It's the NBA. They're Free Agents. Where They At? -TOMP

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeed. You will be missed. By this guy. Greatly.

So, it's that time of year. The summer is on, there are no sports worth watching and the NBA draft is over. Time to find out where the real talent lies. If there's one thing that the NBA knows, it's that Free Agents make or break a team like David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar.

The plan here is to sort out the real ballers in free agency this year. Not just what they bring to the table, but where they want to end up, versus where they will actually end up. Many will tell you this is nearly impossible to predict. I'm here to tell you, I know it all. Lets get this list started....

Number 1:

Carlos Boozer & Mehmet Okur

What they bring to the table? Absolutely nothing. Both pussied out of entering free agency. You know what we call that? A Shaun Livingston. I'm talking career ending injuries this season.

Where they should end up? Okur would have been a brilliant fit with the Charlotte Bobcats. Under reaching, tons of potential and that bitch ass, 'I should have gotten that call' face.

Boozer, gee. "If the Pistons don't sign me, I'm screwed." Yeah, you douchebag. Enjoy fucking over the Jazz like you did Cleveland. You can't make money if you don't try asshole.

Where they will end up: Nowhere. They're in Utah, opting out of effort. Enjoy the tight women and weak beer. It's like prohibition. Only for eternity.

Number 2:

Hedo Turkoglu

What he brings to the table? Well, he does bring you versatility to 3 starting positions. Despite BG beliefs, the guy can actually play the 1 or 4 to a decent degree of effectiveness. 3 point shooting, consistency and validation of the ugliness of the Turkish race is what he's loaded with.

Where he should end up? Orlando really is a good spot for this guy. They have one real ball handler and an assload of three point shooters who can barely rebound. They've got the pieces together now, and Hedo has been part of the Magic (pun intended). It would seem that they'd be an offensive powerhouse if he stuck around. Although, he could opt for more money, go to Sacramento, and be working as a blackjack dealer for the Maloofs in under 5 years. Promise, baby, promise.

Where he will end up: Portland. Guess what, Hedu. No one wants to pay some dude $10 million who can't really play a single position. SUCKA!

Number 3:

Ben Gordon

What he brings to the table? Streaky shooting, a crappy attitude and a bench player

Where should he end up? Please, Gordon has got Knicks/Run & Gun written all over him.

Where he will end up: What better way to compliment 4 guards that you already have then to bring another cocky prick to the table. Congratulations Joe Dumars & the Detroit Pistons. Allen Iverson 2.0, only he tries less, produces more and plays just as good of defense. I can't fucking wait.

Number 4:

Trevor Ariza & Lamar Odom

What they bring to the table? These two have a lot of similarities, such as three point shooting, athleticism, match up difficulties, smart defensive play and a real feel for the game. The problem? One tries, and the other tries when he eats candy.

Where should they end up? Both should end up back in LA, to assure the championship team still has it's fire for the 09-10 season.

Where they will end up: Well, Ariza guaranteed himself big money, and you gotta think the Lakers are gonna want someone who got better throughout the year to compliment the dominant Gasol/Bynum inside game, and Trevor looks like their man. Then there's Lamar. Hey, at least URI got on the map for a little while, right? Enjoy some terrible team with a lot of free money. You tried as hard every night as Tim Donaghy.

Number 5:

Anderson Varejao

What he brings.... Oh, wait. We don't discuss a no talent ass clowns that cost LeBron his 2nd title in 3 seasons? My bad, the D-League awaits. Or the Ringling Brothers. Go fuck yourself.

Number 6:

Rasheed (don't you fucking look me over) Wallce

What he bring to the table? How about everything? Shooting, defense, rebounding, three pointers, an absurd low block game, free throws and oh, the most loved personality (amongst teammates) in the league.

Where should he end up? San Antonio has 'Sheed written all over it. Veteran leadership, a solid team and an amazing coach. You know what 'Sheed loves? Kicking ass, taking names and winning. The only place where he can be a dynamically effective starter and have a legit shot at a championship is the Spurs.

Where he will end up: It's destined that 'Sheed will join the Celtics. He knows I'm his biggest fan, he opted to come to Detroit and win the 'Stons a fucking sweet championship (God, that was sweet), and he without a doubt is ready to finish his years in front of my eyes. With KG and The Truth, I just can't see a reason why this wouldn't be the great show on Earth. Signing a one year deal is the route to take, so he can play with little Rajon and facilitate the rest of the team with his awareness. Oh, and you know who 'Sheed loves? KG. Lets fucking make it happen.

Ok, Here Are Some Other Douchebags to Keep Your Eye On:

Ron Artest (seriously, this guy has skills. Huge fan.), Channing Frye, Antonio McDyess, Chris Anderson, Marquis Daniels (another diamond in the rough), Grant Hill (37 years old and top 20 in PER for SFs. No reason not to sign him), Ronald 'Flip' Murray (great role player, not sure why you wouldn't sign him), Joe Smith, Brandon Bass, Bobby Jackson, Rodney Cardney, Jason Collins, Rasho Nesterovic and Juwan Howard.

If You Thought That Was Bad...

Charlie Villanueva, Drew Gooden, Sean May, Robert Swift, Dahntay Jones, Sheldon Williams (Candace will make more), Desmond Mason, Wally Szczerbiak, Gerald Green and Miki Moore.