetown.
Can you say defensive liability? There are probably two people who Iverson can guard one on one. Jason Kidd & a lamp post. I have no idea how the hell he managed to win not one, but TWO Big East DEFENSIVE Player of the Year awards. (This is on the same level of hearing that Jean-Claude Van Damme won a Golden Globe and an Oscar for his portrayal of Guile in the movie, Street Fighter. In Van Damme's defense, maybe no one told him that Guile is supposed to be an American, not a short tempered wife beater and rapist.) Iverson has quick hands, which are great for steals, but when you're only 6 feet tall and go for one every four seconds, you're prone to look like Eddie House at any moment.
He went to Georgetown. Please, the Hoyas just got smacked around in the Dome. No props there.

I'm just sick of this. Honestly. I may become a Knicks fan. At least then I can expect constant disappointments.

Random Notes From The Last Few Days:

-Friday the 13th came out on Friday the 13th. Only its not 1980 anymore and no one cares that a kid drowned in a lake. A 29% rating (this could change) on Rotten Tomatoes. Congratulations on making a movie slightly better than Paul Blart: Mall Cop. This series definitely should have concluded after Chapter Eight.

-Let me get this straight. I can watch animal rape on YouTube, but I can't watch human porn or SNL sketches?

-Lindsay Lohan's a bit slutty? Did the sun rise this morning too?

-Chris Brown is upset that he Hit Rhianna around. Well, clearly not as upset as he was whenever he decided to smack her up in the first place.

-Well, looks like Kate Moss is goin' on another coke bender.

-So, it looks like 'Dancing With The Stars' is getting a little desperate. They recently had this man agree to be a part of the show. Frankly this is astonishing to me as I watched a video of this dude take 5 shots of vodka through an IV. This really does not feel like ABC material.

"You're fucking out. I'm fucking in."

No Finish-BG

2009-02-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

Many basketball arenas, mostly college, have lame marketing schemes in between timeouts or between halves/quarters. Usually it is a "competition" between two athletically incompetent people falling all over themselves trying to complete a task that is easier than counting to 3. The reason I bring this up is because there is one event where there are different marked spots that one has to shoot from on the court. One directly under the basket, one in the middle of the paint, the free throw, the three point line, and then usually you win a months supply of Subway if you hit the half court shot. Gee, thanks a lot. My question to all of you is, how many shots would it take Arinze Onuaku or Rick Jackson to simply attempt the three point shot? 20? 50? Would the janitor have to come in and say "hey kids, I want to go home and drink myself to sleep, hurry the hell up!!"? I mean Stanley Stumblestein from ISUCK, NY would probably make it to the three point line in 10 shots. Sean McDonough informed us that Arinze was 1 for his last 22 from the charity stripe. I will say that again 1 FOR FUCKING 22. I used to get made fun of playing pickup basketball because I could only make 5 of 10. At least I was 50%. This team just has an un-canny ability not to finish. Whether its under the basket or at the free throw line. I have never seen anything like it.

I am also pleading with TV crews to STOP comparing Paul Harris to Lebron James. I know you are talking about his physique, I know, but he doesn't. Paul must be taking this to heart because on the offensive end he is starting to TRY and play like Lebron. Key word in that sentence would be try (hence all caps). Anyway, he puts the ball on the floor with authority, drives, and then does one of three things:

(A) tries to to dunk then turns the ball over
(B) Just straight turns the ball over or
(C) dishes to Rick or Arinze and they turn it over

Please learn how to finish. I am begging you. I like Paul and when Paul does finish it is a thing of beauty, but it's too few and far between.

You noticed the blog below about Kristof Ongenaet a.k.a The Belgian Waffle. The top three athletes to hail from Belgium are Kim Clijsters, Justine Henin, and Kristof Ongenaet. Who are the other two? Exactly. I got to be honest, I really didn't like him last year and that is because he had to play so much because of the Devendorf/Rautins injuries. And too many waffles can make you sick. Didn't your mom tell you that? No? Moving on. I also didn't like him because I am pretty sure he has been taking Rautins to his hair stylist and European "I am going to cry everytime I hit the deck" School. But he has come off the bench now and he (gulp, I cannot believe I am saying this) provides (oh god) a DEFENSIVE SPARK! For a bench guy to have 8 boards, 3 steals, and 3 blocks is huge. Especially from a waffle. Look, any defense on this team is welcomed and if you could pull anything away from this game, its that we looked better on the defensive end. Another good thing about The Waffle, is if we get into a fight and he has half the fighting skills of this fellow Belgian, we will not lose that fight.

A large group of us are going back to Syracuse for the Cuse-GTown game this weekend. I am sure the stories will be flowing in next week if we make it back alive. I apologize to those of you don't give a fuck about SU Basketball, but there is not much going on in sports right now except college hoops and I am not writing about another team. C's and B's blogs will be coming as the playoffs approach. I will throw in some pop culture blogs from time to time to please the women in the crowd a.k.a Morgan. We are still feeling this out, be patient and look for new shit next week. Stay Classy.

P.S. Arinze or Rick, if you read this, check this out. I will give you a pass for not making free throws if you can do this for me. Thanks.

The Dome Factor Is Officially A Fan Of Kristof Ongenaet

2009-02-11T19:21:00.000-05:00

TDF would like to officially announce the sleeper of the year in D1 NCAA Basketball. That's right, it's Kristof Ongenaet, AKA, The Belgian Waffle. Maybe you missed the presence of the swift hustle player, but we guarantee the opposition has game planned for his tenacious demeanor. We're talking about a guy who decided to block Hasheem Thabeet. In case you didn't know, Thabeet is the equivalent of a 7 foot, 3 inch dildo. Yeah, he's massive & has no balls, but that didn't stop Ongenaet from saying, "Lights out motha' fucka'." after he stuffed his ass in the 'Cuse UConn match-up. It was impressive. Trust us.

Watch out Big (B)East, you've got a 6th man right on your heels ready to domiante.

Just Who Is Karl Malone? -M.Tomp

2009-02-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

Karl Malone. What do you think of when you hear that name? A two time MVP winner? That's certainly not what comes to my mind. The second all-time scoring leader in NBA history? Hard to believe, but I doubt anyone really thinks of that when thinking about the Mailman.

(Speaking of, "The Mailman"; does any nickname make less sense than that? I mean Stockton was the guy delivering the ball to this guy for 15 years, you think he'd of gotten some better recognition then being Short Shorts Stockton.) Ok, what about Karl Malone, loving father & NBA champion? Well, considering he never won the Larry O'Brien trophy and the fact that he didn't acknowledge that Cheryl Ford was his daughter until she was famous, I'd have to go with a subtle 'no' on both counts here.

As it turns out, Karl Malone is an insult to the NBA. Not because he wasn't an all around good teammate or someone who didn't play his ass off on both sides of the floor. No, sir. I think you'll gain my perspective on Karl from a little collection of highlights put together. Now, at first glance, this may all seem pretty standard for a Utah fan's idea of how sweet Karl Malone was. But the truth is Karl did a stellar job of hiding the most obvious flaw in his game. The man could barely slam dunk the rock.

I mean what the hell is up with that? Even when he does dunk, its some flimsy one hander that I'm pretty sure I saw a couple years ago on an elite college basketball team. Seriously, this is a 6'9 power forward who won TWO MOST VALUABLE PLAYER AWARDS! You're telling me he couldn't dunk a basketball? Even a guy over a foot shorter than Karl could do this nonsense.

I'm boycotting Karl Malone for this travesty. Forget about a bid to the hall of fame Karl; it's over.

Searching for Philly Cheese Steak- BG

2009-02-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

From a sports perspective this weekend did not go so well for me. It started on Thursday with an embarrassing Celtics loss and continued on Saturday with a Syracuse loss to Villanova. A loss in which they gave up a 102 points and the phrase "defense" had no meaning once again. More on that in a bit. The B's losing to the Flyers at home in OT, capped off a pretty miserable day sports wise for me and I was in enemy territory the whole time. That's right I was in Philadelphia, home of the famous "Philly Cheese Steak". I set out with a goal of indulging in a nice Philly Cheese Steak because they are supposedly the best. You come to New England you try the chowder, you go to Buffalo you try the wings and when you go to Philly you have to try the cheese steak. The following is a first hand account of my weekend filled with partying, sporting events, and of course the quest for the Philly Cheese Steak.

Friday morning began like any other morning. I got up, got in the shower, but today I didn't go to work, I went to the bus terminal. I had 6 hours of total bus time ahead of me. I was first traveling to NY to meet my girlfriend, Morgan, and then the two of us were headed to Philly to meet her sister. The first 4 hours to NYC were not bad. I had rented two movies on iTunes to watch on my ipod, the only problem was that I could not get that awful image out of my head of, Sasha Vuja-Bitch and the llama a.k.a Pau Gasol celebrating on the parquet floor. There is no way even a Lakers fan can like Vuja-bitch, right? Vuja-Bitch thinks he's important, so apparently now he won't wear green anymore. Words cannot describe how much I hate this guy so I am just going to stop. As far as that game went it is pretty simple. They got outplayed. They were lucky to even go into OT because the Lakers were awful from the line. Anytime you have Big Baby Davis taking critical 18 foot jump shots you need to draw up a new game plan. Everyone around the team and in the Boston print media keeps talking about Big Baby's "growing confidence" with his jumper. Who is giving him confidence? Where is he getting this magical confidence? You know in middle school when you were at a school dance and you were dancing with a chick? Suddenly, you get a boner and the only thing you can do is stick out your ass a little bit, because you do not want brush it up against her? Well that is what Glen Big Baby Davis' jump shot looks like. The Boner Jump Shot. Its embarrassing, but maybe that is his "Growing" confidence (pun intended).

Anyhow, back to the bus ride. My feel good movie of the year so far is Eagle Eye starring Shia LaBeouf and Michelle Monaghan. Its a little far fetched, but the leading movie at the Oscars this year is about a guy who ages backwards, so who cares if its far fetched. Its got good action scenes, a good plot, and the ending makes you feel like you have accomplished something by watching the movie. The only reason I bring this up is to answer one question. Michelle Monaghan is hot, right? I am sure everyone has seen The Office where they debate the merits of Hillary Swank. I think it might be time to start debating Michelle Monaghan. I cannot tell. In movies like Mission Impossible III she is hot, but in Gone Baby Gone and Eagle Eye she is so-so. Remember it is not whether you would do her, its is she hot? The other movie I watched was the movie College, which was beyond awful. It was way more far fetched than Eagle Eye, mainly because this smokeshow wanted to jump this fat kid's bones the entire movie. If these two were the last humans on earth in real life, she would hump trees or horses instead of this kid. Inexplicable.

We finally arrived in the Land O' Chez Steak at 6pm Friday evening. Morgan's sister Ali picked us up and we headed out to Villanova for a night of partying at Villanova.

(Side Note: The worst designed road in the history of mankind is I-76 going out of Philly. Upon driving on it for a couple days I immediately called for the road designer's arrest and subsequent execution. I was quickly informed that due to the large number of problems/complaints with the road, that the man actually killed himself some time ago. So I got my wish, sort of. I will now make my reservations in hell.)

We showed up at the home of four beautiful young college coeds. If I say anything else I will get castrated, so I'm moving on. I was informed that we were going to this BYOB sushi place at 8pm. Naturally, the down side with going out with 5 girls and only 1 other guy is that we did not get to the restaurant until closer to 9pm and the line was out the door to get in. Scratch that idea. Instead we went to this Mediterranean BYOB place across the street. I new the moment that we walked in something was going to be off, because while everyone was about 25 years older than us and had one bottle of wine for their tables, we walked in with a 30 of Natty Light and a massive jug of white Carlo Rossi. Saying that we got only a couple looks would be a very large understatement. Throw in the fact that the Kabob/Rice combo meal tasted like large slim jims covered in sulfur, you could say dinner sucked.

To wash the taste out of my mouth, I drank my fair share of Natty Light at dinner. I am not going to try and be like that homo Tucker Max and say I drank a handle of Jack and a 30 rack while getting blown at dinner, but I was feeling good. We showed up a pregame party and this apartment made my old fraternity house look like the Sistine Chapel. It was that bad. The kids were actually really cool and I met this one kid who I swear was my friend Gumby 2.0. This kid was about 6 feet tall 140 pounds soaking wet. He was hammered and was physically a wreck. His hand was clearly broken in multiple places, he had a gash across his nose, and a fierce black eye. I asked him what the hell happened and he proceeds to tell me that 3 days ago him and his friend set up a ring and bare knuckle boxed each other for no reason other than so people could place bets. He could only hold a beer with two fingers because the others were not functional. When I told him that he should probably get that checked out he simply replied, "I'll be fine. You only live once." I didn't and still do not know what he meant by that, but god bless him. We went out to a few bars and the night ended with me sleep walking all over the house holding a full body mirror that I had lifted off the wall and was threatening to smash it on the ground. All in all it was a good night. Villanova catches a bad rap sometimes and they call it Villa-No-Fun. People also compare it to BC, probably because they are both Jesuit schools. From my one experience there I completely disagree, I had a blast.

*CHEESE STEAK UPDATE* At this point in my trip I have still not had, smelt, or even seen a cheesesteak. I haven't really given Philly a chance yet, but I better get one tomorrow. If Philly keeps it up, its going right up there with Newark, NJ as the worst places that I have ever been.

Saturday we woke up early because we had to be at the Wachovia Center (25 min away) by Noon in time for tip off. This was suppose to be a good game to watch. When I saw that Nova was favored by 8 points, I almost sulfur slim jim'ed my pants and placed a bet Cuse +8. Again this game was an easy game to pick apart. Everyone say it with me: The Syracuse Orange cannot play defense! Villanova took what was given to them a.k.a 102 points. Jim Boeheim is also partially to blame. Villanova is a jump shooting team and they do not have much of an inside game. The way you beat the patented Jimmy B zone is by shooting over it from behind the arc and by getting the ball to the free throw line and hit open jumpers. Well I wonder if it was after Dante Cunningham's 11th or 12th made 18 footer that Jimmy B probably started to regret his choice of zone. On the flip side, Syracuse only has 2 1/4 defenders. Johnny Flynn and Paul Harris attempt to play defense and Arinze Onauku, when healthy, is half a defender. He wasn't healthy, so he becomes a quarter of a real defender. Hence the 2 1/4 total team defenders. When your other decent defender is Kristof Ongenaet a.k.a The Belgium Waffle, you suck defensively and probably shouldn't be playing man either. You might as well put scare crows out there for Rautins, Devendorf, and Jackson. You are screwed either way. This team can score with the best of them, 82 points should get you a win, but until they learn to play D, I see them struggling to make the tourney.
(Side Note on Rautins: Andy's first four shots went like this: airball, airball, side rim, and backboard no rim. He cannot play defense, he doesn't dribble drive, and he apparently thinks that he is European with the stupid fo-hawk thing going on. Clean it up dude. Your only use is your three point shooting, so maybe daddy Leo needs break out the burlap sack from your childhood and start beating you with reeds until you hit 100 three pointers in row like he did when you were little)

*CHEESESTEAK UPDATE* I don't know if I forgot to mention this, but I was pretty wasted the entire game and afterwards we went to the Philly McFadden's, which is attached to the Phillies Stadium. The McFadden's in Philly blows the Boston one out of the planet, not just the water, the planet. Anyway, to get a table was an hour and half. I asked if I could just get a cheesesteak and they said "Sorry sir, you must be seated at a table." To this I promptly replied, "I hate you" and walked away. Still no Cheesesteak.

We go back to the hotel, great place by the way, the Club Quarters. They have one is almost every major city and if you say you are with Deutsche Bank or Morgan Stanley or something like that they cut your rate almost in half. It was great. I have had a great time with my girlfriend's family and there friends, but so far its been pretty miserable sporting wise. The one bright spot was finding out A-Rod is in fact A-Roid. This really isn't a shock to me and it should not be to anyone else. I just hate A-Rod as much as anyone in baseball and this just validates my point even more. The real question should be whether his girlfriend, Madonna, was taking them too.

(Speaking of the Yankees, frauds, and pansies, if you haven't read this story about Roger Clemens' pre game ritual, this is a must read. Joe Torre and Tom Verducci are doing possibly the best job of marketing I have ever seen. I guess if you just completely sell your dignity and trust, than you can indeed prosper.)

*THE CHEESESTEAK FINALE* We go back out to Nova for dinner, but even when we got back to Philly at 11 I said to Morgan, I am getting a cheesesteak. We get off the train in the middle of Philly. The middle of Philly, walk 5 blocks to our hotel and did not see one pizza place, restaurant or bar. The place was quieter than a funeral. All I saw were homeless people strewn all over the place. It was so dead, they were not even begging for change. I wake up the next morning and get to the airport. Its 9:45am and I see a big food court in the terminal. Finally, I am going to get to try a Philly cheesesteak. Nope. They have a Sbarro, an Asian Walk, a wine bar, and a Jimmie's hot dogs. I was pissed. I finally got a shitty cheesesteak already packaged from one of the airport convenience stores out of pure principle. It tasted like rubber and it went through me in less than 15 minutes. I was defeated. I left Philly with cheesesteak blue balls, unsatisfied and emotionally hurt. Anyhow, the sports complex and Villanova were fun, but the city itself sucks. No wonder everyone there is miserable. I am getting tired and this blog has gone on way too long. And by the way I am still searching for Philly Cheesesteak.

Garden Shenanigans - J

2009-02-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

So after attending the Lebron Garden Performance, I can honestly say that it was the most entertaining live basketball game I have ever watched. The game was so overhyped because of Kobe’s unconscious performance just two nights before. No matter what Lebron said before the game, this dude had aspirations in his mind to outdo his competitor. I’d say over 25% of the fans in the arena were there to cheer on the King. All throughout the national anthem, there were groups of drunken bafoons shouting out his name. I even saw a few Lebron knick jerseys which I wanted to tear off and then proceed hit the fugazy in the face for insulting the human race. Anyway, the King’s mission became very apparent in the first quarter when Lebron was given more isolation plays than his previous 3 games combined (source of this stat unknown). By the end of the first he had 20, and everyone in the crowd was talking about breaking the record. Then after a few poor shots, James starting sharing the ball with the Wally Szherbiak and the rest of the jamoakes on the Cavs, resulting in only having 26 at the half.

On a more important note, the Italian Rookie Gallinari has become a crowd favorite of late. He is one goofy looking kid and puts up less than 10 points a game, but there is some bond that fans have to white players. Its like it’s a miracle that they can compete in the NBA and they are some sort of child prodigy. I found myself screaming “the rooster!” at the top of my lungs everytime he scored. It’s the same way I felt when I was growing up following Jason Williams’ AKA “white chocolates” career.

There were a number of celebs in the crowd as you can imagine whom they showed on the big screen. You had Ciara, Mel B from the spice girls, Joe, Whoopi, the entire rangers team, and Chris Rock. Now before they introduced Chris Rock, they had a little segment on the big screen where the Knicks players voted who was funnier, Chris Rock or Chris Tucker? Are you fucking kidding me? Chris Tucker better pray they make a rush hour 4 or he’ll never see another penny from Hollywood again unless he decides to start doing h-bombs and lands a gig on celebrity rehab. The sad thing was the vote was actually close. Lets just say I was extremely disappointed with my favorite teams’ comedic tastes. Then Adam Yauch from the Beastie Boys is displayed and lets just say he’s not looking like a rap star these days. I love the Beastie Boys to death, but their “Time to get Ill” has clearly expired. I’m sorry but rappers with all grey hair just don’t do it for me. I’d feel like a man desperately trying to relive his past by going to one of their shows now.

Anyway, that’s slightly off topic so let me get back to the game. In the second half, Lebron scored the most casual 26 points. His shots were dispersed and he never seemed to dominate at any point of the game. He was more focused on getting his team involved and only took shots when necessary. It seemed as if he wouldn’t come close to Kobe’s record but when I looked up at the scoreboard, he was about the break fifty. I will tell you that if Lebron was actually looking for the shot like he did in the first quarter, he would have easily surpassed Kobe’s record. But he pulled off a triple double while scoring 52 points, which is much more impressive anyway. After the game as usual, he says that this is favorite place to play, so one can only hope he’ll leave the forsaken sports city of Cleveland and come to New York. Until then I got the Italian and Nate the Great to cheer for. Enjoy the weekend and make sure to watch the Syracuse vs. Villanova game on Saturday.

Time to Pull a Peter Frampton and Come Alive! -M.Tomp

2009-02-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

Ladies & Gentlemen the road to the NBA finals evidently goes through TD BankNorth Garden tonight as the Lakers meet in an epic skirmish vs. the Celtics of Boston. Now, by all counts I see this game as a dead even match up. You've got Kobe vs. Paul Pierce and 4 other guys on each team that can only play one side of the ball. One team is littered with brilliantly skilled European players headlined by Pau Gasol and this jamoke. The other is filled with underperforming, undersized, overutilized little big men headlined by Big "I really do love to cry" Baby. I love the league. So, for some reason the Cs are favored by 6.5 points, which is a real whopper for a casual regular season friendly match up. Frankly, I think its absurd, almost as absurd as this recent promotion. Sure, this could be a blowout for Boston, but highly doubt it. But with that said, I suppose anything is possible.

Now, I may not be from Boston, but I've quickly picked up on how passionate the fans can be around the New England area. I think the biggest realization is that this frenzy of support isn't really built around supporting the local team, but bashing the living shit out of whomever they are playing. Its really quite interesting and hope to outline this thought a variety of posts dealing with the turmoil that is the Boston sports scene.

Welcome to the world of one, Matthew Torres; more commonly referred to (by myself & others) as Marty McFly or The One Man Party. Based on that image alone, you can tell that I have quite the fan base and can ball out of control. I swear. My background is scattered seeing as how I'm not really from anywhere, but I do like to consider myself a Michigander, but that's just a start. I have ties to Texas, South Carolina, Central New York, Pittsburgh and some other random places. Being part of a mixed ethnicity (a little white, mostly Cuban) I think it justifies my support of various organizations in various parts of the country. First and foremost, I root for America's Team, the Dallas Cowboys. I was living in the grand state of Texas when they won their three amazing super bowls in the 90s and I have been hooked ever since. Both of my parents attended The U and I have paid attention to every game they have played except the 2003 Fiesta Bowl, which was fabricated to give the Big Ten(11) some sort of sense of pride in the 21st century.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Michigan fan, just not when this is happening. As for the league, I have always and will always support the 'Stons. Part of Detroit Basketball, which is the shit. Especially this man, who will absolutely dominate you and your favorite NBA player. Yes, I realize they're going through some turmoil right now, when it turns out the guy you pay $20 million a year for, blows more ass, then, well some other people that do that. Oh, did I mention the guy whose started there the last 6 years makes half the money and only averages 1 point less coming off the bench? GO FIGURE! So, I'm a little bitter on that front, but hey, when the playoffs come around, everything can change baby.

We'll see where things go from here, I'm not expecting too much out of this Lakers, Celtics game thats about to start. If I had to make one prediction, it would be Pau Gasol going for a near triple double effort while Kobe scores around 47 points, and Eddie House will probably drop 25 just to spite me. Lets see how it pans out. We'll call it the TOMP special of the night.

Why I Oughtta! - Senator

2009-02-04T14:22:00.000-05:00

G'day mate, Ah we in England? Just kidding, blogging from the misery that is a low income town in a crumby production building in Northern Jersey, the Embroidery Capital of the World. As you can already tell, this is a dude's blog for a real dude's dude, chya know? What I can bring to the table is a taste of culture, cuisine, and possibly even a story from my troubled childhood that could make even Dirty Harry crack a smile. Born and raised in the mean streets of a coastal town about 20 minutes north of "The Hub" my sporting affinity goes to the red and blue of Red Sox and Patriots as well as the Celts and Bruins. I won't get too much into the MLS right now but go Revs while I have your attention. Oftentimes I find my love of sports being questioned, but fear not sports fans, I love the stuff. Can't get enough of it. Why do you think I wear under armor under my shirt and tie to work or midrange athletic socks with my loafers? Okay Einstein, I will tell you, it's so I can get my swell on right after because I'm always wondering what I can do to make myself the ultimate threat on any sporting platform. Therefore, I am constantly pouring muscle milk in my Special K and working on my agility by torturing myself with plyometrics (spelling? - F it). But anywho, I am sure I could bore you with trivial facts from the 2004 World Series or 2003 NCAA Basketball Championship, but what good would that do? Instead, like have already said and will continue to say, I want to broaden everyone's horizons as to mold this audience into a more well-rounded lover of sports and the high life. My blogsperience dates back to Spring 2008 when I started my own sports blog. However, after realizing that I had a much larger responsibility to myself and my peers, I felt the need to stretch the boundaries of said blog to encapsulate all that I love and know in this world - pretty much everything. That's why I am sometimes referred to as the All-Knowing-Ass (that never happened). However, I did find $5 on the ground. So, I said I could give a funny story so I will and I hope you enjoy it. If you do not enjoy it, so be it and good riddance. If you do enjoy it then you can answer the question of, "Who Shotchya," with --> The Senator Did and It Really Hurt.

My Life As A Character On the Office

If you don't know what the Office is, go F yaself. Everyone else, gather round while Uncle Greg tells you a story of triumph, adversity, and success. I recently started a sales gig at a non-profit agency in a Northern New Jersey ghetto and try to get towns to contract janitorial, security, and recycling work with us. However, this is no easy task and there are a lot of political issues that need to be considered. Bad thing for me, I don't read, I hate politics, and couldn't care less about the greater good because C.R.E.A.M. Yet, it's not the coffee or 5-hour energy shots that get me up everyday and excited for work, nor is it the 1000 crunches I do to boost my metabolism. The driving factor besides my bruised Corolla that brings me to "The Center" is the amazing people with whom I am fortunate to interact.

1. Baby Ruth - dark chocolate exterior and short in stature (just shy of my waistline). I used to share an office with her before I feared getting my knee-caps bitten off. She is ridiculous, has corn-rows, tig ole bitties, and wears "normal people" coats as a long trench coat for her vertically challenged self. One day a job coach was walking by and asked, "where's Ruthy?" To my dismay, I silently nodded my head to my left and tried to do everything humanly possible to not laugh..."Oh, I didn't see you there!" Seriously Joe? A little un-PC, but what a moment it was for everyone. Because I was still being orientated to the organization, it hit me harder than it did my supervisors. INCIDENT 2 - Baby Ruth was out sick and payroll needed to get finished. Her nimble hands are no match for automated payroll and we really needed her so a contract manager said he would pick her up. I overheard the last bit of the conversation because I did not want to seem rude and get caught eavesdropping. It went like this, "Aight, just hold up a flag so I know it's you!" Please, a little discretion next time so I don't have an ulcer from laughing so hard, Thanks.

2. The IT guy - this is me. I am a 22 year old recent college graduate. The closest person to me in age in my business sector is 55. Needless to say, I find myself trying to fit in a little too hard and say such catch phrases as, "It'll be a gas" or "You're just a chip off the old block." Anywho, one day the Vice President asked of me to make a table on Word for him. Let's be serious, it was lunch time and my stomach was grumbling so I had to go but I said I would have it done for him later that day. Within an hour I had made a pretty sweet organizational chart and corresponding table of values. He loved it, let's be serious. I thought that would be the end of my techonological responsiblities at "the center" for a while. However, he boasted and bragged about my attention to detail, the italics, the bold, the cell widths...before 3pm I had been dubbed the IT guy for my great skills with MS Office. Okay, I have a nickname, it's not "Ace" or "Puke" but I'll take it and maybe with his old age, he'll forget. Well, at a county presentation later that night, the mayor's powerpoint went to shit and there was a lot of dead air. Well, the VP sitting next to me made it a point to nudge me with his elbow, point his finger above my head to signal to everyone, "We should've had the IT guy take care of this." Embarrassed, No. Delighted, meh. But seriously, it's fucking MS Word, get used to it.

3. The Other Small Person - I'm not sure his name or where he comes from, BUT, there is another midget where I work. Everyday at 8:30 AM (I show up right on time just so I can get a glimpse of this) this blind man who stands not taller than a yardstick hops each of the 38 steps to the office area upstairs. There is an elevator but he is just so independent and needs a good quad workout that he hops the steps one-by-one and then moves onto his below-minimum-wage-paying job as a production worker. The kicker though comes at 3 PM everyday when he repells down the aforementioned 38 steps. One by one, there is a thud...thud...thud...Well, you get the picture. The first day I heard the pounding of human flesh (that sounded dirty) down the stairs I had to casually see what was happening. Sure enough, the same little guy was bouncing down each individual step on his rear-end and boy was I impressed.

Well, that is just a small taste of a regular Tuesday afternoon for this guy. There will be more to come every now and again to share a story or my take on life as I see it. Thanks for listening.