This is Alex. Alex had Bitch Tits- BG

Yet another story in the Alex Rodriquez soap opera, that is like General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, and All My Children combined. It is not the fact that A-Rod has been taking steroids since high school, that is not surprising. In fact, kids took steroids in my high school and I am a white catholic kid from Massachusetts. Not a Dominican kid who played high school ball in Miami with a Steroid dealing "cousin". He had much easier access. It's not the fact that he has been tipping pitches to other hitters all his life. I know for a fact that Dominicans tip pitches to other Dominicans at bat all the time. See Tejada, Miguel. He was caught while playing for the A's and caused an uproar in the clubhouse. And of course, NO SHIT HE TOOK STEROIDS PLAYING FOR THE YANKEES! Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi, and Sheffield were all in the same clubhouse. Taking Steroids in the Yankees clubhouse was as common as rubbing icy hot on your nuts and snorting like a bull, minutes before your starts...oh wait, that was just Clemens, but you get the point. It was second nature.

The A-Rod soap, got more interesting because like Robert Paulson above (if you haven't seen Fight Club, I'm sorry), Alex has bitch tits. His 2004 teammates were so kind that they actually gave him the nickname "Bitch Tits" because "he developed a large round pectoral condition, that is caused by anabolic steroids." If I were A-Rod, I would hire a hitman to take out Selena Roberts, steal the copies of her book, and hold the largest book burning since Hitler ruled Germany. Or don't and wait for this to become the best selling book of all time. His choice.

"Fuck land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucka."

It's Over People -TOMP

It really looks like KG has reached his brink at this point. Begging not to have to stay out and watch the game on the bench, he sincerlly felt the need to be away from his in hopes that his uh... passionate attitude would not effect the C's play on the floor.

Well, five games into the series, it has become clear that KG is still the most energetic being on the court. The man is literally screaming at every which minute is deemed possible.  Frankly, it has gotten scary how the most volatile man on the court is not playing a single minute in the game.

If KG's attitude is kept up on the road, good luck to the Bulls to even work off a good game 6. In my mind this series has been over from the get go, but Paul Pierce just turned on the switch which was delaying them overall.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Know Your Role...AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!- BG

Hey Bradley! This is what you get for setting 3 rolling picks and forcing Ray Allen's 6 foul on the same play and then laughing about it all the way down the floor. Payback is a bitch. Stop blaming the litte boo-boo on your lip for the reason you choked. You shot 80% for the year from the line and you choked. Rondo just wanted to wipe that shit eating grin off your face and it worked. Just be thankful it was Rondo taking you out and not KG after the game because if it was KG you wouldn't have to worry about your head hurting... because you probably wouldn't have one.

What the fuck is going on in Washington?- BG

I know a lot of you saw this yesterday and when I first saw it, I thought it was a joke. I thought that another plane hit a flock of fucking seagulls and went off track. But no, this was a designed fly over or NEW YORK CITY by the White House Military Douche Bag. I know this is mainly a sports website, but I had to address this. Now Barack "The Messiah" Obama says that he is just as furious as anyone. Listen Barry, I have seen enough 24 episodes to know that when something comes from the White House, they do anything they can to shelter the President from blame. All so he can save face with the American public. Apparently Barry, the media whore, needed some snazy, sexy new pics of Air Force One flying around in the sky. Next time you choose to take jerk off pics of your plane, try not to come within 500 feet of the Statue of Liberty with F16s trailing close behind. Or try not to fly over a city in which, eight years ago, two planes were hijacked, knocked down two of the most recognized buildings in the world, killed thousands of people, and started a war on three fronts.

"Fuck Land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucka!"

Some Trade -TOMP

FML

The Road To Round Two -TOMP

The last shot the C's have is going to have to start in Boston tomorrow night. Paul Pierce has looked like MJ playing for the Wizards, Perk/Baby/Scal combined together as 1 big man are about as effective as Erik Dampier and the only two ballers holding the green together are Ragin' Rondo & Old Man Allen.  No clue how this one is gonna shake out, but one thing's for sure, lose tomorrow night and go to Chicago to roll over and die.

It's not so much that I think the Celtics are screwed, its more like Billy Haywood near the end of Little Big League, when he realized that he became a self absorbed loser who his friends hated as did the entire Twins team he was managing. Once he pulled his head out of ass, he pulled the team together, won his friends back, hooked his mom up with the team's best player and had it all going for him.

Then Randy Johnson kicked some ass.

Its going to be a slippery slope, keep an eye out.

"If bad accents won oscars, then Kevin Costner would be a multi-time winner."

TOMP Beat of the Week: "Time of Your Song" -Matisyahu

ESPN.com Is The Most Confusing Thing Ever -TOMP

Ok, let me get this straight.  ESPN can't post any curse words, can't make themselves cool and are over produced to the most extreme possibility, but they can post web ads on their pages of slutty milfs pounding their humps in your face when you're trying to check the NHL scores? What the hell?

Now, it's not that I have a problem with this. It's the edgiest thing I've seen ESPN do since they let Max Kellerman go to FSN and die with iMax (Cute, right?).

Just note that this is the same station that fired Harold Reynolds for poppin' in NRB when he hugged a co-worker.  Please. Prove to me that he didn't have that thing rockin' before the contact happened. What's the man to do?  Anyway, I'm just hoping ESPN continues to get more smutty.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Can You Think Of Anything More Misleading?

"If he was a girl I'd blast him the face as punishment, and eat nothing but hot sauce for a week (before)."

-Anonymous

Well, It Was Fun -TOMP

"Yeah, Tony. I feel the same way about the 'Stons '08-'09 season."

After nearly a decade of dominance, the Pistons are officially dead in the water.

We got to witness a great growth of a team. It started with the big trade of Stackhouse that ended up bringing Rip Hamilton & Ben Wallace to Motown.  Then Chauncey Billups woke up and and realized he was fucking amazing.  Following that, we got Rick Carlisle's letter of resignation with the 'Stons (down 2-0 at the time to T-Mac & the Magic) when Tayshaun Prince exploded onto the scene, and drove the team to victory.  The cherry on top was the 2004 trade for one of the most dynamic players in the league, with Rasheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Waaaaaaaaaaallace.

A championship followed that year, and a hell of an effort in the seasons to follow.

Sadly, now, those times are all but gone.  Following a pummeling from the Cavaliers, the Pistons as we know them are now a distant memory. 'Sheeds aging and a free agent following the sweep.  Ben blew his load early and never developed an offensive game.  I think Chauncey got traded, but I'd have to check on that.  Rip & Tayshaun are still going to be around, but with the undersized, no real designated position players that are around them, I don't have much hope for the '09-'10 season.

Frankly, the season was dead in the water months ago, and there was really no hope left.  I guess the most optimistic POV is to hope that LBJ gets extorted and signs with the 'Stons for a low sum of money.

Of course, I'd settle for a league wide Nancy Kerrigan'ing, but I'm not too optimistic. 

Sucks seeing things like this unravel... but that's the game.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Evenflow" -Pearl Jam

Long Weekend -TOMP

So, what you're looking at here is the sole reason that I spent an entire weekend chauffeuring my mom around town as opposed to going the simpler root and using public transportation.  Earlier this week the MBTA released these lovely ads emphasizing that the creepy, smelly homeless guy standing next to you on the T, actually wants to cup a feel and in all likely hood, slip you a Silly Willy (Definition #2).  Frankly, it's disturbing, and has really turned me off to the idea of riding the T if I were ever to have some sort of epiphany, where I realized, that I'm truly a woman in a man's body, and decide to have the dong removal surgery.

In other news: I hate driving around downtown, want to kill numerous children, can't understand why people walk in the street, hate getting the finger for crossing the street when I have a green light, wanted to kill some kids, fucking hate the traffic in Harvard Square and can totally justify anyone who decides to flip out and go GTA on society.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

No Wonder The Bulls Have Tied The Series. Look Who Their Center Is. -TOMP

So, as it turns out, the Bulls have a lot of fight in them.  Go figure.  I haven't seen a team constructed of 80% hustle players get this much action since the Timberlane Regional Owls. Of course, this can all be explained rather easily. The Bulls clearly signed Tony Almeida to be the dominant X-Factor in their quest to make a splash in the 2009 NBA playoffs.  My only question, is when the entire Bulls organization turns against him, realizing he's backstabbing ass who's played more sides of the ball than Troy Brown in 2006.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Bruins-Frogs Preview! Drop Those Gloves!- BG

There were many Bruins fights and power moments this year, but that was hands down my favorite. For those of you who did not watch the Bruins or the first round playoff series last year, Milan Lucic and Mike Komisarek went from occasional rivals to wishing they could run a hockey stick through eachothers hearts, Steve Irwin style. I mean, it got nasty. The only issue was that they never fought because they were both too valuable to their teams in the playoffs to be off the ice for 5 minutes (possibly more). Well in their second meeting, first B's home game, Milan Lucic finally got his wish and beat the fuck out of that Canadian Fraud (Actually Komisarek is from NY and Lucic is from Vancouver, but THAT ISN'T MY POINT!! Milan plays for Boston now!). What that video didn't show is that Komisarek was out a month after that with a shoulder injury. The Bruins won that game 6-1 and never lost again this season to the Frogs. The regular season for these two culminated in a game that closely resembled the Battle of Antietam. It was by far the cheapest game with the most penalty minutes and from what I hear from my father, mostly resembled the old B's-Frogs games. I expect nothing less in this series. So to start off, I'm going to break it down for you, and tell you how the Bruins will finally get off the schneid.

Offense: The Bruins were second on the year in the entire NHL in 5 on 5 scoring. This stems from three legitimate scoring lines, led by the first line of Phil Kessel, Marc Savard, and the other day in practice it was crafty vet, P.J. Axelsson, on the left wing. The left wing has been a rotating position on this first line, Kobasew and Lucic have also spent time up there. Either way, when the Kessel/Savard line comes out, the Frogs will be retreating quicker than they did when Hitler invaded Paris. The other two lines have been shuffled around throughout the year, brilliantly by Claude Julien. Right now it looks like Bergeron (more on him in a moment) and the unsung hero David Krejci will be centering the lines, with Ryder, Wheeler, Lucic, Recchi, Kobasew, and "Sweet Revenge" Michael Ryder on the wings. The Canadiens do not have nearly the offensive depth that the Bruins do and simply because their best offensive player, Alexi Kovalev, looks like the Prince from Shrek, the Bruins get the nod. Edge: Bruins.

Defense: Let me start by saying Zdeno Chara deserves the Norris this year. You really cannot ask more or expect more from a Captain than Zdeno Chara. The only way to describe Zdeno, is to use this gem from Jack Bauer, "The only purpose for RP 7 rocket fuel, is to fire missiles!" Zdeno has been running on rocket fuel and firing missiles all season long. He leads the team in minutes and is second in shots on goal. These are not just shots, as Jack points out, these are 105 mph missiles. Chara has been playing with veteran Aaron Ward. Wideman, rookie Matt Hunwick, Shane "The Sheriff" Hnidy, and Mark Stuart round out the B's defensive core. On the other side the French Frauds might be playing without their best defenseman Andrei Markov. Markov is also their second leading scorer. Mike Komisarek will have to do more than pick on the smallest players on the ice to stop the Bruins attack. It will not be enough Major Edge: Bruins

Goaltenders: Tim Thomas leads the league with a 2.1 GAA and Carey Price is 31st in the league with a 2.83 GAA. There really is not a need to compare the two. Tim Thomas is just that much better. This is like comparing who is a bigger whore, Britney Spears or Mother Theresa. Enough said. Major Edge: Bruins

Special Teams: Here is where the Frogs can have their day and I will tell you why. The Bruins are far and away the better power play team (23.6% vs 19.2) and their penalty killing is equal at 82.4%. The reason the Frogs can have their day is because they are a team full of antagonist pussies. They slash, cheap shot, rabbit punch, and then when it comes time to face the music they hit the ice quicker than a fat kid at an all-you-can-eat buffet. They lead the league in diving penalties. If they announce your name for a diving penalty, they might as well say "#27, 2 minutes, for lack of balls." Anyway, this Canadian team can get under the Bruins skin because the Bruins are tougher and more physical and they have balls. If you don't believe me watch LaPierre, Latendresse, or either of the KGB Kostitsyn brothers during this series. It is a pathetic sight. Edge: Push

X-Factors: For the Bruins its Patrice Bergeron and Mark Recchi. Bergeron's game is rounding in to form and has finally started to show signs of pre-"I almost broke my neck and died" Bergey. The game winner last Thursday against Montreal, where he flattened the Hab defenseman, stole the puck, and then fed fellow X-Factor Mark Recchi for the winner, was all the proof you need. Mark Recchi is an X-Factor because he has been here before and has been crucial leading up to the playoffs after being acquired at the trade deadline. When the Bruins were struggling towards the middle of the year, Recchi's arrival applied some stabilization to this team. They are going to need that leadership if this thing starts to go goes south. For the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, the X-Factors are Matheiu Schneider and their Vaginas. These two go hand in hand because Matthieu Schneider has really given the Frogs a huge boost on the power play, since being acquired in February. If their Vaginas start hurting during this series and the Bruins get caught up in a cheap shot, penalty-fest, the Habs can pick up a few power play tallies and change the game in a hurry. Just like last Thursday's game. I am not as worried because the B's are a fairly disciplined team and if you don't think Claude Julien has promised that the wrath of God will come down on them if they take stupid penalties, you are kidding yourself. Edge: Slight edge B's, but slight.

I would really like the B's to take this one in five, at home in the garden, but something tells me that is not going to happen. Maybe it is because I am a natural pessimist, but I am going with B's in six. This way they will close it out in Montreal and put away the ghosts of playoffs past.

"Fuck land, I'm on a Boat Motha Fucker"

When I Turn Around, Will You Please Pull The Knife Out Of My Back? -TOMP

Fuck Yes,You Betrayed me

Be prepared. What you're looking at are two, soon-to-be NBA players.  Why two and not three, you ask?  We'd have to go with option A.  Where only one of these three gentlemen is ready to make the jump to the Baller association.  J.Flynn has got sick handle, a wicked cross-over and mean dribble/drive, but he's a little under six feet tall and he's the potential lottery lock!  To examine the mistake that Eric 'The Pride of the Tri-City Area" Devendorf & "Do It All" Paul Harris are making, we have to take a look at where they're coming from.

Devendorf:  Boatload of tats, a semi woman-beater, a whole lot of class and a personality that would make Malibu's Most Wanted proud. Yup, a true winner.  Plays defense on level with the effort that Allen Iverson brings to the table, sans the three steals a game.  Has had about the same effect on the NCAA game (especially the defensive side) as Rashard McCants. Pretty sure he was best known for dating a socialite (super slam spoiled bitch) who may or may not have had some work done (ask any male member of the Syracuse 2008 graduating class for an update). Oh, wait he's a dad. How's that one working out?

Harris: This guy had more potential than... well... uh.... any other overhyped baller who couldn't shoot a jump shot or come through in the clutch (see BG and X number of lay-ups missed in multi-OT game vs. UConn).  It has really been a shame to see him come up so flat for this length.  Its really wild how players like Harris boast so much potential and skill, when really that definition turns out to be a guy that no one can coach, because he believes he can take over a game on his own since everyone has been telling him his entire life that's what he was raised to do.  It commits an unfair amount of potential to a guy, and its sad to see when thats still being exploited (can you tell which one I'm talking about?) in hopes of unlimited potential down the line. Oh, wait. He knocked a girl up too. Ugh....  Oh, Hey; Did I say 'potential?'

In the end, this is truly just discouraging to see.  Harris & Devendorf could really improve their overall games by staying for that last year.  The turmoil of potential injury is an overwhelming factor in this decision for both of them I'm sure. Especially with E.D. who really hasn't been as much of a slasher this year from the torn ACL.

Bottom Line: This blows, but good luck to all three.

In other sporting news Tiger Woods & Phil "Vertical Stripes" Mickelson put on one of the most impressingly useless shoot outs in golf history. The two were going at each others throats and couldn't even manage to place higher than fifth.  They were both dead set on going balls to the wall on one of the most astonishing days during the PGA tour season, but both fell incredibly short with bogeys during the last two holes. 

I'm not going to say the sudden death playoff was not an interesting effect, but grandpa Hagan was out like a light during a black out.  I suppose it was a good thing to see Cabrera  take his second major (and overall tourney win) as his easy going approach to the game.  Kind of gives perspective on how we should feel when we're hitting the links and how F-ing sweet he is when has it turned on like a bachelor in the middle of a Vegas pentouse on the house.

We're looking at a do or die right now for the sluggish Pistons.  Talk about a team that could care less.  I'm getting sick of them. They play Chicago tonight, and need the win to slip back the 7 slot, so they can face the ever depleted, small big manned Celtics.  Let me tell you, when Big Baby has to start taking over in the paint, you are in some serious trouble.  It may even be the equivalent of Allen Iverson bitching harder than eight bitches in a bitch boat so that he can sit out the rest of the season, declare that he'd love to be a STARTER for another NBA time and pick up the yoga skills so he can slob on his knob like corn on the cob.

BREAKING NEWS: MVP DRAFTED

In case you missed it, the WWE draft was held tonight.  The #1 overall pick? You guessed it. MVP is on the move. That's right, Montel Vontavious Porter is getting his ass out of that bullcrap, Smackdown, and moving on to the glory lights of RAW!!!  For those not educated in the art of WWE, this is the equivalent of Kurt Warner realizing that God was the answer and making his move to the Rams, replacing Trent Green who mysteriously suffered a season ending injury.  Be prepared for a summer full of training in the event that MVP makes a run for the Royal Rumble, and better yet, the 'Mania, XXVI.  Of course, he could always just end up as the Intercontinental Champion.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Interstate Love Song" -Stone Temple Pilots

That's a Ten Point Buck-BG

Well Opening Day has come and gone for all teams in the MLB and overall I am thrilled baseball is back. If I could only figure out which DH to hang on to, Ortiz or Thome, in my fantasy league, I will be all set. Why did I draft two power hitters who cannot start at the same time in my fantasy lineup you ask? Because on draft night I got slightly inebriated and forgot about the draft. By the time I realized this it was the 11th round and I had three DHs. I don't want to talk anymore about it. 

Before I go on I just want to address one thing. It seems like once a week there are stories about these Somali "pirates", taking over ships and holding them ransom, blah blah blah. I don't want to get into how this keeps happening, I just want to address one thing. This, is not a fucking pirate. THIS is a fucking pirate. Real pirates roll up and commandeer ships with this, not a piece of shit like this. So until these Somalians start rolling up with massive sails, iron cannons, and swords, can we please stop using the term pirate? Call them "sea terrorists" or "skinnys" or how about just "Somalis"? When was the last time that someone referred to "Somalis" and it meant something good? Simply "Somalis" seems like a perfect name to me, so for fucks sake, stop calling them pirates. Settled. Moving on.

Opening Day. It really could not have gone any better for the sox, except for the Okajima hiccup in the 8th inning. Josh Beckett looked vintage Beckett and if you read my previous "My Sex is on Fire" Red Sox preview, I highlighted the importance of an opening day gem for Beckett. He got one. Pedroia, picked up where he left of, by getting on one knee, and golfing a homer into the monster seats. It was great to see Mike Lowell get an RBI double yesterday. Besides Beckett, the guy who who needed something good to happen the most, was Mike Lowell. Guarantee that when Leigh Teixeira comes to town with her husband Mark, Mikey snaps a photo of himself, banging Leigh, then puts it up in Leigh's husband Mark's locker with the caption, "Don't ever threaten my job again, this is how you control your wife". Only the first win for the sox, but a good one. Don't cry everyone, I did not forget about Tek's homer, but I need more from him. Sheilds missed his spot by 3 and half feet inside, right in Tek's wheel house and that ball is foul in 99% of ballparks. Time will tell. (Real Time update: Youk just made a stupid error and its 1-0 Rays, 1st and 2nd, nobody out in the 3rd, with Eva up. FML)

I finally figured out A-Rod. Sort of. You know the part in Zoolander when Derek just found out that Hanzel won Male Model of the Year, then quits male modeling and goes around searching for who he really is? You know what I am talking about. When, he is completely lost and not even his own family wants anything to do with him? "It's mer-man, it's a mer-man!" That is where A-Rod is right now. He's lost staring into his own reflection. That was deep.

While A-Rod started rehab in Tampa, the Yankees really got their money's worth in Baltimore. It is only one game and they are still going to be a great team this year, but I found a couple things amusing. C.C. "Fat-Ass-Thia" was downright awful. Welcome back to the American League, C.C.!! C.C. not only physically looked like shit (a given), but pitched like it too. Remember Double Dare on Nickelodeon, when they put on those really big pants on, with a hoola hoop for a waist band, that were only held up with red suspenders and the object was to throw as many pies into them as you could? I think C.C. wears those. Leigh's husband Mark was booed every single time he did anything. They even chanted "Teixeira Sux" in BALTIMORE. They might have to hire the national guard in Boston. A Rod is going to have some company when he comes back because Mr. Leigh Teixeira choked in every RBI situation he had and then celebrated like it was a World Series game when The Ugly Asian hit a home run to bring them within 2. Think he's feeling the pressure already? 

Congrats to the B's for locking up the #1 overall seed in their Quest for the Cup. The Bruins are playing their best hockey right now at the right time. They are getting healthy and the acquisition of Mark Recchi has not gone un-noticed. I will have a Bruins playoff outlook on the site next week. Lester sucked tonight, left behind 5-1. Not looking good for tonight, there goes my dreams of 162-0. Damn.

"Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver."

I Think The Onion Summed It Up Best

Anyone who really thought MSU had a shot in this game was clearly living in a fantasy world.  Yeah, they killed two Big (B)East teams to make it to the final, but I feel like I've seen this match up before...

Realist: Oh, that's right. December 3rd.  MSU played UNC.  

Ignorant MSU Fan: Man, I forget who won that game... 

Realist: Ha, right, it was UNC. 

Ignorant MSU Fan: But it was close right?  

Realist: Nope, they lost by 35.

Ignorant MSU Fan: Well, they played at Chapel Hill, Carolina blue had all the advantages.

Realist: Um, no, they played in Michigan, the great lakes state.

Ignorant MSU Fan: Well, damn. MSU loses on their home floor, maybe they'll have better luck at Ford Field.

Realist: Newsflash, the game was at Ford Field.

Bottom Line: Sparty blows balls (literally & figuratively, as seen in history book).

Sorry, Sparty. When your X-Factor in a loss is Goran Suton, you're not going to have too much to brag about.  It was a shame to see them go down like the Titanic.  Ty Lawson is one quick Mo-fo.

Lets Get It On -TOMP

Welcome to the greatest weekend in sports.  As all are well aware, the Final Four finishes this weekend, the Cavs get dominated not once but three times and Allen Iverson is out for the season!  These events only occur once in a blue moon, but all are overshadowed by the ever epic annual spectacular that seperates the men from the boys,  puts the 'dic' in ridiculous and reveals the ultimate champion.

Of course, I'm talking about the one and only Wrestlemania.

For most fans, the focus will be on the championship match-up between Triple ('Roid Rage) HHH and the the human ding-bat, Randy Orton. I wouldn't expect too much out of this one.  The movie, The Birdcage has more masculine qualities than the RKO.  Randy will most likely end up scissor kicking himself out of the ring, only to knock his ahead into some metallic and get pinned down like a 3 dollar whore.  It bewilders me how performers can think they're such hot shit for winning the Intercontinental Championship.

Who would be proud of winning something that reminds most people of a hotel.  What's that supposed to translate to, anyway?  You win a championship for a night or two?  Maybe you have an extended trip and stay for a week.  Either way you end up getting ass raped with the final bill and always think you should have gotten more for the price.  All this translates to a HHH domination over another whiny Ken Shamrock type.  Bet your sister's piggy bank on it.

Now this may be for the championship, it is by no means, the headliner of the 'mania.  That my friends, belongs solely to the throw back brawl that will determine who truly is the most bad ass man in the room. We're talking in the first corner,  the Undertaker, The American Bad Ass, The Demon from Death Valley who is 16-0 (G'Damn!) in the biggest glamfest in WWE/F history.  In the other corner, Shawn 'Sweet Chin Music' Michaels, The Heart Break Kid, The Showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania ready to end the Undertaker's pansy ass streak and return to the ultimate glory of the WWE.

This is really a no brainer pick. Shawn Michaels is going humiliate The Undertaker.  We're talking about a legend of wrestling and former member DX member (great crew).  He's already called out the 'Taker and has his number.  Lets be honest, the lord of death is 45 years old. There's no way he can continue this absurd streak. In fact this could be a retirement match.  I hate to admit it, but we may never get another glance of The American Bad Ass if Michaels piles on the Sweet Chin Music like a sawgrass strummin' banjo.  This wouldn't be a first for The Heart Break kid as he's dominated bastards in the past.  In case you don't remember, here's the epic 2nd half battle between The Main Event & America's hard-on, Ric Flair (Look at this mook, I'm glad he got put into submission) from last years, Wrestlemania XXIV.

So, get your popcorn ready and put on your championship belt. Its game time, baby.

"You're Fucking Out. I'm Fucking In."

Boston Rock Radio Song of the Week: "Song 2" -Blur

My Sex is on Fire- BG

I just want to give everyone a heads up. If you are sensitive to certain subjects, in other words, if you are a sweet smelling pansy, than please change sites and go back to reading the vagina monologues. I don't know what is with me, but I have a feeling that this post might get a little out of hand. I'm in one of those moods. Maybe it's the ski trip/drinking binge that I went on last weekend that I am just now recovering from. Let me point out that 4 out of 15 people actually skied. The other 11 people woke up at 10am and drank until 4:30am. Fuck me. Mix in 732 jibbas, 57 five hour energies, songs about Vaginas, boats, and jizzing your pants, and it makes for one hell of a weekend. My Monday was so fucked that I spent most of the day reading wikipedia pages of serial killers, word for word. I have a couple comments on that. Jeffrey Dahmer is probably the most fucked up person that I have ever heard about, hands down. How this guy wasn't executed the second the police found severed heads, hands, penises, and bodies in vats of acid, is beyond me. I also read Charles Manson which I actually found to be strangely compelling. Not that I condone anything he did, but he actually did not kill as much as I thought. I mean he had a vision. It was fucked, but a vision. Jeffrey Dahmer makes him look like fucking Cindy Loo Who on Christmas Eve. These guys should both suffer the same fate as their victims, but check them out if your hungover one day. You might not listen to the Beatles the same again. Haha April Fools, Mom!! I swear, I didn't do any of the things that I mentioned above...

Moving on to something that normal people think about: Sports! Kind of mixed bag in the coming week. We have the C's limping to the finish and an Orangeless Final Four. On the other hand we have the B's hitting there stride again and ...Opening Day for the Sox! Here comes my Red Sox 2009 preview. Get some cold water, take off those sweatpants, and put some jeans on, cause you might get a little excited. Let's start with the lineup. The biggest question for me is whether David Ortiz will get back to being Big Papi and stop being Big Pussy. Everything that I have read states that he is healthy again. No clicking wrist, no spaghetti knee, and he has apparently got his "Cojones". My hope is that Big Papi, determined to prove to everyone that he can produce without Manny, goes for 35 and 130. If this happens, there is a very good chance that we will be hearing Mayor Menino mispronounce words again at the parade route announcement. I predict a big year from Jason Bay. Yes I am gay for Bay, big fan, don't judge me. (no homo) I also predict Mike Lowell will have a huge comeback year because he is playing with a "Paris-sized" chip on his shoulder. Mike Lowell will go, .290 with 22 bombs and get this.....110 RBIs. You heard it here. He is my favorite player on this team and Mikey was none too happy about all the Leigh Teixiera and Mark Teixiera signing talks. If you are an above average, World Series MVP, blue collar player, would you be happy being replaced by a guy who is $60 million overpaid, who lets his wife make his decisions for him? Leigh and Mark also haven't won shit in their lives. Mike Lowell, two rings. The good thing for Leigh and Mark is that Mark isn't the biggest fairy boy of the team, but he might be the most hated. The reason I say this, is because A-Roid has officially gone off the deep end. There aren't words to describe how messed up this guy is and although I hate him, it's so easy to hate him, he is starting to take the fun out of it. Maybe this is part of his master plan, I don't know.

Time for some Rotation talk. The biggest key for this season is getting Beckett off to a good start. Last year he came in a little overweight and then he had to go to Japan. Not only is everyone in Japan 5' 3", but all they eat is raw octopus and rice. They are skinny as fuck. It probably just magnified the issue in his mind. When you are a big "I live in Texas and slaughter my own cows" kind of guy, you are used to some fat ass people. I can't blame him. Add in the whole time zone thing and this is one mentally fucked up ace. I know it's the first start, but Opening Day will tell us a lot and let's hope we got the Texas Josh back. NEWS FLASH FOR EVERYONE!! Jon Lester has developed a changeup! My favorite pitch in baseball is a good changeup, ala Johan Santana, Pedro Martinez, Cole Hamels, just to name a few. A lefty who throws mid-90s, has location, a mean cutter, a smooth hammer, and now a devastating changeup!?!? I need a cold shower or a towel. Dice-K will be the same as last year. He will average 5 innings, 110 pitches, 6 walks, 7-8 Ks, and somehow win 15 games. I don't get it. I cannot stand watching him pitch and I will scalp my tickets if I know he is pitching. He has overtaken Steve Trachsel as the new "Human Rain Delay". This is me during every Dice-K start. But I will take the 15 W's. The wild card in this rotation is Brad Penny. When Brad Penny was at his best, he was flat out un-hittable. He just throws straight gas. High 90s and says "Hit this motherfucker!". This, however, will be a different Brad Penny. He might have to re-invent himself, like Schilling did. He is still going to have that low to mid 90s fastball, a table dropping slider, and a curve that resembles Beckett's. Let us not forget, that Penny was on the 2003 Marlins Championship team and was 2-0 with a 2.00 ERA against the Yanks. Will the real Brad Penny please stand up!

The Pirate Ship in the bullpen. The ship has lost its captain, Mike Timlin, and by all accounts will either be without one designated captain or the reigns could be handled to Jonathon Papelbon. That's about as good an idea as taking a floozy home and drunk driving along the Chappaquiddick bridge, right Ted? I love Paps, I mean the guy is a stud, when "Shipping up to Boston" comes on, I go crazy. However, after seeing Eastbound and Down, I cannot get the Papelbon-Kenny Powers comparisons out of my head. That scares me just a bit if Kenny Powers is the closer of my team. I know Kenny Powers is more Jon Rocker, but Paps is next. I am just saying, do not be surprised that come free agent time he demands 8 years $1 billion and starts ripping on Boston when they say "fuck you". If that happens, hello Daniel Bard, bye-bye Paps. Look for Okajima to have a bounce back season and Ramon Ramirez will overtake Delcarmen, who will be traded this year. Sorry, Manny. You grew up in Boston so you should know the expectations, live up to them. Justin Masterson will be in the rotation next year, I am praying to god, but his sinker is nearly untouchable, and should set up nicely in the 7th and 8th. I think that the bullpen is the strongest part of this team and much better than the Yankees, especially because Hank has put Joba the Hut in the starting rotation. If Joba was in the bullpen, it would be lights out if the Yanks had a lead after 7. I just don't get it, I never will, but I also do not care.

That is it for my preview. I don't do predictions because I am superstitious and I don't do previews for other teams, because I don't care about other teams. If you have not seen the six episodes of Eastbound and Down, I highly recommend it. I'm out for now, time to do something called work. I am still pissed that I missed the best C's game of the year when I could have gone for 12 bucks. FUCK! Last night just reminds me why Ray Allen is my favorite player. Till next time.

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."